Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
This TV special pops up every Christmas, and I never miss a chance to visit the Island of Misfit Toys! Everybody roots for Rudolph, of course, but I relate most to Hermey the dentist elf. Hermey has fabulous hair and he's prettier and smarter than most of the other boy elves at school. So he doesn't fit in, 'cause he's different. Come out, come out, wherever you are, Hermey...

I Want a Dog, Charlie Brown
I knew Lucy had a little brother called Linus, but who's Rerun? Never heard of him. Anyway, I like the kid. But I'm concerned about him and all these other prematurely balding children. Is there a nuclear power plant in Charlie Brown's neighborhood or what?

Whoopi
Hey! Courtney's "black acting" Caucasian girlfriend lost those braids in her hair. Now, she has a glamorous Gwyneth 'do. I approve. However, that's about all I like this week on Whoopi. I'm feeling preached at during Mavis Rae's commentary about America's problem with overeating. This leads me to fix myself a BBQ chicken sandwich, some corn on the cob and potato salad. Then, I reach for my remote control.

One Tree Hill
Another week, another Chad Michael Murray nude scene. Nothing to complain about here, kids. It's a repeat, but it's a good repeat. Oh drat, Chad's getting dressed. And again, the clicker beckons...

The Simple Life
Paris Hilton gets enough attention. Let's talk about the tragedy that is Nicole Richie. The sloppy sidekick looks like roadkill next to Paris. Plus, what's her stint in rehab, compared with Paris's infamous sex tape? Even her sordid past is unexciting when compared to Ms. Hilton's. And Nicole's poor self-esteem is showing. When the heiresses get jobs in a fast food joint, Nicole feels "so ugly" in her hairnet, she "wants to cry." She's clearly hungry for validation. Her solution? Hang out by the drive-through and flirt madly with lecherous, middle-aged customers. Leaning into the driver's side windows of their pickup trucks, she leers and says things like, "You're hot." Um, Nicole, you're supposed to be a working girl, but not that kind of working girl. Okay, honey?

Pizza Hut commercial
What is Queen Latifah doing lending her voice to Pizza Hut ads? Slumming for cash, that's what. This is worse than her Chicago co-star Catherine Zeta-Jones appearing in those endless T-Mobile ads. Now, I didn't mind seeing the Queen glam it up as a Cover Girl cosmetics pitchwoman. It's fine using your fame to score a little moolah on the side — that's the American way. But she could at least stay a high-class celebrity ho, ya know? Selling cheap takeout pizza just brings her stock down. And Latifah's my girl, so I don't mean to do her like that, but somebody needs to tell it like it is.

24
How lovely. Gael, the CTU "mole," has Kim right where I want her — bound and gagged! But seriously, how many times can one girl be kidnapped and held against her will? It looks like she's vying for a record with Hope from Days of Our Lives. Sadly, Kim's captivity doesn't last, since the CTU staff finally wises up to Gael's treachery. Took 'em long enough!

In other abduction-related news, Jack's survival on Ramon Salazar's party plane was cool. Although handcuffed, Kiefer Sutherland wraps his legs around a guy's head and breaks his neck. Didja see that? I remember when Lena Olin — before she was Syd's mom on Alias — pulled the exact same move in the 1994 thriller Romeo Is Bleeding. Of course, she looked sexier doing it. That's probably due to her high heels. They just make your calves look better when you're doing a lethal scissor hold on somebody's neck. You know?

Line of Fire
I have trouble buying Anson Mount as an FBI double agent who's infiltrating the Mafia. C'mon! Last time I saw him, he was taking the virginity of Britney Spears in her dopey movie debut, Crossroads. We probably shouldn't hold that against the guy, but still...

Late Show with David Letterman
Tonight's Top 10 List was "Reasons Al Gore Has Endorsed Howard Dean." My favorite reason is No. 6: "Judgment clouded by Melana not selecting Adam on Average Joe." Hello! I heard that, Dave. By the way, even the straight-arrow Late Show host is picking up on the gay themes in Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. In Dave's mock commercial for tonight's special, Santa Claus picks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, and is rewarded with a "queer makeover." Gosh, I purposefully took a break from Queer Eye tonight, but there's just no escaping Carson & Co., is there?