The Simple Life 2: Road Trip
OK, I have been jonesing for Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie since last winter, so I am thrilled the tabloid twins are back. And even though we all heard about Paris's horseback mishap back when they were filming the new season, it was still a shock to see her thrown around like that. Without it being online, that is. What I didn't expect was for Nicole to be so much funnier than her size-0 sidekick. Her reaction to the pink pick-up was bleep-ably priceless, as was the tollbooth begging routine. Which is sort of ironic, seeing how Lionel's little girl has probably never had to ask for money. Except for bail. But Paris, honey, could you keep your eyes on the road? I understand that the rearview mirror can be intoxicating, but Louis Vuitton doesn't do airbags, OK?

60 Minutes II
I just got chills watching Tony Hawk pull off his first-ever 900-degree midair spin at the '99 X-Treme Games. So either I'm sportier than I realized or I'm having a bad reaction to Charlie Rose trying to be sporty. Either way, Tony, you are the man. Despite that totally '80s hair back in high school. Hey, we all had it, right? Right?

Biography
You know, a decade after the Crime of the Century, you'd think A&E could cook up something classier than this E!-riffic look at the O.J. trial's key players. And while I find it fitting — and encouraging — that Paula Barbieri went on marry a judge, the "whatever happened to" profiles of Marcia Clark, Kato and the rest of the Dream Team are just tacky. Whatever happened to bringing Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman's killer to justice, huh? There's no way the case has run out of Juice already.

Quintuplets
Oh, Andy Richter. You deserve so much more than this. When a single episode includes the term "boobs," sibling-incest jokes and laundry-as-sex double-entendres, you have to accept that things aren't right. Really, it breaks my heart that a guy who was so good on Saves the Universe now seems intent on killing his career. Give Conan a call right now, buddy. You know he'll take you back.

Last Comic Standing
What's with Bonnie McFarlane making it to the house in Hollywood? She doesn't need the work! The woman's on Drew Carey next week. Then again, given how Drew and Brett Butler reacted to the final outcome tonight, it looks like they all may be looking for jobs soon. And I don't care if he's funny. That Jay London needs a cream rinse. And a clue. Seriously dude, the vest-and-T-shirt look went out with Rosie O'Donnell's Star Search shoulder pads and broaches.

The Simple Life 2: Road Trip
Admitting my addiction to these rich girls should be the first step to recovery, right? Then I really am powerless, because there's no resisting another dose of these dimwits on parade. This is not good. Now, sending the girls to a trailer park... that's good. Some may also say the gratuitous water-park shower scene was even better, but they've likely gone stone-cold mute after Nicole's Coyote Ugly whipping antics. Pervs. I love it!

Method & Red
Aww, yeah. Now we're pimpin', dawg. I've been waiting for this rap-com just to see how Fox would handle a pair of hopped-up hip-hoppers bringin' it to the vanilla Jersey 'burbs. Especially for a network where diversity means Bernie Mac and Apu. You know what? It ain't the worst thing on TV. Maybe a little old-school silly. I mean, Beth Littleford does uptight white better than anyone, but her character not knowing what a "crib" was seemed a bit whack. She's a realtor for God's sake! Though I did love her take on one of their songs. "It's an X-rated nursery rhyme that objectifies women!" Just wait until she sees them in Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty" video. Word.

Ultimate Love Test
This is more like the ultimate test of my patience. It's all blah blah blah and no wompa wompa wompa. What's worse is that I've been watching for three weeks and still can't tell who's who. It's like the casting team scouted out the sexiest couples at a bingo tournament. The only one with vital signs is Brooke the interloper and now, all signs point to her being a slutty hypocrite. This one goes to Cabo hoping to bag Brandon, then rips him a new one for kissing her behind Kenesha's back? That's rich. And like most rich confections, it's putting me to sleep.