Are you ready for some football? The Oakland Raiders weren't. On a rainy (record amounts), windy (22 mph at game time) night in Seattle, the Raiders offense appeared to be ready for Arena Football at best. The good news for any Raiders fans who happen to watch Grey's Anatomy is that Patrick Dempsey was ready for some football. Yes, McDreamy made an appearance during the game's opening sequence, holding up a helmet, and could have only looked less comfortable if he was holding a used diaper. I'm glad ESPN isn't too desperate to include stars and prove that the Monday Night Football franchise hasn't lost anything by leaving ABC.

The highlight of the pre-game segment was seeing the tragic effects of the Seattle rain on the broadcasters' hair. It appeared a cat (maybe several) had been pawing at the sides of the heads of both Chris Berman and Tony Kornheiser. So little hair, so much frizz. The lowlight of the segment was how Kornheiser took the air out of this matchup before it even started. He began by detailing how far the once-mighty Raiders have fallen, then how the two big stars on the Seattle Seahawks, Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander, are injured. I understand they couldn't turn a blind eye to these topics and pretend this was a sparkling, quality matchup, but it did leave me wondering why ESPN would choose to televise a Raiders game not once, but twice.

Before the game I realized two things: For the Raiders, it would be an impressive win, because they will have beaten both participants in last year's Super Bowl. For Seattle, Seneca Wallace has really long arms for a QB. They're not quite the arm equivalent of Merton Hank's neck, but close. Then it was time for kickoff. I'll go over it this week (and every week) by quarter.

First Quarter: I admit this was my first time watching the Raiders this season, and after hearing how bad they are, I was kind of excited to witness it first hand. On their first possession, the offense did not disappoint, as they went three and out. The first Seahawks possession was much more successful. Not only did the offense put together a nice drive culminating in a pretty touchdown pass to Deion Branch, it also featured a player introduction by Hasselbeck where he described Seneca Wallace as "Jim Zorn-esque." Impressive on all fronts. On the second Raiders possession, I loved how the announcers decided to detail QB Andrew Walter's problems by showing film of every mistake he's made all season: getting sacked, throwing balls over the heads of receivers, and throwing balls straight into the gut of opposing defenders. I was waiting for stock footage of a building collapse by the end of it. In a case of perfect timing, on the very next play after Walter's disaster reel, he was sacked. In addition to a bad offensive line, it looks like Walter isn't helping matters by standing in the pocket way too long. If Madden '07 has taught me anything, it's that a QB will get crushed if he just holds the ball in the pocket all day. This treatment continued throughout the quarter, and the Seahawks defense had a ridiculous five sacks by the end of it, including three straight at one point. Not only did I feel bad for the guy, but I learned what a piñata would look like in a helmet and pads. In contrast, I thought the Seahawks offense (Seneca Wallace in particular) looked pretty good. Coach Mike Holmgren did a solid job of calling plays that allowed Wallace to move around and use his speed. You know who wasn't doing a solid job? The Seattle fan in the stands who held up the word "Sea" in one hand and a fence in the other hand. Seafence? That sounds made up. By the end of the quarter, the Seahawks appeared to be on their way to a trouncing, up 10 to 0.

Second Quarter: Unfortunately this quarter is where the on-field action began to stall, but there were enough events off the field to keep me entertained. One example was Holmgren's near-aneurysm after Seahawks TE Jerramy Stevens got that taunting penalty. It was at this point that Tony Kornheiser had one of his annoying moments and described Holmgren's expression as "the bitter beer face." I loved Kornheiser's radio show, and like him now on his show Pardon the Interruption, but making jokes with outdated ad campaigns will bring things to a screeching halt. It's better than saying "It looks like someone squeezed Mike's Charmin," but not by much. Shortly after the bad penalty, Stevens compounded things by dropping a very easy catch in the end zone. I'm starting to think he's destined to always be an unreliable player, and that his Super Bowl performance was not a fluke.

What was I saying earlier about ESPN being desperate to work stars into their MNF broadcasts? Christian Slater appearing in the booth caught me completely off guard. I'm not sure which was more painful - the plug-filled questions about his new film Bobby (premiering November 17th!) or Slater's attempts to sound like he knew what was going on in the game. The latter was especially funny as he got a little too excited about common football events: squealing after a punt, "Look at that kick!" and yelling after a tackle, "Took him down!" Kornheiser gets points for calling him on this when he asked, "Is this the first game you've been to?" I think deep down Tony was happy to have someone in the studio who knew less about football than him.

