Murder in Suburbia I'm watching...

Murder in Suburbia I'm watching this BBC America detective series because you need to be a detective to find anything on tonight that's not a rerun. And OK, also because I happen to think that its female buddy-cops, Ash and Scribs, are cute. Besides, the show is funny, unlike gloomy American police procedurals where the cops mutter unhappily while poking at cadavers to an industrial-rock soundtrack.

For instance: Ash and Scribs' boss, whom they both have the hots for, scolds them because a perp complained that they "used the C-word." They get off the hook by explaining that the word was "can't," delivered in a posh British accent.

The trouble is, BBC America is about 50 percent commercials. So, since the murder victim was a do-it-yourself fanatic, during one of them I switch to...

Weekend Decorating ... on the DIY network. Here, an obviously insane woman is gluing toile de Jouy (that's patterns of 18th-century French scenes, guys) to the ceiling. Then she starts explaining about faux bois, which is painting a fake wood grain. Wouldn't it be easier to use, well... wood? Just asking.

Meantime, on Murder in Suburbia, guest suspect Edward Woodward (anybody remember The Equalizer?) is waltzing away with the episode. Clearly he's the murderer. He's outacting everyone.

OK, we're back to Weekend Decorating and... Ahh! Ahh! She's painted hideous fake wood grain all over the walls! It looks like Dr. Caligari's rumpus room. Now she's wiring a chandelier to the ceiling. She probably plans to use it for a reading lamp next to the sofa she's going to Krazy-Glue up there.

Always consult a professional if you are uncomfortable working with electricity, an on-screen caption suggests. Good advice, honey. Something to keep in mind when you're getting your shock treatments.

PS — I was right: Edward Woodward did it. Score!

Hell: The Devil's Domain Ominous music thunders and a grim-voiced narrator intones: "He is... the archenemy of mankind!" Omigod, is Simon Cowell back on Idol already? Or could it be... Satan? Actually, it's just a bunch of theologians and authors talking about Satan. And talking. And talking. By the time we get to the good stuff, like the guy who had the near-death experience and got mugged by demons (as depicted in a reenactment so blurry that it could just as easily be a scrimmage from the Eagles-Rams game I've been flipping to), it's like the final hour of Return of the King when Frodo is saying goodbye to every single person in Middle Earth and you just want to give him a good, swift kick in his little Hobbit ass. This freakin' documentary is two hours long. But it is giving me an idea of what hell is really like.

Monday Night Football I flip over just in time for an enormous close-up of a player getting his contact lens put back in. Do we really need to be seeing this? Isn't filling moments like this what God invented cheerleaders for?

No Regrets So. Many. Questions about this bizarre Lifetime movie.1. Are we in the movie, or the movie-within-the-movie that a guy named Alex is making about the woman he was in love with in college only she married a guy named Phil while he settled for Janine Turner?2. Which one is Alex and which one is Phil? Even when they're in the same shot, I can't tell them apart. No wonder these two women each married the wrong guy.3. Why didn't someone tell Janine Turner that lip liner is supposed to outline your lips, not your entire face?4. In the male-bonding scene, just how much wood do these guys need to chop for one weekend at a cabin? Particularly when it's summer?5. Say, wasn't that Kate Jackson I just saw for like three seconds? Which movie is she in, the movie or the movie-within-the-movie?6. Does Janine have echolalia, the compulsion to repeat other people's words, along with that thing in her commercials where her eyes can't form tears? What else could account for dialogue like:Alex (on phone): Guess who I met? Phil and Suzanne.Cheryl: Phil and Suzanne?Alex: Yeah. I'm at their house.Cheryl: You're at their house?Suzanne: Cheryl?Cheryl: Suzanne?Suzanne: It's good to hear your voice.Cheryl: It's good to hear your voice.7. Omigod, did Janine Turner really just say penis? So many questions, so few answers. Except to No. 6. The answer is yes, it is echolalia. It's the only possible explanation for dialogue like:Alex: What's the matter, honey?Cheryl: What's the matter, honey?!?Alex: I'm not leaving.Cheryl (to Suzanne): He's not leaving.Suzanne: Nobody's leaving.

Now the How Clean Is Your House? ladies who keep interrupting this mess have caught it. "How dirty is your bathroom?" one of them brays accusingly in her posh British accent. "How filthy is your kitchen?" the other one shrieks.

Alex may not be leaving. But I am.

Robin Honig is on vacation. Today's column was written by Rick Schindler.