Television is rife with ethically dubious characters. This week a bunch of them made us laugh, cry and cheer their misdeeds. Gossip Girl's Little J set her sights on her stepsister's boyfriend, Southland's Detective Bryant saw a young mentee become a murderer, Jesse exacted delicious revenge on his already exhausted parents on Breaking Bad, and Anna, V's alien den mother, followed up some really weird sex with a little cannibalism. Welcome to Top Moments: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Edition.
11. Best Cliff-hanger: Caprica's mid-season finale reveals that Zoe the Robot Dead Girl is on the run! After learning that her father, Daniel Graystone, plans to remove her consciousness from its Cylon body for eventual destruction, Zoe high-tails it out the door to join her Soldiers of the One cohorts in Gemenon. She kills her charming suitor, Philomon, along the way. It's unclear how the giant robot — essentially a giant pile of steel — will escape, given the massive roadblock she faces as the episode ends. But is it weird that we're kind of rooting for her?
10. Best Femme Fatale-in-Training: Our Little J is all growed up! In this week's Gossip Girl, a drugged Jenny Humphrey narrowly avoids a date rape with the help of a surprising rescuer: Nate Archibald (aka Serena's true love... this week). They've always been fond of each other, but Nate's protective overture raises visions of boyfriend-stealing in Little J's ethically complicated, peroxide compromised noggin. If Jenny's pathetic Internet stalking is any indication, Serena should prepare for the worst.
9. Best Intro: Fringe returns from a too-long hiatus with "Peter," a blockbuster episode that flashes back to 1985 to explain how the younger Bishop came to be both dead and not so. In keeping with the show's totally tubular setting, those cheeky monkeys at J.J. Abrams' Bad Robot Productions reimagine the show's opening credits, theme song and title cards as if they had been created 25 years ago. The overall effect is subtly wry and eerily accurate. (See the results for yourself.)
8. Most Shocking Exit, Part I: Darryl Strawberry tells Donald Trump to fire him instead of project manager Michael Johnson on Sunday's Celebrity Apprentice. The four-time World Series champ chalks it up to exhaustion after a busy year, and in the process becomes only the third person to quit The Apprentice.
7. Biggest Loser (no, seriously): We're constantly amazed at the success of Biggest Loser contestants, but this week's episode flabbergasts us with a live weigh-in of super-fan Wayne Vandenlangenberg, who weighed more than 600 pounds just two years ago. By changing his diet and walking a lot, he lost 418 pounds, all on his own.
6. Most Heart-Wrenching Turn: Southland's Detective Sammy Bryant arrests Casper, a young informant to whom Sammy has grown attached, after he kills another teenager defending himself in a neighborhood attack. Sammy, who spends the episode trying to get Casper off the streets and into the LAPD's Explorers program, sobs as he hugs, then handcuffs Casper in one of the brutal show's most moving scenes yet.
5. Most Shocking Exit, Part II: Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains loses one of its most prolific players Thursday when newbie Russell Hantz organizes a group vote against veteran "Boston Rob" Mariano. Given that he's one of the tribe's strongest physical competitors, the game's best puzzle solver and a natural camp leader, we think his teammates will miss him a lot sooner than they expect. And not just because of that unmistakable accent.
4. Sweetest Revenge: On Breaking Bad, Jesse, fresh out of rehab, uses the windfall from Walt's big meth sale to make a real estate investment — with a little help from everyone's favorite "criminal lawyer." When Jesse learns that his parents are selling the house they once kicked him out of, he hires Saul to talk them into lowering their asking price. How does he do it? By reminding them that their basement used to house Jesse's meth lab. And that they may be breaking the law by not disclosing it. Trying to get back at your parents in a big way? Better call Saul.
3. Worst Tantrum: Kate Gosselin brings unnecessary yet predictable drama to Dancing with the Stars by hassling her good-natured partner, Tony Dovolani, over his teaching skills — to his breaking point. "I quit," he says, clearly no longer wanting to dance through the pain. He walks out of rehearsal, leaving her in tears. Of course, he comes back and apologizes. "A lot of people quit on me in life," Kate weeps. Or at least they try to.
2. Best Return: "The Package" is an episode of Lost about Jin and Sun, but ultimately its namesake is not a what, but a who: A woozy, drugged-up Desmond Hume has been forcibly relocated to the island, brutha, and Charles Widmore seems to think he has a prominent role to play in its endgame. We always knew, as Mrs. Hawking warned, that the island wasn't done with Des. But it's a great surprise to see him so surprisingly thrown back into the fray. He'll always be our constant.
1. Most Consuming Sex Scene: Now that the resistance is getting its act together on V, Anna decides it's high time to create a Visitor army of her own. After hand-picking a suitor, she turns on the fog machine, slips into a Victoria's Secret robe and proceeds to engage in a sexual coupling so oddly choreographed it's like you're 12 again sneaking a peek at Cinemax. Eight seconds later, after declaring herself pregnant ("my army is to be born"), her fertilized eggs need nourishment. So she unhinges her jaw, exposes her true, lizard self — fangs and all — and devours her unwitting inseminator.