Our top moments of the week:
15. Oddest Return: Jerry Seinfeld has kept plenty busy since the end of his TV show in 1998. However, it's still a little odd to see him return to stand-up on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno basically doing the same comedy he's been doing his whole career with some minor chronologically required updates (America's obesity problem! Push-up bras!). Aren't there struggling up-and-coming stand-up comics who need his coveted spot more? Also, isn't this precisely why the Seinfeld Today Twitter handle exists?
14. Most Bizarre Bridezilla: 90210 pays tribute to The Hangover, but the big reveal doesn't even come close to the original. After a crazy night out drinking, Naomi wakes up and realizes that she tied the knot. Too bad she doesn't know to whom! After spending the day backtracking their steps from the night before, Naomi finally finds out who she married: herself. What? She couldn't just throw herself a bridal shower or a bachelorette party and call it a day? When Kelly on the original Beverly Hills 90210 said, "I choose me," she didn't mean it literally!
13. Grossest Proposition: Gilbert Gottfried is known for taking things a little too far (see: why he's no longer the voice of the Aflac duck) and he doesn't hold back when he and Alan Thicke trade spouses on Celebrity Wife Swap. Surprisingly, or not, the comedian announces that he's ready to have sex with another woman and then tries to proposition Mrs. Thicke into some sexy time since it is, after all, a swap. "I don't think it's that kind of swap," she quickly explains. Good, because we don't know anyone that would want to see that, let alone film that.
12. Saddest Departure: When a drunk Regina comes knocking on Angelo's door in the middle of the night on Switched at Birth, he takes matters into his own hands and signs her up for rehab... in Minnesota, aka hundreds of miles away from her daughter Daphne. As Regina gets ready to head out, she breaks the bad news to Daphne that they won't be able to text or e-mail, which sets off Daphne who tearfully apologizes for being distant from her mom and driving her to drink. Regina owns up to her own bad decisions and hugs Daphne goodbye.
11. The Price of Beauty Award: If you thought the Kardashians couldn't get more ridiculous, you're bloody wrong. While Scott was busy reducing Kourtney to tears on Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, youth-obsessed Kim tries something that sounds more apt for The Vampire Diaries: a blood facial. Doctors draw blood from her arm, spin out the platelets and smear it on her face with acupuncture-like needles. "It hurts so bad!" she whines. Beauty takes pain, Kim. And apparently $1,500.
10. Best Impromptu Performance: Thanks to Glee, Nashville and Smash, we're more than used to seeing TV characters break out into song. But on a legal drama? Not so much. (Well, except for you, Eli Stone.) As Will and Diane engage in a serious conversation about expanding the firm on The Good Wife — and how the "family is growing" — Will decides to lighten the mood by bursting into song with the Growing Pains theme. Um, is the cast now taking requests? Because Alan Cumming or Christine Baranski performing some of the Full House theme sounds divine.
9. Best New Feud: You got to give it to Brandi Glanville — she knows how to keep herself relevant! When she stops by Watch What Happens: Live, Andy Cohen, of course, grills her yet again about her longtime enemy LeAnn Rimes. Instead of saying more bad things about her ex-husband's new wife, Brandi picks a new target and tells Chelsea Handler to "suck it." She goes on to call Handler's appearance on WWHL "horrible" and "completely awkward" before explaining just how the feud began. "I made out with her lesbian, her assistant and her brother. So she hates me." Drinking game alert! Every time someone says "hate," take a... oh, you know the rest.
8. Best Name Change: All this time, the doctors on Grey's Anatomy have been attempting to save the hospital, but they lost sight of the heart and soul of why they were fighting so hard. That's why it's that much sweeter when Jackson proposes that they change the name of Seattle Grace to the Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital to honor their fallen comrades Lexie Grey and Mark Sloan. Excuse us while we bawl our eyes out. R.I.P. Sniff!
7. Tardy for the Party Award: The show will go on... without all the judges! On the first live performance featuring the Top 10 American Idol finalists, the show opens with one judge short because Nicki Minaj is stuck in traffic. "Which one of you gave Nicki the wrong directions today?" host Ryan Seacrest jokingly asks. "Which one of you drained the fuel from her car?" Thirteen minutes later, and well after the first contestant has performed, Minaj strolls in wearing a hoodie and sunglasses. Is "traffic" code for too much partying the night before?
