T.H.E.M.
As a rule, I avoid magicians. Honestly, David Blaine is the devil to me. And this, from someone who's been saddled with the name Damian for 35 years! There's just something about people making things float and disappear that just reeks of evildoing. That said, the only thing unholy here is the title. Totally Hidden Extreme Magic. That's just too much. The magic bits themselves were awesome, especially the guy who literally coughed his head off in front of the cast of Passions. Who you'd think would be down with crazy stuff like that by now, right? What I'm down with is how the pranksters were all mercifully Copperfield-mullet and jazz-hand free. They'd just roll into a cafe, levitate a cup and hit it, leaving freaked-out spectators to wonder how they did it and what the hell "I'm one of T.H.E.M." meant. Not to mention why NBC shot this down as a series in favor of, say... most everything else. Except for Next Action Star. That's tight, ya'll.

Beverly Hills, 90210: The Reunion
Yes, this is a repeat from last year, but I just need to say that there will never be a better show. Ever. My roommate would agree, but Shannen Doherty's googley Picasso eyes have her hiding under the couch right now.

Crank Yankers
OK, I just watched a muppet make a prank call to a sex shop. Which is hilarious. And God knows, I'm no prude. But could we save the sex-toy jokes until after the 8 pm family hour? My friends have kids and they're not ready to field those questions yet.

The Simple Life 2
I would say that this one has jumped the shark, but these two are so damn lazy, even that would be too much work. They lasted what, 11 minutes, as chambermaids at a nudist colony before commandeering one of the rooms and charging up some room service? And then called housekeeping to do the job they were sent to do! That's not right. Far better was Nicole's riotously raunchy poem at the body-acceptance class, where she obviously learned more than just words that rhymed with "willie." Her new Maxim spread is quite nasty, in a That's-Miss-Richie kind of way. Get on with your airbrushed self, girl!

Larry King Live
Not usually something I would run to, since Larry wigs me out, leering at his guests like the guy in a white windowless van by the playground. But I went to my happy place so I could catch his chat with Ron Reagan Jr. So imagine how intrigued I was when it was delayed for a last-minute bit with Justin Falconer on his ouster from the Scott Peterson trial. Too bad he didn't have more to say about serving on the biggest case this side of Martha than "It's not something I set out to do." Really? Then again, we are talking about someone who defended calling pregnant women "crazy" by saying he actually meant "emotional." Dude, backtrack all you want. I bet you're going to learn the difference between the two very soon. Once Ron showed up, the wait was so worth it. Eloquent and open about his late father, the guy not only reminded me how lucky I am to have the dad I've got, but he was also ballsy enough to bash Bush for "lying our way into the war." I don't know what his pop would say, but Junior, you just proved to be quite the Great Communicator yourself.

Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica
Who's this Casey girl crashing with the Lacheys? I don't like her. And Jess better talk to Nick about strutting around in a towel. I've seen enough soaps to know that sooner or later, the "needy" friend always ends up helping herself to the hunk of the house. And given that blondie can't even figure out what a double in baseball is, ain't no way she'll catch on to any kootchie-kootchie-ya-ya-ya going on behind her back, you know? Though she was pretty with-it while enduring the Britney concert. You're right, hon. It did suck.

The Ashlee Simpson Show
Wait. This girl gets her own show because she's Jessica's little sister? So, do I deserve a job at Old Navy since I'm Jim's little brother? Please, he's better known in more circles than this up-talking wannabe. And he would never force us to watch him get his ear cartilage pierced or buy a Christmas tree. Which, by the way, is not compelling TV in June. Zzzzz...