The O.C.
I'll be damned if I didn't have a few Aha! moments while watching tonight's episode. (Yes, I speak Oprah fluently.) Basically I realized that I am:
1. A bit Seth Cohen-y. "I'm all I think about," he said. "And not in a good way." Ohmygoodness. I do have a tendency to make everything be about me. (Oh, poor thing. You're sick? Well, you'd better not give me your cold.) Wait. I'm doing it right now.
2. That girl. Or at least I was. Back in high school, I, like Ryan's new lab partner (and probable love interest) Lindsay, would always just do the team projects, put everybody's names on it and turn it in. It was just easier that way. Working with people is overrated.
3. Tired of Marissa talking to her mom like she pays the bills. Julie — or better yet, papa Jimmy — needs to put that girl in her place.
4. Envious of Summer. I mean, Seth took a minimum-wage job to buy her and Zach concert tickets. Sure, he was really just trying to win her back. But still. How sweet is that? I mean, I'm still trying to get a man to cross the street for me. OK?
5. Impressed with Zach's clear-thinking maturity. The boy reads four or five newspapers a day! I'm lucky if I get through our office's clips pack (a Xeroxed booklet highlighting entertainment news articles).
6. Ready to pimp-slap Grandpa Nichol. Making Julie CEO? Come on. That's not going to save his warped marriage. I know old men think differently. But in what world is that a smart move? Seriously now.
7. Over angsty, hug-the-mic-stand white-boy rock, cutesy, self-referential inside jokes and 90210 rip-offs. I mean, hello. The crew's new hangout (called the Bait Shop) is so the Peach Pit.

The New Levi's commercial
Dude had his dog chase down the girl and pull his Regular 505 jeans off her. They are wrong for that. Not to mention, if denim trumps love we are so in trouble.

Survivor
Heeeelp!! I can't get the image of Twila wrapped around the totem pole, biting the rope and chanting "Go down, Chad. Go down!" out of my mind. She won immunity. But I lost my innocence. That said, I hate to admit it, but Chris's method of winning the women over would totally work on me. If a guy attacked my character it would be on. But if he showed weakness, let me help him or let me think I was in control, I'd be putty in his hands. Dang! I hate being that predictable. I also hate that they voted off Chad and Eliza's still there. But what can you do?

Extreme Makeover
So Kim Rodriguez couldn't maintain the hairstyle the makeover artist gave her for last year's Big Reveal. Are we surprised? Hell, no. I mean, they hooked the girl's teeth up (correcting her crazy-scary overbite, etc.) But they screwed her on the hair. At least the new 'do is more sensible. Now if only they could fix the color. Oh, and another thing, you know it's true love if you're willing to let your husband make surgical suggestions for your body. I was watching Survivor and didn't see that part of ExM. But my little sister said it was kind of sweet. In a sick way. Also sick, Bubba the bull rider's creepy new Ken Doll look. His teeth were blinding me!

Will & Grace
Hey, it's Sydney's dad Jack Bristow! I've missed you, man.

Sick-sad Quote of the Night: "You are never closer to God than when you are on television." — Karen said this to Victor Garber's character Peter in an attempt to convince him to go back to playing his Cocoa Devil commercial character for Jack's Out TV network.

CSI This episode was out of control. The men were women. The women were men. That nice counselor lady was actually the evil black-market gender-reassignment surgeon guy. And Grissom went to a transgender bar called the Cockpit where he told a big black he/she thing "I don't want your ass." Ow. My brain. On a happier note: Thanks to Aisha Tyler's character, I now know that "overshare" is the new "T.M.I."

The New Johnson & Johnson commercial
Aw, look at the baby. Aren't you the cutest thing? Walking toward the camera doing that weeble-wobbly stumble step that toddlers do. Oh, come'ere, let mama pick you up.

Mrs. Paul's commercial
I'm not uncomfortable with fish. I'm uncomfortable with this commercial. What's with the giant fish? That's not cute. That's scary. Or as my little sister jokingly says, "They done messed up." See, now I'm not going to buy Mrs. Paul fish sticks on general principle (that's "on GP" for my sister's hipster set).

The Apprentice
Finally Ivana delivers! Her jeans-fitting wheel was a great idea. And I think it won that Levi's challenge for Apex. But then give-good-lip Jennifer got the credit for it... And to make matters worse, she accepted the praise. What?! As Maya would say on Girlfriends, "Ah, hell no!" Blondie would have to sleep with one eye open after that. Or wake to find me shredding her jeans while she was still in them. Not that any of the players will sleep well after The Donald fired both Wes and blinks-a-lot Maria during Mosaic's boardroom. (What?!) Producers probably weren't too happy about that one. It meant they had to actually — gasp — shoot new footage of Maria and Wes leaving Trump Tower, instead of using the footage they'd taped early in the season. What, you didn't know? Yeah, boys and girls, most of the shots of the fired folks walking out of the building and getting into the cab were recorded early in the season. (That's why sometimes their outfits and hair don't match the way they'd worn them in the boardroom.)

Without a Trace
Talk about the evil that men do. Turns out dude was not just his brother's keeper. He was his evil, serial killing doppelganger. (Look ma, I used the episode's title in a sentence!) My question: Did Tony Goldwyn get paid twice for playing messed-up twins Rick and Greg Knowles? I'm just wondering. And, OK, I know that's not saying much about tonight's episode. But what can I say? I watched it with resentment. Trace is great and all. But I'd really rather be watching ER. I know it no longer gets the gazillions of viewers that Trace nabs. But ER's all emotionally manipulative and stuff. And, basically, I can count on it to push me to tears. And I'm not a cryer, so I kind of need that.

Conversations with Carrie Fisher
God bless Oxygen. Who else would give this woman her own talk show? And let her spend airtime talking to her showbiz friends and parents? No, really. Tonight the former Princess Leia told her father, "Daddy, show everybody your tracks." And she wasn't talking about 76-year-old singer Eddie Fisher's old hit records. But you know what? He rolled up his lime-green-silk sleeve and showed her the injection scars left behind after decades of drug abuse. Now that's some Hollywood stuff right there. Then they proceeded to have a conversation about the drugs and women he did over the years, that time he accidentally swallowed his hearing aid and how fame has rendered him helpless. To wind things up: Carrie asked the man who cruelly dumped her mother for Elizabeth Taylor, "What can we hope to get from the will? Are we getting some outfits at least?" I'm not kidding. And this was her idea of a birthday bonding interview session. Carrie Fisher. She's crazy. But you gotta love her.