The Shield
Tretiak's beaten-up girlfriend, arrested along with him, thinks about her fate... and immediately tries to claw his eyes out before interpreting for the cops to help seal his fate. Guess he should've been a little more caring. And I guess Vic and the boys should have just faked wiring him with C4 so he wouldn't fall over and blow himself to bits. As I used to say when I was a little kid: Oopie.

Hey, isn't that Darrow Igus playing father to Antwon's half-brother Jason? Any Fridays fans remember him as the spliff-loving Rasta chef? Yah-yah-yah-yah! But whoa... Dutch is slugging it out with Billings, then going after Vic. Guess having "bitch" painted on your windshield and having your chair collapse under you start to have an effect after a while. Not that I'd know from firsthand experience or anything. I'm much loved around the office and all my mishaps are purely accidental. I think.

And wow, did Acevedo screw Monica and Vic by cutting a deal with Antwon or what? Not as bad as he's gonna get screwed in return, I'm betting. And not as much as it hurt to have Vic tell him he's not a cop... and never was. — Michael Peck

Fire Me... Please
Ever wondered what it would be like to go into your job and completely lose control and act out your worst inner fantasies? Then this Punk'd-esque show is perfect for you. While no one goes postal (you lose the challenge if you break the law), the outrageous things people will do for money is just mind-boggling. From Katie, who smelled all the store's merchandise and then climbed on top of the clothing rack and tried to take a nap, to Cherise, who took her shoes off and galloped around the hat store and asked to borrow her coworkers' deodorant, you never know what odd thing these people will do next. I did get a kick out of Kurt, who thought the cappuccino machine was the devil, but I kind of felt wrong for laughing at any of their antics, especially when the bad staffers neared their 3 o'clock deadline to get canned and amped up the crazy. I couldn't help but empathize with the poor staff who had to work with them, even if they did get a kick out of the jokes afterward. But I do have one question for the store owners who agreed to participate: Did you agree to do this so that you could watch what your employees do all day on hidden camera? Because I have to say that in most of these cases, there was a lot of standing around and gossiping and not all that many customers to merit the staffing. Oh, no; I hope that comment doesn't get anyone fired. Or is that the real point? — Angel Cohn

Bad Girl's Guide
Mercy. I give. Olly olly oxen free. Please, stop the madness. I feel sexually harassed, or maybe just harassed by this show's awful writing. J.J. got her groove back and that meant that I had to watch Jenny McCarthy dance around in her underwear and rub her stomach for five minutes. Eww. And couldn't Slater from Saved by the Bell do better than taking his clothes off on this ridiculously unfunny show that has the nerve to bill itself as a sitcom? I was wrong when I said after the premiere episode that the problem was that these girls weren't bad enough. This whole show is bad enough, and tasteless, and crude, but that still doesn't make it enjoyable in the slightest. Someone needs to do a revision on this guide and fast, or at least recall it to protect the innocent. — AC

Blow Out
Even though his own coif both concerns and taunts me, I loves me my Jonathan Antin. And ever since he abused his underlings through the opening of his Quiznos-adjacent Beverly Hills salon last summer, I've been missing the strangely accented stylist to the semi-stars somethin' awful. So yippee that our Julius Scissor is back in action to launch a hair-care line while terrorizing the best-tressed staff this side of Fox's publicity department in between pseudo-weepy therapy sessions and even more-frequent freaky-deaky oglings of L.A.'s ladies. Personally perverted favorite? "What a honey... mmmm, it hurts." Keep it in yer pants, bud, OK? This is Bravo, not Cinemax. Fittingly, the opener was perkier than a smart bob, with a few new (read: doomed) faces on the payroll and the scandalous double-booking of Arrested Development's Alia Shawkat and Veronica Mars' yummy Kristin Bell on the day of Golden Globes. We also got a visit to the cosmetics lab, where Antin's ego proved as fierce as his jawline; receptionist-cum-stylist Kim is still not cutting it on the floor of the 90210 shop and a big ol' reminder that Jon Boy's overpriced products would make the PERFECT gift for a certain Watercooler columnist celebrating his second annual 34th birthday today. After all, the only appointment I can score with this dude will be my weekly return visits to the show, and from the looks of the drama he's already kicking up with this new project, I'm gonna need something to stop my hair from standing on end, ya hear? — Damian J. Holbrook

Queer Eye
I'm torn. Yes, the "Straight Guy" formula wore out its welcome. I mean, I live with a man who still thinks Brylcreem is the best hair product for his money and who looks hurt when I tell him no, he can't wear the same pants to work five days in a row. And for the first season the two of us really bonded while watching the Fab Five teach those hetero slobs what their long-suffering wives and girlfriends gave up on long ago. (Insert bad Carson joke here...) Then, well, we got the point and forgot to tune in for a season. So I guess it's a good thing that they dropped the "Straight Guy" from the show's title and are turning to gimmicky episodes like tonight's "make better" of the Boston Red Sox.

Caveman Johnny Damon and his equally scruffy teammates Kevin Millar, Doug Mirabelli, Tim Wakefield and Jason Varitek could all really use a makeover. But the focus is on a charity game to raise money for the Port Charlotte Little League, whose baseball field was destroyed by the hurricanes last year. Oh, and on Dunkin' Donuts. Instead of those exciting/humiliating shopping and salon trips the Queer Eyes usually take, they simply set up a spa in the Sox' Fort Myers, Fla., spring-training facility and make their victims wax their backs and deep-condition their hair. Of course, that doesn't mean Carson makes any fewer one-liners. My favorite: When Wakefield shows off his right hand, which he keeps well manicured for his pitching, Carson shoots back: "In my line of work, they get mad when I hold the ball with my fingernails." Kyan, Jai, Thom and Ted hardly get a word in, except for some cringeworthy promotional statements about Dunkin' Donuts and BJ's Wholesale. Rather, we hear a lot from Millar — in a bathrobe, feet in a bowl of rose petals, hair wrapped in pink Saran wrap and orange cream all over his face — about how much he likes being gay now. When they're trying on fancy new outfits, I can't help but notice that many of the pants, shirts and blazers are pinstriped. Could Saks Fifth Avenue be sneaking in a little Yankee propaganda? No one else mentions it, though.

Though the parts with the Little League are boring in a heartwarming-with-a-healthy-dash-of-product-placement kind of way, it does remind me of the Fab Five's role as gay ambassadors to the straight world. I remember how homophobic kids can be, and if the same is true of these boys, it's great that they get to spend some time with some funny, successful and generous gay men to open their minds a little bit. Before the ballgame, the five Red Sox show off their cleaned-up looks, and actually, Millar and Varitek really benefited from their spa day. Damon, who brought in his own hair stylist for the event, is sadly unchanged. After a silly game in which the kids, the gays and the pros match up for teams so evenly matched they tie, the kids receive a check for $100,000. And everyone lives happily ever after, even though I'm sure the ballplayers won't break that nasty habit of all sharing the same bar of soap in the locker room. — Sabrina Rojas Weiss

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