The O.C.
OK, I'm not sure what's bigger:
1) Seth botching a dinner with George Lucas to swap places with Zzzach as Summer's prom date;
2) Caleb's frozen heart giving out seconds after Julie ixnayed her spiked-margarita plan; or
3) Theresa the 40-year-old teenager resurfacing to defend Coop's honor to Ryan while hiding the fact that she didn't actually lose that kid of his last fall. Oh, and let's not forget Kirsten's whole "I'm not an alkie" denial thing. I guess when you walk away from being plowed down by an 18-wheeler with a few sprained fingers and a seemingly mobile scratch on your brow, it's easy to forget that you can outdrink the Barrymores and Kennedys. Combined. What I won't forget is how great it was to see Kelly Rowan let loose when Kirsten tore her pops a new one for messing up their family. Or the horrified look on Melinda Clarke's face after JuJu's soon-to-be ex went toes-up in the pool. Yeah, this week was bangin'. And you know, whenever someone dies or pops back up with a secret lovechild a week before the finale, that's a sure sign that things are about to get real ugly real fast. I don't mean more of Nerd Boy and Ass Clown bickering over Summer, either. I'm talking Ryan opening a case of beatdown on Trey's scraggly Marissa-molesting butt and a visit to rehab via Rock-Bottom Boulevard for Kiki. But the writers are going to have to work it like they want it, especially if they hope to top Lucas' hideous little moment tonight. I mean really, confessing that he skipped his own prom to stay home and think up the Ewoks and Jar-Jar Binks? That's just a sin. — Damian J. Holbrook

(Love The O.C.? Get the scoop on next week's finale and more on the TV Guide Channel's Hot Teen Finales special, airing May 18 at 8pm ET.)

Survivor
OK, Caryn basically asked to go home. Survivor rules clearly state that you do not reveal your strategy and alliances at tribal council; they can always come back to bite you. Remember, be cordial-ish while stabbing people in the back until you've got that million-dollar check in your hand. But her whole rant was worth it to see the great expressions on Coby's face. You know the little mischief-maker is just lappin' up all these emaciated contestants going at each other's throats. But watching the jury does make me really miss Stephenie. It's gotta be killing the curly haired She-Ra to be sitting over there watching undeserving people like coughcoughJenniferandKatiecoughcough still playing the game. Actually, Katie has at least kind of earned her spot in the final four. Sure, she lazed around and watched other people work and tried to be comic relief instead of tough competition, but her acting performance with the girls and then with Ian was remarkable. Someone get this girl an agent, because the way that she wrapped Ian around her little finger shows she could have some serious acting chops. I still want Ian to win, not only because I've got 5 bucks on him in the office pool, but because he was a good player... well, at least until he royally screwed up his plan tonight. Hopefully he'll remember before Sunday's finale that he isn't swimming with dolphins anymore — these people are sharks. — Angel Cohn

The Apprentice
Tana, Tana, Tana. Where is the sweet Iowa girl I really wanted to win? Tonight I wanted to grab her and wash her mouth out with a great big bar of Dove soap after listening to the profanity she was spouting. It was annoying enough when she was dropping the F-bomb while making derogatory comments about her teammates, but when she called her bowl of pretzels bitches? That was just unnecessarily crude. Real professional. Personally, I thought her behavior during the entire task was uncalled for. Given that Kristin royally screwed up those flyers and Brian didn't seem to do much at all, but Chris said that his goal sincerely was to help Tana win the task and the job. She obviously didn't want to take advantage of the temper-prone employees eagerness. And what was her whole spiel about leaving after her employees so that she would know she was an executive? Most execs I know are the first ones out of a room and don't have time to waste hiding in a garage to make sure their employees have left the building. So if Mr. T makes his decision solely based on this task, I think Kendra's gonna win it hands down, especially when Michael, Erin and Danny talk her up after their little lovefest. Danny's probably even written a special song just for the occasion. If I know The Donald and he sees the footage of that EA guy offering Kendra a job, he'll want to hire her before someone else does. Guess that's his competitive instinct. And raise your hand if you thought that pretty girl threw her video-game boxing match with Mr. Trump just for the camera. Does anyone not have their hand up in the air? — AC

CSI
Remember that moment in This Is Spinal Tap when Nigel Tufnel recalls a drummer's death with the explanation "You can't dust for vomit"? Well, regurgitation proves no obstacle for CSI. Sara made Greg scoop a bit off the carpet of a jock's room when two horny freshmen were found stiff after a torrid night of rolling on the floor. Later, the cops nearly had a bigger mess on their hands when the coed dorm's toilet exploded. (Good thing no one was going at the time— otherwise they would've been goners.) The red herring was the jock's next-door neighbor — one of those dime-a-dozen gay hot-rod fanatics. The killer was one of the jock's unwitting conquests — a science major (dig the Tina Fey smart-girl specs) who poisoned him with dry ice. Boys, don't ever, but never, treat bookworms like tissues! If that reads like a segue, it is, because worms always liven up dramatic lulls, like in the scene where the milky-white tapeworm slithered out of the corpse's mouth. This poor devil was found in what looked to be a crop circle but was actually a grass indentation produced by whirling helicopter blades. Catherine had the line of the night when she nailed the perp — the spineless host of Going All the Way (a Fear Factor-type reality show) — for literally scaring the victim to death on video. "When the jury sees that that tape, you'll be Going All the Way to jail — for 25 to life." Finally, I dug the fact that the deceased man stolen from the morgue by his party buds looked like the guy who hosted Spike TV's Oblivious.— G. J. Donnelly

ER
I was concerned there for a while. When Carter showed up in Paris and Kem didn't seem overjoyed, I was like "Why is he going to leave ER if she's being a beeyotch and seems a bit too into that Michel dude?" But after that dramatic ending with Carter running in the rain to the beat of pulsating music, it was a relief that Kem so happy to see him. I love me some Thandie Newton. If you haven't seen it yet, run, don't walk to the movie theater to see Crash. Thandie is dandy in it, as is the entire cast.

Meanwhile, back at ER, it cracked me up to see Luka and Samantha start therapy. I'd watch Linda Cardellini read the phone book, but boy do I love her on this show. Her reaction when Luka asked her if she wanted anything from Home Depot ("Towel bars?!?") just killed me. "I'll take product placement for $200, Alex."

Two of the best lines (thanks, John Wells — you know it's a pivotal episode when he writes it) were from Abby: "How come every kid named Destiny, Miracle or Faith ends up with leukemia?" and Susan: "Morris doesn't have the sharpest shovel in the shed." But the very best one was from Kem's mother to Carter: "You know what life is? Joy and grief — hand in hand. You can't know real happiness until you've had true sorrow to contrast it with." And now that Carter's Africa-bound, may I suggest they start next week's season finale with Toto's "Africa"? Please? Thanks. — Dave Anderson

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