The O.C.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages. It's time for another edition of "Life Lessons from Orange County"!
1) When dealing with a graphic-novel consultant of a gender-nonspecific name (i.e., Reed) who's already nailed a high-schooler on Life as We Know It, teens like Seth would be wise to come clean about said consultant's sex with his rage-blackout-prone girlfriend (see below).
2) Rage-blackout-prone girlfriends such as Summer may want to think twice about running off with milquetoasty, Zachesque former flames after learning that their current emo-loving beau is working with a hottie who bears an eerie resemblance to her. Any jock that willing to comfort the girl who dumped him in front of his family is obviously up to something.
3) In the event of a husband's attempt to set his wife's secret crush/editor up with a comely surfer, guzzling wine as Kristen did to hide her jealousy has been proven to impede proper judgment. For example: "Be careful, comely surfer-girl Erin... his divorce has been really hard on him." Other side effects include tackiness, transparency, emotional infidelity.
4) Poison rules!
5) As does Whitesnake, but only in the case of "good old days" drinks with Julie Cooper's scuzzy pornographer ex-lover. And, sadly, the fashion sense of several unnamed TV Guide employees.
6) Just say no. No matter how hot the scuzzy pornographer ex-lover is, any thinly veiled offers to "take care" of hateful, older spouses of the Caleb caliber should be clearly and quickly refused. However, this can be waived if any of the parties involved either land a pilot or need to die for season-finale cliff-hanger purposes.
7) Before accusing an ex-con brother of buying dope in an alley, ask first, push later. Lest you find that he was actually helping a homeless dude and subsequently suffer the Ryan Effect, which leads to guilt-induced, though nonetheless off-the-hook, surprise 21st birthday ragers at the Cooper-Nichol compound.
8) Drug-addled jailbait must be kept away from felons and stuffed Care Bears at all costs. Tattoo parlors are acceptable, given that their low-riders reveal at least one third of their belly ink and that they promise to show the remaining two thirds to the birthday boy behind closed doors. Or off camera.
9) Drug-addled jailbait floats! (Caution: Data is still being tested to confirm whether this is the result of OD'ing or those double-Ds.)
10) Taking the blame for aforementioned overdoses to protect anyone, even fineness like Marissa, will assuredly lead to arrest and/or disgust from anyone within a two-block radius who's working a wifebeater and a kicky set of bangs. — Damian J. Holbrook

Survivor
I love Stephenie, the lone Ulonger. So much so that I had to resist shouting, "You go, girl!" in my white-girl way as she shimmied up a tree to get coconut and then single-handedly rowed the canoe that two people struggled with. She truly is She-Ra and I just hope she gets a fair shake, now that she's been absorbed by the Kororians (who have had 22 days to get under each other's skin). Most of them seemed to realize that Steph is one tough cookie, and cookies tend to get gobbled up pretty quickly when there are nine starving people around. This was proven by the way the tribe mates dove off their platforms for a sweet treat instead of trying to hold out longer for individual immunity. You'd think they hadn't eaten in days, when in reality the cool Palauan natives had provided fishing lessons and a boatload of aquatic creatures just the day before.

Seems like Jeff is having the blast on this island tour, kicking back in a lounge chair with a great big smile, teasing with food and torturing them with probing questions. But while Probst was asking about Steph, apparently the rest of the tribe sent out some secret Morse code signal that Coby was the next victim. My eyes can rest easy now that I won't have to see him in the skimpy banana hammock any more, but I think I felt the fun factor drop when Jeff said the tribe has spoken and snuffed the catty fella's torch. I guess the game is really on now. — Angel Cohn

The Apprentice
Net Worth played a game of Red Rover, Red Rover when they called Bren over to their team, but the person who really crossed to the other side was Chris. When, after seven straight losses, the emotional kid got fired and broke down in tears, the Big D invited him over to the judging side of the boardroom table for some up-close and personal advice. That's got to be a first! Trump's two pearls of wisdom were for Chris to avoid tobacco and control his temper. The tycoon's words clearly fell on deaf ears as the earlier this week the "great kid" was arrested for disorderly conduct in Tampa. I still have a feeling that he'll bounce back, against all odds. Oh, no, that phrase just reminded me of Idol's Scott Savol. Hmmmm. I think if I had to pick which of those two reality brutes I'd rather spend time with, it would be Chris. He snuck in a maniacal Mr. Burns laugh at one point tonight, and anyone who makes Simpsons references can't be all bad.

But back to the task at hand, Net Worth went careening off the road trying to sell a sexy new roadster without highlighting its curves. Perhaps they were overconfident. Bren laughed, "It is three guys and it's a car." He's right, on paper it looked like a slam dunk, but the dude team gotten taken down by one girl. Lesson learned? Never underestimate the quiet ones. While Tana and Craig went to get their beauty sleep, Kendra stayed up all night putting together a classy and well-informed brochure that Pontiac wants to use as their actual marketing material. Who knew she had it in her? Not me. I just finally was able to remember her name this week. Could it be that this forgotten gal is secretly a femme fatale who has finally shifted into high gear to pass her remaining competitors one by one and go home with an Apprenticeship and one of the vehicles that she campaigned so hard for? Hmm... — AC

ER
This repeat was entitled "An Intern's Guide to the Galaxy," but I would call it "ER: The Next Generation." So many newer and younger characters played by people from classic shows from the '90s (or early '00s). Linda Cardellini from Freaks & Geeks, then Shane West from Once and Again, plus Scott Grimes from Party of Five and, of course, Sara Gilbert from Roseanne. I don't include the brilliant Maura Tierney from News Radio here because she's been on this show for so long. But you get my drift. Just gearing up for Noah Wyle's upcoming exit, I suppose.

Tonight opened up by making me feel homesick for my hometown of Chicago (I love it when they do their rare on-location scenes — nice quick shot of Neela running in front of the Buckingham Fountain.) Speaking of Neela, it cracked me up how she, on her first day back to work, was getting so p---ed off at Sara's Jane character. My fave line was Sara's: "I'm on an ER rotation. Shouldn't I be like, cracking chests instead of making coffee?" Sara Gilbert will always be Darlene to me.

The best story line was the woman who contracted HIV after a one-night stand and Abby pretending to get stuck with a needle just to get the woman the expensive prophylactic triple cocktail so she wouldn't get AIDS. Love me some Maura (hey, Emmy committee — please take note)! Thankfully, we get five new episodes in a row starting next Thursday. Hallelujah. — Dave Anderson

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