For everyone, there are things you see that you can't un-see - a grisly car crash, accidentally catching your parents in a romantic moment, tank tops on the obese at an amusement park. Tonight I add to this list the sight of Raiders owner Al Davis. He is 77 years old, but doesn't look a day over 107. He also appears to be coated in wax.

After the Seahawks added another field goal, both offenses stalled in the soggy weather. However, the Raiders managed to look much worse. The big excitement is that the MNF record for sacks in a game is 12, and the Seahawks are at seven by halftime! Poor Andrew Walter. If he had started each play in a fetal position beneath the center, I would have understood. He's about five sacks away from becoming an accountant. Heading into halftime, the Seahawks were still leading 13 to 0.

At halftime I made myself a cup of coffee. Seriously. I was hoping the action level would pick up in the second half.

Third quarter: If you love action, your only hope was to watch this game with Die Hard on picture-in-picture. No one scored in the third quarter, so the punters got lots of screen time, and I pondered a second cup of coffee. Speaking of punters, Mike Tirico had one of the least-flattering descriptions of a player I've ever heard, calling Oakland's punter, Shane Lechler, "big-legged." Poor guy. He has enough to worry about on this team, and now he has to worry if his pants make him look fat. I thought Kornheiser had a good line when he called out Joe Theismann for having a "man-crush" on Wallace after complimenting him for the 17th time on his speed and his ability to adjust to being short. I love it when you can hear the hatred in Theismann's voice after Kornheiser makes a joke. I'm waiting for the day when he loses it, slaps a Lawrence Taylor jersey on Kornheiser and starts strangling him. More on the broadcast team in a little bit.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder than a Christian Slater appearance, Brian Bosworth appeared in the booth! I thought it was great because first they showed those pictures of Bosworth sporting every awful look of the '80s, and then bam! He's in the studio. I'm sure all of Seattle groaned when he appeared on the screen. I did enjoy Kornheiser turning into James Lipton and talking about Stone Cold. I also enjoyed hearing him talk about the rivalry between the Seahawks and Raiders while airing clips of him getting run over by Bo Jackson.

In this quarter we saw the one deep pass thrown to Randy Moss all game (and Ken Hamlin nailed him to help prevent the catch), and some signs of life from the Oakland offense near the end of it with their running game doing some damage. We also got another view of Al Davis, who appeared to be doing straight shots of embalming fluid at this point. The Seahawks continued to lead (and the Raiders continued to linger) 13 to 0.

Fourth Quarter: The game was still a mess and filled with more and more punting. The weather seemed to be getting gradually worse as the game progressed. I give credit to the Seattle fans for sticking around. I guarantee you I was the only person watching this game outside of Seattle and Oakland. Fifty-year-old men asleep in recliners with the TV on don't count. I hope people under house arrest were being forced to watch it. Since you were probably asleep (and hopefully you aren't right now), a quick run-down of the highlights:

According to a commercial that aired repeatedly, they're doing a TV version of the movie Groundhog Day. It's called Day Break, and they did a bad job of casting, as the actor in it looks nothing like Bill Murray.

Michael Wilbon appeared in the broadcast booth and showed me what is missing from that broadcast team: they need someone who meshes with Kornheiser. Wilbon is able to take Kornheiser's jokes, throw a shot right back at him, all the while keeping the conversation interesting and on sports. I can't believe I'm typing this about a man who starred in Cannonball Run II, but Theismann doesn't have a sense of humor that mixes with Kornheiser. I thought the conversation got a lot smarter and more interesting when Wilbon showed up.

Apparently sideline reporter Michele Tafoya owns a coat made out of my grandmother's sofa and decided to wear it last night.

As frustrations on the Raiders grew, Tyler Brayton tried to knee Jerramy Stevens in the crotch. As with everything else the Raiders tried last night, he was unsuccessful. He got thrown out of the game for trying, though.

We missed out on a new MNF sack record (the Seahawks only reached nine), but the Raiders did set a record as the only team to get shut out twice on MNF in the same season. Oof.

I'll see you next week for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers matchup. Take care.