Our top moments of the week:
15. Orange You Glad You Did This? Award: Now that Anderson Cooper has come out of the closet about his admiration for Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, it's only fitting that they go out on a proper date. On his new daytime talk show, the Jersey Shore star takes Cooper for his first spray tan. "I had no idea that Mr. Anderstand had muscles," Snooki says, as a sheepish, shirtless Cooper undergoes the process. "So when he took off his shirt, he had, like, a huge peanut muscle. Cool." Cooper, at least, seems pleased with the results: "Wow! I've never had a tan line like that." Does anyone speak Guidette? Please tell us that a "peanut muscle" isn't what we think it is.
14. Best Save: Al Gore makes a big no-no when he refers to Stephen Colbert's uber-conservative TV host alter-ego as "your character" while appearing on The Colbert Report. Yes, everyone knows deep down that Colbert isn't really like his truthiness-loving persona, but he refuses to break. "I forgot for a moment; I'm so sorry," Gore explains. "You forgot what? You have completely lost me!" Colbert exclaims, before putting air quotes around Al Gore's name and bidding him adieu.
13. Least Self-Aware Reality Show Contestant (a highly competitive category): Look, we all find overconfident reality-show contestants infinitely entertaining, but when it crosses over into the delusional, a line must be drawn (see No. 11). On the Big Brother finale, Adam is peeved that Rachel took Porsche instead of him to the final two, but tells Julie Chen that the fiery redhead, who eventually won, made the right choice for herself. "If I was in the final two, I would've won," he says emphatically. For what exactly? Being useless in practically every single challenge? Ambling through the whole season without any game plan whatsoever? Shaving your beard? Knowing 90210 trivia? In that case, yes, Adam, yes, you definitely would've won.
12. Up in Smoke Award: Naomi throws a raging house party at her new pad on 90210, but unfortunately her neighbors aren't down to "Party Rock" and call the cops on her. When the police arrive, Naomi does her best to hide the pot growing in the backyard (from the previous owners, duh), but ends up making her contraband that much more obvious when she throws it into the fire pit. The smell travels quickly and Naomi is swiftly arrested for narcotics possession. Here's hoping the CU sororities have a loose policy on priors.
11. Most Long-Awaited Finale: Kate Gosselin bids adieu to reality TV on the series finale of Kate Plus 8 — for now. Insisting that we haven't seen the last of her, the spotlight-hungry mother not so much predicts, but assures that "the future holds TV for me." "TV, media, all makes sense to me now, so I would love to continue forward in whatever capacity suits me," she says. So yeah, she still believes that celebrity is her saving grace. Sigh. Please just leave your kids out of it next time.
10. Worst Party Favor: As a recovering alcoholic, Alex knows better than to put himself in a bad situation and tag along with Haddie to a high school kegger on Parenthood. Too bad Haddie doesn't know when to say when and forgets that Alex is coming to pick her up. He tries his best to extract her from the party, but when she drunkenly refuses, an equally drunken classmate steps in and gets in Alex's face. Alex decks him and is taken away handcuffed in the back of a cruiser. How long before Haddie finds out that Alex has a criminal record?
9. Best Goodbye: Frank tries to make an honest woman out of his prostitute girlfriend Roxy on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, but just as she is about to respond to his marriage proposal, she drops dead. Frank's deranged last words are actually heartwarming: "You serviced me like no other whore ever did. Not only my crank, but my heart," he tells her. Then the gang unceremoniously dumps her body in the hallway. Imagine if Pretty Woman ended this way!
8. Juiciest Twist: We still don't know who the leak is on The Closer, but for now, Brenda has bigger fish to fry. Her celebration of the Tyrell Baylor civil case dismissal is cut short when Peter Goldman (guest star Curtis Armstrong) shows up with a box of her past cases, claiming that each one of them proves she has put people and suspects in danger or wronged them in some way. (That probably includes the suspect who just killed himself in the interrogation room.) As Goldman walks out, he announces that he has just filed a federal case against Brenda.
7. Best Excuse: It's always disappointing to find out your favorite celeb isn't as nice as they seem. Case in point: the fictionalized Michael J. Fox who appears on Curb Your Enthusiasm. After Larry gets off on an ambiguous, head-shaking foot with Fox by drawing a Hitler mustache on his father-in-law's face in a magazine, Larry is convinced the beloved actor is using Parkinson's disease as a cover for the bully he truly is when a soda Fox shook up explodes in his face. "It's all Parkinson's, Larry," Fox says. "It's all Parkinson's." Whether it is or not, you've got to give Fox credit for always being such a good sport.
6. Bloodiest Brawl: Walt and Jesse's tense détente reaches a breaking point on Breaking Bad when Walt learns that Jesse did meet with Gus and Walt knows this because he bugged Jesse's car. Both angry and insulted, they duke it out in a clumsy, ugly fistfight in Jesse's house. There's blood and broken furniture, but none of the damage is as great as what's done to their formerly productive relationship. "Can you walk?" Jesse asks. "Yeah," Walt replies. "Then get the f--- out of here and never come back."
5. Worst Parting Shot: Out of all the implausible things that go down in the Entourage series finale (Vince getting engaged, Sloan and Eric's reconciliation), nothing is as galling as the sight of beastly workaholic Ari Gold having an epiphany after listening to some wussy fake opera and deciding to quit his job to win his wife back. A promising epilogue, the presumed set-up for an Entourage feature film, finds Ari mulling an offer to become the CEO of a major media company, but come on, who's going to pay money to see that movie? (Fine. Us.)
4. Best Hookup: On the season premiere of The Vampire Diaries, Tyler and Caroline add "benefits" to their friendship after a summer of roiling sexual tension. Tyler, not one to beat around the bush, lays it on the line. "I'm horny all the time," he says, a sentiment to which Caroline can apparently relate. The result: some extremely hot vampire-werewolf sex.
3. Least Effective Cliff-Hanger: On the season finale of True Blood, Tara yet again finds herself in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just as Debbie storms Sookie's kitchen with a shotgun, intent on eliminating Sookie's potent threat to her relationship with Alcide, Tara pushes Sookie out of the way and takes the bullet, right to the temple. This was shocking stuff for fans of the show, and speculating on Tara's future (Was she really dead-dead and off the show?!?) was kind of an exquisite torture — that is, until Monday, when Rutina Wesley, the actress who plays Tara, revealed in interviews that she'd be returning to the show next season. Well, we can always hope that maybe she'll be turned — that, at least, would be a worthy twist.
2. Worst Blindsiding: On the Bachelor Pad finale, ex-fiances Holly and Michael claim the $250,000 prize. But moments before announcing whether they'd share the money, Michael learns that Holly just got engaged to fellow contestant Blake. (Stay classy, ABC!) A gobsmacked Michael still chooses to share the money with Holly, making him not only a little richer, but quite possibly the classiest, most forgiving guy on the planet.
1. Most Spectacular Fail: We like Ringer — really, we do. But couldn't CBS (who green-lit the series) and the CW (who aired it) have shelled out a little more in their efforts to realistically double Sarah Michelle Gellar? In an unintentionally hilarious speedboat scene, a really obvious green-screen effect distracts us from what is written as a fairly sweet scene between the sisters. There were weird cutaways, awkward hugs and a particularly ungraceful head-to-shoulder lean — the latter of which was, thankfully, dropped from the final cut. We're going to assume it was a campy homage because it was a dead ringer for the Hitchcockian noir films of the 1950s. For future reference, though, 60 years have elapsed, it's time to step up the game.
What were your top moments?