After informing NBC he won't do The Tonight Show a half-hour later, Conan O'Brien kicked off Tuesday's show with: "Hello there, my name is Conan O'Brien, and I may soon be available for children's parties."
VIDEO: Watch Conan's monologue now
O'Brien then suggested his network's new slogan is, "No longer just screwing up prime time."
"When I was a little boy, I remember watching The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and thinking, 'Someday, I'm going to host that show for seven months,'" O'Brien said.
"NBC says they're planning to have the late-night situation worked out before the Winter Olympics start. ... And trust me, when NBC says something — you can take that to the bank!"
He segued into material about Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who's still under fire for remarks he made about President Obama's "blackness"— then got in one more jab.
"Sources say Reid could face congressional censure, or even worse, be promised The Tonight Show at 11:30," O'Brien said. "I wouldn't wish that on anyone."
He returned to the topic, pretending that the news had spread internationally with people such as Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and former Cuban leader Fidel Castro supposedly discussing it.
Before bringing on his first guest, retired NBC anchorman Tom Brokaw, he went on to do a shtick that liked NBC to a pimp and himself, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon and Carson Daly to "ho's" the network wanted to keep in its stable.