Our top moments of the week:
14. Family Doesn't Know Best Award: On The Bachelor's hometown dates, things were going well for Desiree until her brother spoke up. After he tells Sean that he's a playboy, not right for his sister, and acts like an all-around jerk, Des gets the boot. Lesson learned: If she's the next Bachelorette, keep her bro far away from the dudes.
13. Not Too Legit to Quit Award: Not one, not two, but three teams quit a Roadblock on The Amazing Race premiere so they can start the final task, canoeing to the Pit Stop, on even ground after they fail to find a clue underneath 400 sand castles. Firefighters Matt and Daniel boast about their chances canoeing, but their perceived and literal strength turns out to be their Achilles' heel: Their heavy weight causes the boat to tip over twice and they get eliminated. See? Quitters never win.
12. Worst Gold Digging: On Suburgatory, Mr. Wolfe worries that his longtime partner Chef Alan is sleeping with his ex. So when Tessa overhears something between Chef Alan and the other man about an Oscar party, Mr. Wolfe goes to investigate and thankfully, just finds his love sitting on the couch watching red carpet coverage. However, he and Tessa quickly notice gold smeared all around Chef Alan's mouth right when his ex-now-current-lover walks into the room completely nude and covered from head-to-toe in gold paint. Well, at least now we know who will definitely be getting worst dressed!
11. Most Heartbreaking Loss: Just as Southland's Lydia gets her groove back after giving birth, she's dealt a crushing blow. After successfully cracking her case, Lydia heads out to party, relishing a night away from taking care of her newborn. But the party comes to a crashing halt when her partner shows up with bad news. She rushes home just in time to see paramedics removing her mother's dead body from the house. As she tries to wrap her head around the unexpected loss, she's handed her baby, which Lydia and the audience both know she's unprepared to raise alone.
10. Best Campaigning: If Lincoln ever gets adapted for the Great White Way, we know exactly who should star in it. No, not Daniel Day-Lewis, but Hugh Jackman. The Les Miserables star makes a last-ditch effort to sway Oscar voters on Wednesday's The Late Show with David Letterman by coming out dressed as the 16th president. "I mean, really, can Daniel Day-Lewis do this?" Jackman asks before singing the Gettysburg Address. "I don't know why I didn't get cast. Really, I have no idea." Too bad voting closed Tuesday!
9. Grossest Solution: Thanks to Jess and Nick's complete and utter awkwardness post-kiss on New Girl, it doesn't take long for Schmidt to find out what happened. Desperate to make everything go back to normalcy in the apartment, Schmidt proposes that he and Jess kiss to even out the score. But what if there are sparks between them too? That concern is extremely short-lived as both pull away from each other quickly while making various loud, repulsed noises. So much for going back to the way they were.
8. Overprotective Daddy Award: During the first hour of Castle's annual two-parter, Castle is stunned to learn that his daughter Alexis has been kidnapped alongside an heiress whose bodyguard's murder the NYPD is investigating. After a break in the case leads Castle and Beckett to the injured getaway driver, Castle goes full Liam Neeson (as in Taken) when the driver refuses to tell Castle where he took the girls. As Castle reaches his breaking point, the action cuts to Beckett outside the room, who only hears the driver's wails of pain. Too bad the answer Castle gets is only a red herring: Alexis is really in Paris! Mon dieu!
7. Hottest Angry Sex: Rachel confronts Mike on Suits in the file room after she finds out that he didn't tell her the truth about her rejection from Harvard and asks why he wouldn't sign her letter to help her. Mike finally tells her that he never went to Harvard and is a "fraud," prompting Rachel to slap him twice before he grabs her arm. They kiss and get it on right against the files. Just don't do it on the documents, guys.
6. Best Cliff-Hanger: On The Following, the FBI locates the farmhouse where Joey is being held, and Ryan finds Joey inside. But before he can convince Joey to leave with him, Paul sneaks up behind Ryan and holds a gun to his head. "Do not move," he says. Look on the bright side: At least this isn't the season finale cliff-hanger.
5. Worst Revenge: If you thought the Governor wouldn't retaliate after Rick & Co. attacked Woodbury twice on The Walking Dead, then you you're dead wrong. Fresh-faced Axel pays that price when the Guvna and his cronies attack the prison, spraying the yard with bullets and sending in a truck full of zombies to rampage — leaving the group emotionally and physically wounded. Maybe now Rick is starting to regret sending away Tyreese and his group... and killing Shane... and... well, the list goes on and on.
4. Best Surprise: Just when it looks like Ben and Leslie's impromptu wedding ceremony isn't going to happen on Parks and Recreation after Ron is briefly locked up for punching an obnoxious guest, Ron flies the coop and brings Leslie to Pawnee City Hall. Just as Leslie figures out what's going on, he opens the door to the Parks office, which is entirely lit up in candles and with Ben standing and waiting to marry her. In a brief — thankfully, Leslie doesn't know where her 70-page vows are — but heartfelt ceremony, the two officially exchange "I do's" and celebrate with all of their close friends. Afterward, Leslie tells the camera how much she loves her husband, her job and her friends "even though they really can't handle their booze" — just as the camera pans out and shows all the guests passed out on the floor. Now... how long do we have to wait for a mini-Knope?
3. Oops, They Did It Again Award: Tensions are high on The Good Wife when the firm basically takes back their offer of partnership to Alicia and the rest of the fourth-years. After a long day of fighting her bosses, Will and Diane, in court during a mock trial, the tensions abruptly turn sexual as Will and Alicia go from yelling in each other's faces to passionately kissing in her office after hours. Ending an argument this way would never hold up in court. Just sayin'.
2. Most Ridiculous Death: After learning that Nate became a stowaway on The Amanda to kill Amanda and get control of The Stowaway (it's OK to take a minute to let that sink in), Emily and Nolan jet out to the middle of the ocean to rescue newlyweds Amanda and Jack. But as always on Revenge, Amanda messes everything up. In a moment of frustrating stupidity, Amanda doubles back to grab the necklace Emily gave her in juvie. That's when Nate detonates the boat, sending Emily and Amanda flying into the ocean. While it seems Amanda (and her then-unborn child) can survive a two-flight fall, apparently she isn't immune to everything. RIP and good riddance, Fauxmanda. You won't really be missed.
1. Twisting the Knife Award Matthew greets his newborn son, shares a sweet moment with his wife Lady Mary and then perishes violently in a car accident in the closing moments of Downton Abbey's finale. Wait, what?!? It's only been a few weeks since we lost our darling Sybil in an excruciating deathbed scene, so we were not expecting to lose yet another beloved major character so soon. This isn't Game of Thrones! Oh Downton Abbey, why must you hurt us so?
What were your top moments?