6. Dumbest (Non)-Gameplay: Being "strategic" with the Express Pass on The Amazing Race comes back to bite Jessica and John in the butt. Despite being in the back of the pack, struggling with challenges and having multiple chances use the bail-out pass to skip a task, they inexplicably never do so, and thus become the first team to get eliminated while holding an Express Pass. And yet, the ego-bruised John is still too proud to admit that they made a huge boo-boo and tells Phil Keoghan that he has "absolutely zero regret" and that he and Jessica don't "need $1 million." Keoghan's response? A deadpan "Oy vey."
5. Loyalty Never Dies Award: Just how devoted are Joe Carroll's acolytes on The Following? So much so that they are willing to sacrifice themselves at his altar. After failing twice to retrieve Joe's wife Claire, Charlie tearfully tells his master in front of Emma, Roderick and Louise that he can't live with those failures and wants his "life to matter." "This is my gift. My apology," he says, handing Joe a knife while standing on plastic sheeting that Louise just happened to have handy. "You will always matter," Joe whispers as he embraces Charlie before gutting him. It's a creepy and apparently erotic scene since it serves as the ultimate aphrodisiac for the kinky Joe and trio of onlookers who get their swerve on in the aftermath. Wait a second-- Why is dying easier than just trying again? Sorry, Charlie, but that's just plain lazy.
4. Unsexiest Sex Scene: On Girls, Adam's seemingly too-good-to-last relationship with Shiri Appleby's Natalia indeed crashes and burns after Adam runs into a (pantsless!) Hannah outside Natalia's friend's engagement party. Although Hannah and Adam's awkward conversation is brief, it has lasting impact as Adam, an AA member, chugs a few cocktails before taking Natalia to his place. Once there, Adam goes into self-destruct mode and attempts to scare Natalia away by commanding her to get on all fours and crawl to the bedroom, where they have quick, uncomfortable sex. Ultimately Adam, no doubt inspired by his favorite porn stars, um, climaxes on Natalia's chest, to which she replies, "I, like, really didn't like that." You said it, sister.
3. Most Moving Goodbye: After launching a whole new "Who shot J.R.?" mystery at the end of last week's episode, Dallas pays fitting tribute to the late J.R. Ewing — and effectively the late Larry Hagman — with a tearful funeral that sees Sue Ellen accept his invitation for a date from whom she calls "the love of her life," and Bobby expresses how lost he feels without his devious brother. However, the best tribute to the nefarious J.R. is in the episode's final moments, when an investigator reveals to Bobby, John Ross and Christopher a whole slew of files and leads J.R. had put together in case he should die. A true master manipulator — even in death. R.I.P., J.R. — and Larry.
2. Up in Arms Award: It's Timberweek on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake is game for anything — from a barbershop quintet performance of "SexyBack" to row, row, rowing his boat with Michael McDonald to... acting with mannequin arms. The Late Night musician-in-residence teams up with Steve Carell and Fallon for the fake Canadian soap opera Jacob's Patience, in which he and Carell play armless menswear shop owners Parvis and Lumberpond, who help Fallon buy a — what else? — suit and tie. The stupidly hilarious sketch is a riot from beginning to end, but nothing tops JT nearly losing it at the mention of his former 'N Sync-ers. "Over there we have Joseph Fatone-ays," Carell points out. "Quite special. And over here is a Lance Bass." "It looks like a nice suit," Fallon says. "It's been in the closet for years," Carell quips. "I finally decided to take it out." Let's all give them a hand, er, hands!
1. Biggest Meltdown: In what will go down as one of the most memorable Survivor episodes in the show's 26 seasons, Brandon Hantz has an epic meltdown that's actually pretty disturbing. What starts as a snippy feud between Hantz and his fellow Favorites tribe member Phillip Shepard quickly escalates into a full-on psychological break for Brandon, culminating in him dumping his team's food supply into the sand. The result? The Favorites decide to forfeit the next immunity challenge so that they would be forced to vote one member (Brandon) out — but with Hantz and Shepard nearly coming to blows at the challenge itself, host Jeff Probst holds the vote right then and there and sends Brandon on his way.
What were your top moments?