Our top moments of the week:
15. Tackiest Move: After Andy Dick's earnestly charming debut dance on Dancing with the Stars, Brooke Burke-Charvet bursts the positive-energy bubble in the room by abruptly and awkwardly asking Dick about being a recovering addict. "Is there a part of you that's concerned, considering that you're a recovering addict, of the pressure that the show puts on everyone?" she asks. "Uh, OK, so you went there," Dick replies, before deftly answering the question. Time and place, Brooke, time and place.
14. Best Baby Jessica Impression: Danny has to fight for Alex on The Mindy Project when both he and Jeremy become smitten with Mindy's friend. Unfortunately, Danny becomes so preoccupied with trying to one-up ladies' man Jeremy that he doesn't look where he's walking and falls into a manhole. Let's hope she's into that whole
damsel dude in distress thing.
13. Biggest Splash: How many people does it take to get Louie Anderson out of the pool? Three. The comedian — all 400-plus pounds of him — suffers a "humiliating" mishap during training on Splash when he cannot pull himself out of the pool on his own. (Um, why don't you just use the ladder?) Coach Greg Louganis and co-star Ndamukong Suh give him a hand, but still cannot lift him out. "I play professional football in the NFL and it was still taxing for me to pull Louie out of the pool," Suh says. Finally, Louganis gets into the water to push him up, while two other people pull him out. But Louie makes a big, uh, splash during the competition: He dives off the 23-foot platform and receives the second-highest score of the night. No word if anyone had to help him out of the pool.
12. The Naked Truth Award: Good Morning America weatherman Sam Champion is, first and foremost, a professional. So when he accidentally says, "That's the weather around the naked" instead of "That's the weather around the nation," he quickly tries to move on without drawing attention to his PG-13 gaffe. Too bad his colleagues get no such memo, and are heard howling off-screen for long enough to make Champion break into uncontrollable giggles as he starts to blush. Now that would be one heck of a wake-up call!
11. Creepiest Homage: Bates Motel could hardly call itself a Psycho prequel/homage without at least one pivotal scene taking place in a bathtub, could it? Fortunately, the show is up to the challenge when, after Norma Bates murders the former owner of her new house and motel after he attacks and rapes her, she and her son Norman hide the body in one of the motel room's tubs. Things get tense, however, when the local sheriff stops by and, while looking the place over, unknowingly takes a tinkle in the toilet right next to the hidden body. If his detective skills don't improve — or actually, even if they do — his career might be going down the drain.
10. Deadliest Pillow Talk: Jacob and Paul finally turn up again on The Following, but only one of them makes it out of the episode alive. Paul has contracted sepsis and rather than go to a hospital (and thus turn himself in), he — yawn! — wants his life to have meaning, so he tells Jacob to kill him. Jacob is hesitant, but Paul reminds him that he "owes" him for covering up the fact that Jacob has never killed anyone. "You can do this. I love you," he says, as Jacob reluctantly smothers him with a pillow for his first kill. RIP, Paul and kinky shower threesomes.
9. What's in the Box Award: What's in the trunk?! After a potentially huge reveal — is Alison really alive? — Pretty Little Liars finds a major way to leave us hanging. Whatever is left for the Liars in Wilden's trunk is horrifying enough to shock even Mona. So what could it be? And do we seriously have to wait until next season to find out?
8. Worst Chain Gang: After The Governor only threatened sexual assault on Maggie earlier this season on The Walking Dead, we assumed that the AMC series would soften the most sadistic part of the comics, in which he repeatedly rapes and tortures Michonne while she's chained up. Alas, after the vengeful leader of Woodbury preps that familiar room, the only difference is that it's Andrea who's bound and gagged, not Michonne.
