Our top moments of the week:
13. Best Translation: Any fears about new coaches Usher and Shakira fitting in on The Voice are quickly quelled on Season 4's two-night premiere. While Usher gets comfy from the get-go — pop that leg up! — Shakira shows her true, hilarious colors on Night 2 when she whips out a fake Spanish-to-country dictionary to try to convince a country singer to join her team. How do you say caliente in country?
12. Most Moving Exit: When Bryan accidentally comes home early and interrupts David's Eagle Scout meeting on The New Normal, David is (accidentally) forced to come out to his fellow Eagle Scouts, despite the fact that the organization has a decidedly anti-gay stance. Although no one in the group seems to mind, David later gets a letter kicking him out of the group. He confronts the Scouts' dads and when no one will tell him who tattled, he tosses his extremely decorated sash on the ground and says he'll be of service again when the Scouts can live up to their promise of being "loyal, trustworthy, and kind." Oh, captain, our captain.
11. Best Man of Action: Of The Good Wife's many villains over the years, Peter's Republican opponent for the Governor's office, Mike Kresteva, has to be the worst. Case in point: He lies to one of Chicago's top cardinals about Zach Florrick having a drug problem. So when Peter gets Mike alone at a fancy event, he decides to take matters into his own hands and punches him in the nose, sending him to the ground. To cover his tracks, Peter then throws his glass of alcohol at the floor near Kresteva, making it appear as if the normally sober candidate was a bad boy and fell on his own after drinking too much. Sometimes, it's good to be bad.
10. Host with the Least Award: Joey Lawrence co-hosts Splash, and Ryan Seacrest he is not. Before Nicole Eggert's dive, he and the sadistic producers run a clip of her (admittedly hilarious) pre-dive mishap with the most awkward introduction ever. "So, look, I know that you were doing your — your pre-dive warm-ups before the show and something happened, right?" he says. "Um, actually, I — I think we have a tape of that." Eggert is reduced to tears after watching the clip — from the 16-foot platform, mind you — and Lawrence does not help matters. "It looks like your arms just, like, gave out," he stammers. "Um, OK. Are you... are you all right? OK. So are you feeling — after something like that happens... what's making you emotional?" How pathetic your interview skills are, Joey. Whoa!
9. Friendliest Callbacks: Nine years after the end of Friends, Matthew Perry and Courteney Cox reunite on Go On, when Julie sets Ryan up with Talia (Cox), a recent widow. When the three are at dinner, the Friends references come fast and furious. "I don't cry that much. I hardly ever cry," Chandler, er, Ryan says. But he changes his tune when Talia reveals that she likes sensitive guys. "I cry all the time," he says. "I'm almost always crying. That's me — just a sensitive crier who drives a Porsche." Where's Joey when you need him?!
8. Worst Twist: Emily visits Mason in prison on Revenge, and he spills a deep, dark secret: Victoria had another son when she was 16 who was put in foster care. "I imagine you'll exploit this fresh little morsel with your usual flair?" Mason says. "You can't even begin to imagine," Emily replies. No, we can't. Another unnecessary twist to an already dull, torturous season? Stop while you're behind.
7. Best Twist: After spending so long rescuing Danny, his death comes as quite a shock. But the real twist in Revolution's midseason premiere is what happens after he dies. Crying, Rachel cuts open her son's corpse and removes a small, blinking device, resulting in a unanimous cry of "WTF?!" from the viewers. We can assume that the device has something to do with the experimental surgery that Randall helped Danny get, but still: What could it be? More importantly, when will we find out?
6. The Final Countdown Award: When a whole night's events are revealed to have taken place in Ted's imagination on How I Met Your Mother, Future Ted tells his kids how he would have spent one night if he had the chance to relive it: run to their mother's apartment. And so he does. In a moving, one-sided fantasy scene, he tells his future wife what is going to happen. "Hi. I'm Ted Mosby, and exactly 45 days from now, you and I are going to meet, and we're going to fall in love and we're going to get married and we're going to have two kids," he says. "We're going to love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away. But I'm here now, I guess, because I want those extra 45 days with you. I want each one of them. If I can't have them, I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face. Because I love you. I'm always going to love you. To the end of my days and beyond." Hear that? The Mother is 45 days away!
5. Most Poetic Departure Spartacus is known for its over-the-top, bloody deaths, but Crixus gets a more sentimental exit worthy of his role as the heart of the show. Just as the rebels are on the brink of conquering Rome, Marcus Crassus' forces descend upon them and defeat them. When Crixus is beheaded, we don't see fountains of blood or mangled flesh; instead his head parts with his body in a majestic, slow-motion arc that we witness through the reflection of his lover's eye. We'll miss you, champion of Capua.
4. Best Final Act: In his quest for redemption, Merle pays the ultimate price in the penultimate episode of The Walking Dead's third season. After initially knocking Michonne out so he can turn her over to The Governor, Merle finally caves to being a hero — setting Michonne free and going after The Governor himself. Unfortunately, his plan doesn't work out and Daryl is forced to put down his walker brother. At least now he can be reunited with that hand he lost!
3. Best (Worst) Interrogation: Nothing gets by that Dave Letterman! NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams stops by the Late Show for a friendly chat, but the chat is anything but friendly when Letterman starts asking about NBC's current PR disasters (aka the Matt Lauer and Jay Leno debacles). "Am I going to wake up in the shower?" Williams jokes. "Please tell me I'm going to wake up and it's going to be morning and I'm going to say 'Hey! I'm doing Dave tonight and that was just a dream.'" But Dave presses on, suggesting that NBC leaked rumors of Jimmy Fallon replacing Leno as a smokescreen to distract from Today's negative press. "If I'm on to something, blink twice," he says. BriWi, ever the pro, doesn't bat an eye.
2. Best Pelvis: When Nick's Elvis-loving father suddenly dies from a heart attack on New Girl, he and the gang travel to Chicago to help him cope and plan the funeral. But Nick quickly cracks under the pressure and not only comes to the funeral drunk, but with a really bad Elvis impersonator to perform at the service. Fortunately, the always game Jess steps in, donning a bejeweled white jumpsuit, cape and Elvis wig to perform. The result is no Aloha from Hawaii, but it certainly distracts from the coffin in the room.
1. Motown Meltdown Award: In possibly one of the worst performances to ever hit the American Idol stage, Lazaro, Devin and Burnell absolutely butcher the Motown classic "I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch)" during their group performance. As if being off-key and out of harmony aren't bad enough, Lazaro blatantly forgets the lyrics during his solo, inciting a finger jab to the chest from Devin when it's over and The Wrath of Nicki Minaj. "I don't know what that was, but I'm gonna act like I ain't even seen it or heard it," she barks. "Lazaro, you fell as flat as a pancake. Don't ever do that. I don't know what happened but all three of you, go! Get off the stage! Go! Go!" And just when you think it couldn't get worse, Ryan Seacrest asks them what went wrong... and they take the bait. "Not to throw anyone under the bus, but..." Burnell says. "I learned my parts. I tried saving a couple people, but..." Devin adds. Oof. Low, but apparently Lazaro can't memorize more than one song at once.
What were your top moments?