Our top moments of the week:
16. Most Self-Aware Reality-Show Judge: Showing she does have a sense of humor about herself, Christina Aguilera injects a little levity into a coaching session with battle-round opponents Frenchie Davis and Tarralyn Ramsey on The Voice. "Don't worry about the words! I never worry about the words!" she laughs, referring to her National Anthem debacle. Can't wait to hear what she has to say about her night behind bars!
15. Sweetest Apology: On 90210, Raj spends most of the prom outside getting drunk and ruins the special night for girlfriend Ivy. He later explains he is trying to push her away as he slowly dies from cancer, but when she tells him she's sticking with him to the end, he proposes on the beach at sunrise. We're not endorsing teen marriage, but we can get behind this.
14. Happily-Ever-After Award: For once, a Brothers & Sisters event is devoid of drama, as Sarah and Luc wed in a sweet ceremony and the whole clan (including Brody!) comes together, dancing, laughing and toasting the newlyweds. After five years of high jinks, infidelity, love children, death and betrayal, it's a long-overdue happy (series?) ending for the Walkers.
13. Best/Worst First Date: When Detective Chuck Vance realizes he has no chance with Bree on Desperate Housewives, their first date goes from bad to worse after he picks up a prostitute (to bring her to the women's shelter, natch) and, in a misguided effort to convince the girl to change her ways, lies to her and tells her that Bree once worked the streets too. Not a lot of guys can get away with calling a girl a "whore," but the move weirdly increases Chuck's stock. (Warning, gentlemen: This only works on TV. Repeat, do not try this at home.)
12. Daddy Dearest Award: After swapping parental roles for the day on Modern Family, Phil has trouble slipping into Claire's "bad cop" uniform. But he immediately switches into full-fledged dictator mode when Haley and Alex try to book it after not cleaning up the bathroom. "Stop this car!" he shouts, before throwing himself onto the hood. "No more lies! You poked the bear, girls! You poked him!" Don't worry, girls. This bear can't handle the sight of drain hair, so you're fine.
11. Craziest Mood-Killer: Just as Gossip Girl's Dan and Charlie are about to get it on, she tells Dan he can call her Serena — as in his ex-girlfriend and her cousin — and begins to show her true, slightly crazy colors. Only months after a visit from Annie's equally Single White Female-like cousin on 90210, our only question is: How many psycho cousins can there be on the CW?
10. Tit-for-Tat Award: Within earshot of The Donald, Star Jones and Meat Loaf go back and forth on Celebrity Apprentice over the branding of their team's OnStar commercial. "You may be a lawyer, but you know what? I can argue just as good as you can, dear," he snaps. She counters: "You have to come with my credentials to get me to debate with you. Enough!" In a talking head, Meat Loaf proclaims, "The last thing you want to do is get in an argument with me, 'cause I'll take you down." That comments turns out to be prescient, as Jones' branding bungle sends her packing. Though you could argue that Jones is often misunderstood, it still feels like a ding-dong-the-witch-is-dead kind of moment.
9. Best Breakup: We're not usually in favor of devious breakups, but we totally support Ted & Co. recruiting Arthur to steal the lion's head from the Arcadian Hotel on How I Met Your Mother as a tactic to tear the building down — and as a means to an end for Ted and Zoey's protracted and cantankerous relationship. "Sometimes things have to fall apart in order to make way for better things," Ted says. We hope so, since Zoey left a lot to be desired.
8. Best Comeback: On Glee, Kurt is elected prom queen as a cruel practical joke by his perhaps-not-so-enlightened classmates. He runs out of the gymnasium in tears. After composing himself, though, he marches back onstage to get his crown. As Principal Figgins crowns him, Kurt breaks the silence and proudly proclaims, "Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton." We're still suffering from Royal Wedding overload, but Kurt can be our queen any day.
7. Weirdest Death: In the fittingly titled "Swan Song," NCIS' Leroy Jethro Gibbs loses one of his closest friends at the hands of the Port-to-Port Killer. Gibbs spends most of the episode talking to a body bag, while also relaying to his mentor, Mike Franks (guest star Muse Watson), just how the team learned that Lt. Jonas Cobb (Kerr Smith) is the P2P killer. But when Mike finds Cobb lurking outside Gibbs' house, it's revealed that Mike is, in fact, Cobb's latest victim — the corpse in the body bag all along. We're sure Gibbs talking to a ghost is just the tip of the iceberg of his grieving process.
6. Saddest Farewell?: Pierce (Chevy Chase) secures a much-needed victory in Community's paintball-splattered season finale — and saves the Greendale Human Beings in the process! The study group sheepishly invites him to rejoin. But surprisingly, he turns them down. "No, thanks. I'm done with you guys," he sighs. "I like this school, but I'm done with whatever you guys call this." The group calls his bluff and doesn't go after him, thinking he's out for unearned sympathy. But then... he doesn't come back. Is Pierce/Chase transferring out of Greendale/Community?
5. Most Confusing Cliff-Hanger: We'll be thinking about this one all summer. In the last scene of Fringe's paradigm-shifting finale, time traveler Peter Bishop returns to Liberty Island in 2011 (simultaneously in both universes!) and tells Walter, Walternate, Olivia and Bolivia that he knows how to save both worlds to avoid the apocalyptic future he's witnessed. But before we get the answer, he literally disappears into thin air. But instead of appearing shocked, his fathers and lovers have no perceptible reaction. Outside, one Observer says to another: "You're right. They don't remember him." "How could they?" asks the other. "He never existed. He served his purpose." Come again? Thank God Fox renewed the show!
4. Wax On, Wax Off Award: Rivaling Steve Carell for the most cringe-worthy wax job committed to film, Zev and Justin — the most follically blessed of the final four on The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business — scream, cry and scream some more through a brutal 15-minute waxing task that makes us question the price of beauty. They get extra props for having the presence of mind to quote The 40-Year-Old Virgin ("Kelly Clarkson!" "Oh, no, not the nipple."), given how sadistically their technicians are about ripping off their hair, prompting a defeated Zev to order: "Just do it already!" That's what she said.
3. Worst Breakup Ever: Alicia's nasty split from Peter after years of marriage and two children can't hold a candle to the emotional wreckage that is her parting with her best friend Kalinda on The Good Wife. "You slept with my husband. You do not say anything after that," Alicia says, demanding Kalinda avoid her at all costs. The normally tough-as-nails Kalinda runs to the elevator, alone, and sobs. Kalinda! Sobs! And so do we.
2. Best Lip Service: American Idol viewers have been scratching their heads about the odd manner in which Scotty McCreery holds his microphone (like a flute?) since the top 13 was revealed. But leave it to Lady Gaga to find the most outrageous way to get the 17-year-old to correct his posture. "That's your girlfriend, and she says to you, 'If you don't stick your tongue down my throat, we're through,'" she says, before telling conservative Scotty to "make love to the microphone." In response, Scotty feels the need to kiss his cross, which brings to mind a so-wrong-it's-right McCreery cameo in Gaga's "Judas" video.
1. The Kiss Heard Round the World Award: Although the Vampire Diaries killed off another character and left us with a million questions, at least one moment has us giddy with satisfaction. As Damon lies on his deathbed, finally receiving Elena's forgiveness, he jokes that she should've met him in 1864, because she would've liked him. Elena responds that she likes him now, just the way he is, and then gives him a soft, albeit short kiss. [Insert the sound of 2 million emo hearts bursting with glee here.]