First, a quick thanks to all the people who wrote to tell me about their Survivor buffs. Apparently, not only do people buy them, they actually wear them. My favorite notes came from the guy who's thinking of wearing his buff as a mini-miniskirt for his friends for, he swears, "laughs, which only proves funny once." The other came from a guy who attached it to that pull-back bar on his lawn mower. Hey, I asked. Now I know.

The O.C.
Or as I like to call it, "My Little Hour of Teen Soap-y Goodness."
"And suddenly there was a hot-hot yard guy in the yard. And he was hot." Summer, girl, truer words have rarely been spoken. (OK?) Tonight Marisa was stuck between a rock body and a hard body place. And that's the kind of conundrum I want. Let's see. Who should I date: sexy yard guy or my mini-stud of a rebel ex-boyfriend? Hmmmm. Seriously. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank Nicholas Gonzalez' parents for the gene pool that is that beautiful (and Ivy League-educated, I might add) boy. Although, note to the writers: If you turn Gonzalez' D.J. into Marisa's second stalker, I will be Up. Set. For real. Tipsy Margarita Mama does not merit that much adoration.

In other news... The D.A.'s coming down hard on Granddaddy Nichol. (Who will Julie marry next?) Seth's new comic-book buddy turns out to be Summer's new beau, Zack. (Bummer. He and Seth are so cute together.) Oh, and Hailey's off to Japan, leaving Jimmy in the brokenhearted dust. She probably had to bow out so she can work more hours on North Shore or something. Not that I will ever know, because Fox scheduled that show at 9 pm opposite CSI and The Apprentice. Like I'm ever going to watch it now. And now I'll leave you with a quote from Summer to Seth: "It seems like you only want me when you can't have me." Again, girl: True. Words.

Joey
Tonight our favorite Friend was willing to do "whatever it takes" to keep Donna. Then in the end, he did the unrealistic-but-right thing and pushed her back to her husband. Oh, Joey. Meanwhile Alex was tripping because she discovered that, as a sorta hot girl, guys will give her free stuff. So I asked my hot-sexy rock-star friend Shelley Nicole (who was visiting tonight) if she, like Joey's neighbor, gets free goods because she's, well (see the before-mentioned adjectives.) Her reply was, "Nah, girl. That's some busty, blond, white-girl bleep right there." I beg to differ. (I've been the sidekick witness to the giving of free stuff to my hot friends of all ethnicities. But she is a guest in my home. So I'm going to leave it.)

Will & Grace
Not to go into bitter mode or anything, but Grace ate butter and took like five phone calls from Will. And her nice-guy date still called her before she got home to ask her out for Round 2. BEFORE... SHE GOT... HOME!!! That's all I'm saying.

Survivor
If looks could kill, singing Scout would have been sho'nuff dead. Editors made sure we saw the looks Sarge was giving grandma — who was in full hippie mode — in the first five minutes. (Don't kill her, Sarge. Don't kill 'er!) Shoot. Army man needed to be cutting his eyes at his boy Chris, because flash-forward 30 minutes and that construction worker was siding with the women to make sure that Mr. Drill Sergeant, Sir was gone.

The Apprentice
Who knew The Knot had that much clout? Seriously. Mosaic bought like one little ad (did they say it cost $1000?). It went out to 23,000 people. And less than one day later women were lined up three wide and 30 deep to get into Mosaic's store. Shut up. They sold 12 times as many dresses as Apex. It was full-on slaughter. And I don't even need to go into detail. In general, though, tonight's episode was full of good-to-know stuff. Like that bit about discontinued wedding gowns being sold below cost... Good to know. That there are so many black women owning/running successful, trendy bridal salons in NYC... Good to know. I mean, there were three women in this episode alone, including Apex's "ace in the hole" Bernadette (notice how I'm leavin the ace comment alone). That George is back and not dying as I secretly suspected... Good to... well, you get it.

The new Tide commercial Picture this: Gorgeous brotherman lying face up in a bed with his darling son sleeping on his chest. Oh-so-sweet man gently caresses the empty space on the bed next to them... Hell, I don't care what they're trying to sell. Downy. Tide. Whatever. I'm buying.

CSI
How do you spell trouble? Tonight it's J-A-N-E-L-L-E. Daddy's poor little rich girl went all-out to get her casino-owning pop's attention. First she had herself kidnapped. Then, when that didn't work, she tried it again, accidentally killing herself in the process. Shoot. I pray there's no fact behind the fiction of this CSI story line. I hate to think that some girl somewhere locked herself in her trunk and then suffocated while waiting for her daddy to come save her. Seriously. On a lighter tip, how crazy was it to watch Grissom get all flustered over the hot new girl? Huh? Huh? Apparently there is a man inside that crime-solving master. Who knew?

California cheese commercial
Two bulls checking out a cow as she shakes her head in the sprinkler. Too much.

ER
This real-time episode was real depressing. The way that man spent his last hour of life... I can't even discuss. Although I will say this: Ray Liotta may be one creepy guy, but he was acting his butt off tonight.

OK. Wait. I have to discuss one thing. When bad dying-guy Charlie's son said "Hey, Dad, nice knowing you." Then hung up. I lost it before he did. That man told that nurse not to call his son. But no. The nosy do-gooder had to go and do what she thought was right instead of what the patient wanted. Now she's made his last minutes miserable. Ugh. Just imagine going out like that... alone... confused... hated. Ugh. Somebody make this pain go away.

McDonald's new "I'm Loving It" commercial
Destiny's Child is back together. And Beyonce's no longer in the center. Her hair's still the biggest, though.