7. Best Beatdown: On Justified, Raylan and the Marshals try their darndest to get Drew Thompson out of Harlan County before the Detroit mob can kill him. Although Raylan has plenty of tense showdowns with Boyd and the mobsters, the episode's bravest soldier has to be Patton Oswalt's Constable Bob. After spending most of the season talking about how tough he is, he proves it when he refuses to give up Drew's location despite an agonizing beating (to the strains of "Love Train," no less). Bob was at his best when offering clueless, punny responses to his torturer's questions about Drew's whereabouts. The best one? "Drewbacca?!" We hope he's a character in the new Star Wars reboot.
6. Most Shocking Choice: La Toya Jackson insists all episode long on Celebrity Apprentice that she would bring back Omarosa — who ditched part of the challenge because of an emergency regarding her late fiancé Michael Clarke Duncan — to the boardroom if they lose. But she surprisingly brings back Brande Roderick and Dennis Rodman instead. Stunned, Donald Trump suggests that La Toya is afraid of Omarosa. La Toya denies it, saying that she thought The Donald was falling for Omarosa crying over Duncan. "I didn't buy it. ... [There were] no tears," Trump says. "You made a terrible choice when you didn't bring back Omarosa because I think I probably would've fired Omarosa. La Toya, you're fired." Dumb move, La Toya, but nice final zinger: "Omarosa is the most evil person I have ever met. She's no good, conniving, scheming, cutthroat, probably pulled the plug on Michael."
5. Surf's Up Award: After their passionate kiss a few weeks ago, things start to really heat up between Jess and Nick on New Girl when Jess reveals that she has feelings for him and wants to get in his, ahem, pants. The two kiss again and start really going at it, but right when it looks like they are about to take things to the next level, Nick kills the mood in one fell swoop when he accidentally hits Schmidt's giant aquarium and sends gallons of water, and tons of fish, flying into the air. Oh well, there are plenty of fish... on the floor.
4. Cry Me a River Award: While Justin Bieber is having fainting spells and shirtless Twitter meltdowns, his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez is happily single — and quick-witted. During her appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman, the host recalls an incident with Bieber on his show. "Now, the last time he was on, he and I got into a conversation and he said something and I said something, and then he said something and I said something, and I made him cry," Letterman says. "Well then, that makes two of us," Gomez quips. How good was that burn? Dave even gives her a fist bump. Oh, and don't worry about The Biebs — he's keeping it positive.
3. Worst About-Face(time): After spending all season getting over Hannah on Girls, Adam literally comes to her rescue in the Season 2 finale. When Hannah FaceTimes him in the midst of a deadline crisis and shows signs of her crippling OCD, Adam runs through the streets of Brooklyn bare-chested, all the while assuring Hannah on the other end of the phone that he is coming to help her. Because it's Girls, when Adam arrives, Hannah no longer wants to see Adam, so he breaks into her apartment (for the second time this season). But this time, Hannah doesn't call the cops — she simply lets Adam scoop her up into his arms and kisses him. Throw in some dancing mice and you've got a real fairy-tale ending!
2. Best Resurrection: Though she claimed she "lost it" at the Golden Globes, Tina Fey can still do her Sarah Palin impersonation. At James Lipton's request on Inside the Actors Studio, Fey mines more comic gold from her famous impression by answering a bunch of questions in character. What are "Palin"'s thoughts on gun control? "Ya know, Jimmy, I believe that if everybody had guns, then there would be fewer guns in the stores," Fey says. How does she feel about gay marriage? "A lot of the amazing, wonderful people I met in the audience at Dancing with the Stars seem to go that way. But no," she quips. "Marriage is meant for people who wear different kinds of swimsuits." Does Fey still got it? You betcha!
1. Best Delivery: When police officer and former colleague Brian Cassidy is accused of rape on Law & Order: SVU, Munch and Amaro immediately head to Cassidy's apartment to break the bad news to him. But it's Amaro and Munch who get the big surprise when they glance into Cassidy's apartment and find Olivia walking out in not much more than Cassidy's checkered shirt — the same one her mystery man was wearing on their holiday vacation — thinking it's the delivery guy. Pad Thai, anyone?
What were your top moments?