In describing his medical history in the column, the Black Sabbath front man lists some of the things he's survived: pills, four bottles of cognac a day and biting a bat — just to name a few.
The 61-year-old also recounts that he regularly wonders how he is still alive, calling himself a medical miracle. "When I die, I should donate my body to the Natural History Museum," he writes. "It's all very well going on a bender for a couple of days — but mine went on for 40 years."
Check out the list of things Osbourne says he has survived:
1. Knocking back four bottles of cognac a day
2. Swallowing 42 types of prescription drugs during filming The Osbournes
4. Being hit by a plane (which crashed into his tour bus while he was sleeping)
5. A rare genetic condition causing a Parkinsonian-like tremor
7. Rabies treatment after eating a bat
9. Smoking cigars like cigarettes
10. A stay at a mental asylum
11. A broken neck from a quad accident
12. Always getting stoned
The father of five says he initially thought the editors at The Sunday Times "were taking the piss" when they asked him to be their new health-advice columnist, but he then thought it over and it made perfect sense. "I've seen literally thousands of doctors over my lifetime, and spent well over [a million pounds] on them, to the point where I sometimes think I know more about being a doctor than doctors do."
Osbourne, a self-described hypochondriac, detailed how has changed his health habits as he's gotten older. "I'm a different person now: I keep fit, don't smoke, don't drink, don't get high — or least not on anything but endorphins," he writes. "Now I take drugs only for real things, such as high cholesterol, depression or heartburn."
Osbourne also emphasizes the importance of early detection. The rocker doc's choice words: "Another thing that puts a bee up my arse is people who never go for checkups, or to the doctor, even when they're half-dead."
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