Our top moments of the week:
15. Best Bombshell, Part I: On the Switched at Birth season finale, just hours after Regina goes on a date with another man and seems poised to finally get over her no-good baby daddy, John tells her that the best way to save Angelo from deportation would be to marry him. Hm, we're pretty sure getting married isn't in the "Getting Over Your Ex" handbook.
14. Biggest Head-scratcher: The Voice coach Cee Lo Green is the most daring of the show's four mentors, but sometimes he pushes the envelope a little too much for our taste. When he pits arrogant pop vocalist Erin Martin against rocker duo The Shields Brothers on the Tina Turner classic "What's Love Got To Do With It," the result is a hot-mess mash-up of two clashing styles. "That was so weird," Adam Levine says. And by "weird," he means "wrong" — very, very wrong.
13. A Bend in the River Award: Just when the Magus crew thought it was all over on The River — having found Emmet alive and exorcised the demon Bouina out of Lincoln — they get the shock of their lives as they try to navigate their way back to civilization. When the village around the river's bend doesn't appear as indicated on the map, A.J. launches their "eye in the sky" flying camera that reveals that the river is reshuffling the jungle around them. "The river's changing," Lincoln says. "It's never gonna let us go." And judging by the ratings, "never" might be right.
12. Slippery When Wet Award: Jess is rarely ever a smooth operator, but she takes her awkwardness to a whole other level when she visits the house of Russell (guest star Dermot Mulroney), one of her school's rich donors, on New Girl. First, she breaks his fancy Japanese toilet when she pushes it up to six smiley faces, causing water to shoot out all over them and the bathroom. Then, when she finally decides to accept his invitation to dinner, she promptly turns around and falls smack into his equally fancy outdoor pond. At least she doesn't have to worry about making an impression?
11. Best Tease: After flirting up a storm last month with Gibbs on NCIS, Dr. Samantha Ryan (guest star Jamie Lee Curtis) finally makes a move and locks lips with the silver fox at his house. And like any good flirt, she leaves him wanting more, abruptly leaving to care for her son — but not without offering Gibbs a glimmer of hope. "I wanna stop running, Gibbs. Really," she says. "I just don't know if I can." He replies: "I'm here, doc."
10. Best Game of Telephone: Diane Lockhart works her butt off on The Good Wife, so she more than deserves to have a little fun, right? However, she finds herself faced with a very interesting dilemma — the old dating double booking — when she gets an offer from "Marlboro Man" Kurt McVeigh to go fishing on Saturday and, in the middle of her call with Kurt, gets a ring from Jack also asking her out. After accidentally not switching lines and calling Jack "Kurt," she proceeds to book an 8 a.m. fishing expedition with Kurt and a Friday night date with Jack. You go, girl!
9. Most Moving Reunion: After eight-and-a-half seasons of countless near-death situations, One Tree Hill's villainous Dan Scott finally dies following an emotional goodbye with his son Nathan, daughter-in-law Haley and two grandchildren. As he fades to the other side, he receives the ultimate gift: a poignant reunion with his brother Keith, whom he had killed in Season 3. Standing in the school hallway where he had shot him, Dan profusely apologizes to Keith, who forgives him before leading him into the white light. "I know where you're going, but what about me?" Dan asks. "Don't worry, little brother," Keith says. "You're my plus-one." RIP, Keith and Dan.
8. Best Gray Area: Southland's Ben Sherman decides what kind of cop he wants to be when, after nearly being shot by a pimp he had roughed up recently, he spends his entire day seeking revenge. When Ben finds the pimp, he chases him into an alley — out of sight from his partner and the camera — and shoots him. Although a gun is found near the pimp at the scene, there's no way of knowing if Ben shot in self-defense or if he planted the evidence after committing cold-blooded murder. That alone is reason enough for Season 5, right, TNT?
7. Best Showdown: Yes, we loved watching creepy Quarles explain how he got so messed up on Justified. (His dad used to whore him out until Detroit mobster Theo Tonin stepped in, at which point Quarles offed his pops.) But Quarles is just as electrifying when he walks into the bar Raylan now calls home and tells the lawman that he won't rest until he puts a bullet in his head. Never one to back down from a challenge, Raylan quips, "Why wait?" and ushers all the other patrons out of the bar. Too bad the bartender shuts down the duel before it can go any further, but this stand-off most certainly must be continued.
6. Best Bombshell, Part II: After digging through their therapist's notebook (yes, that happened), Jules and Grayson celebrate about being "baggage-free" on Cougar Town. Not so fast! One of Grayson's former conquests, a club girl he used to hook up with "hard," stops by his pub with a little girl in tow. "So this is kind of what I wanted to catch up about," she says. "She's yours!" Uh-oh. We're gonna need Big Carl over here — and fast!
5. Biggest Laughs: Conan O'Brien can stand tall as a man of his word. After joking last month about doing a whole Conan episode on the miniature set of his impossibly adorable Puppy Conan segment, the gangly funnyman makes it happen (the episode is appropriately titled "Honey, I Shrunk the Show.") But hunkering down behind a tiny desk isn't enough. To up the comedic effect, Coco's guests are big and tall: The Sopranos' Steve Schirripa, 6-foot-4 Joel McHale and ultimate larger-than-life guy Shaquille O'Neal, whose oversized body on comically undersized furniture is the best visual gag we've seen all year. See, size doesn't matter.
4. Most Fitting Farewell: At Mike's funeral on Desperate Housewives, Susan changes her mind at the last minute and decides to say a few words about her fallen husband. Thinking back to a nice day at a diner with him and their son, Susan says that Mike is really in a better place: eating cheeseburgers in a diner, fishing at a waterfall and yelling like a maniac while watching football. "Since he has to be in all those wonderful places, I'm going to have say goodbye to him now." In real life, this "better place" is also known as pilot season. Peace out, Marc Cherry!
3. Best New Mystery: On the season finale of Pretty Little Liars, the identity of the girls' secret tormentor "A" is finally revealed to be geek-turned-mean girl Mona. Or is it? In the final moments of the episode, a locked-up, psychotic Mona tells a mysterious, red coat-wearing visitor, "I did everything you asked me to," leaving us with a brand-new set of questions for Season 3: Is Mona really "A" or is she just part of the "A"-Team?
2. Handsomest Water War: Remember this Mad Men poster? Thanks to Jimmy Fallon, we get to see it come to life. OK, his Late Night studio doesn't flood, but he challenges Jon Hamm to a Water War — his super-wet twist on the classic card game War, in which the person with the higher hand drenches the loser with a glass of water. Unfortunately for a borrowed Tom Ford suit-clad Hamm ("They're getting it back wet," he reports), who only gets to douse the host twice, the card gods are on Fallon's side, and he wins the five rounds. Always a good sport, Hamm hilariously takes his soakings like a man — even the water cannon at the end. Sorry you lost, Jon, but let us help you out of those clothes.
1. Best Introduction: If you're still mourning Shane's death from last week's The Walking Dead, it's time to dry those eyes. The season finale introduces us to Michonne, a hooded, sword-wielding zombie killer who will surely drive the series to new heights. A fan favorite from the comics upon which the series is based, Michonne comes to Andrea's rescue just when it seems like she's about to become devoured by a walker. Using her trademark sword, Michonne deftly slaughters the zombie in the nick of time. Rick and Shane's bromance is over! It's time for a lady leader to shine!
What were your top moments?