Our top moments of the week:
13. Best Honesty, Part I: When Zoe Saldana stops by Jimmy Kimmel Live!, she isn't afraid to reveal why she's talking more slowly than usual — because she's really hungover! Saldana explains that she drank eight or nine glasses of wine with her Star Trek cast after the film's Mexico premiere and ate huevos rancheros at 4:30 a.m. before (almost) vomiting at the airport. "I don't know what time it is right now," she says. "Literally, I don't." Um, it is obviously party time.
12. Worst Callback: After Juliette's sober companion-turned-boyfriend-turned-manager Dante mysteriously leaves town with hundreds of thousands of her money on Nashville, the last thing she wants is to hear from him again. However, after using her money to buy another woman a diamond ring, Dante calls Juliette with — believe it or not — more bad news. "What tape?" Juliette asks him in the episode's closing moments. Um, we're guessing he's not talking about the scotch variety.
11. Weirdest Outburst: The
peanut gallery judges bickering on Dancing with the Stars is par for the course, but it's a different story when Len Goodman ruthlessly lashes out at Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough for their trio paso doble, provoking Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli, who love the literal smoke and mirrors routine. The three get into a heated shouting match that culminates with Len snapping at Bruno: "You can't talk unless you stand up 'cause your vocal cords are stuck up your ass!" Leave it to Tom Bergeron to sum it up best: "I don't know you anymore," he deadpans to Len.
10. Another One Bites the Dust Award: On The Vampire Diaries, before Bonnie has to close the veil to the other side, she wants to perform one more spell to try and bring Jeremy back to life. Unfortunately, the magic is once again too much for her to handle — and this time, it appears it finally does her in. But is she really dead?
9. Best Hazing: After Mindy breaks up with Pastor Casey on The Mindy Project, she does what any other grown woman would do: attends a frat party. She winds up bumping into her ex-boyfriend, Tom (Bill Hader), who asks her to come home with him. A drunk Pastor Casey catches the two of them talking and punches Tom for trying to sleep with his girlfriend. An all-out fight breaks out, during which Tom smashes Casey's face into a foosball table, Casey uses a handy stripper pole as leverage to swing around and kick Tom in the face, and Tom even draws a Hitler mustache on Casey while pinning him down. Apparently, going back to school isn't always a good idea.
8. Déjà Vu Award: How I Met Your Mother digs up the past, literally and figuratively, when Robin searches for a locket she buried in Central Park when she was a kid, believing that would be a sign that she should marry Barney. The jewelry box is empty, and Ted, Mr. Everything Is a Sign himself, tries to mollify Robin's cold feet by telling her that perhaps his romanticized beliefs were wrong. "Maybe we don't need the universe to tell us what we really want," he says. "Maybe we already know that deep down." And right on cue, Robin grabs his hand and they exchange a meaningful look. Are we seriously back here again, guys?
7. Deadliest Sacrifice: Once Upon a Time takes a shocking turn by apparently killing off Neal, who had only recently been revealed to be both Gold's son and Henry's father. After Neal discovers that his fiancée Tamara is actually one of the bad guys, she shoots him and opens up a portal to aid her escape. That, however, leads to the wounded Neal falling in after sacrificing himself for Emma. We hate the price of magic, dammit!
6. Worst Twist: The not-so-subtle flirting from hot visiting doc Lauren (Hilarie Burton) on Grey's Anatomy goes much further than expected when Arizona shows her to an on-call room and the power goes out. It turns into a hot makeout session, which, in our books still qualifies as Arizona cheating on her wife Callie with whom she has a child! What the hell, Shonda Rhimes?!
5. Geekiest Love Spell: When The Big Bang Theory's Penny jokes about Sheldon's and Amy's Dungeons & Dragons characters having sex since "it won't happen any time soon" in real life, Amy gets upset and retreats to Sheldon's room. She asks her socially awkward beau if they'll ever have an intimate relationship. "Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone," Sheldon says. "[And now] I have not ruled it out. ... For me, what we have is extremely intimate." "I guess I know that. It's just part of me wants more," she replies. And he'll give her more: They do it the only way they know how — via their D&D characters and the nerdiest foreplay ever. Bazinga!
4. Most Overdue Reveal: After four seasons, The Mentalist's Patrick Jane finally knows who Red John is. Or at least he knows seven people who could be his serial-killing nemesis. (See the full list of suspects here.) Of course, the game doesn't end there: Red John once again proves he has the upper hand by revealing, via a video message recorded by the now-dead Lorelei Martins weeks prior, the exact seven names Jane would end up with and vowing to begin killing again until Jane figures it out. Given Red John's seemingly psychic powers, we're not sure Jane will ever find his man.
3. Best Merger and Acquisition: Mad Men finally raises the stakes this season with a major game-changing move, not to mention a genius way to bring Peggy back into the fold. Hours before Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce's and Cutler Gleason and Chaough's presentations to Chevy, Don and Ted lament the disadvantage their tiny firms have against Madison Avenue's top tycoons. "This business is rigged," Don says. After sharing their pitches with each other, Don makes an offer that Ted can't refuse: "Hey, Lieutenant, want to get into some trouble?" Yup, SCDP and CGC are merging! They make their Chevy pitch together and land the account. We'll drink to that!
2. Funniest Fakers: Ashlee Simpson can only wish she could lip-sync this well. On Late Night, John Krasinski and Jimmy Fallon play our new favorite game: a Lip-Sync-Off! After some light first performances to Melissa Manchester's "Don't Cry Out Loud" and Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream," things get increasingly intense with tons of hilarious pantomiming, melodramatic emoting (so many feelings!) and a fake-out mic drop. JKras wraps it up with a sexy take on Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You" and yes, he does take off his clothes. (Well, some of them.) Seriously, just watch the whole thing.
1. Best Twist: In just two short seasons, Scandal has shocked us with the President's affair, an assassination attempt, a rigged election and a president-turned-murderer, but none of that compares with the reveal of the mole. Presumed dead since the Season 1 finale, former vice presidential Chief of Staff Billy Chambers is revealed to not only be alive, but the Albatross. And if that revelation wasn't not enough, it turns out that he's also working with new Gladiator David Rosen! Head. Exploding.
What were your top moments?