Our top moments of the week:
13. First Time for Everything Award: It's good to know there are still firsts 14 seasons in. Dancing with the Stars' Len Goodman — the stingiest judge of all and recipient of about, oh, 99 percent of the crowd's boos — issues his first mea culpa to Green Bay Packers wide receiver Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd for giving them a 7 last week. "I under-marked you," he says. "I watched it back. You did a great job." See? Len does have a heart! So, when will he apologize for giving Gladys Knight a 5?
12. Oiliest Situation: How much oil is there in Azerbaijan? So much that people bathe in it for therapeutic benefits. And those lucky Amazing Race teams get to scrape the crude oil off these dipped bodies in one of the weirdest Detours ever. "He looks like ... a Nutella-covered man!" Art says, as a hairy, oiled-up and gold-teethed local rises from the tub for his cleaning. "You want $1 million? Scrub a man's junk," his partner, J.J., commands. Look on the bright side, guys — at least you didn't have to take the oil baths.
11. Best Game of Chicken: On The Good Wife, Kalinda learns that the IRS is looking into her — shall we say fuzzy? — tax history because of her — shall we say ex-friend-with-occasional-benefits? — at the FBI, Agent Delaney. Kalinda confronts Lana about it at the FBI cafeteria, but when Lana tries to get Kalinda to resolve the problem over dinner at an "intimate" restaurant, Kalinda calls her bluff by brushing Lana's hair, holding her hand and trying to lean in for a kiss in front of her colleagues. Out-flirt Kalinda? Nice try, Lana.
10. In the Line of Fire Award: Lynette decides to try and win back Tom (for, like, the umpteenth time) on Desperate Housewives with a very devious plan. She lies that the power is out and, after lighting literally 100 candles, asks Tom to come over and make sure everything is OK. After she offers him wine and a plate of his favorite meal, the two reminisce and appear to lean in for a kiss — until a candle sets fire to Tom's sleeve. Lynette turns on the light to make sure he is OK and blows her entire cover. Next time, may we suggest a sexy game of flashlight tag?
9. Smoothest Kill: On the series finale of Luck, Mike puts a hit out on Ace. Always one step ahead, Ace figures out his plan and concocts his own with Gus to take down the assassin. As the hitman enters the bathroom of a restaurant searching for Ace, Gus sneaks up behind him and pulls off one of the slickest, not to mention well-paced kills we've seen. After dumping the body on a toilet and stealthily locking the stall with a tie, he picks up the gun — covered-up, of course — and leaves. Ace lives — but too bad we won't get to see what's next for him.
8. Best Border Patrol: Winston realizes that he misses his girlfriend and drives down to Mexico in Schmidt's car to see her on New Girl. Little does he know that Schmidt and secret hookup Cece are in the trunk of the car naked after you-know-what and have heard every one of his Wicked sing-alongs. When Winston almost immediately turns around to drive back to Los Angeles, a border patrol officer asks him if he is trying to sneak anyone across the border and opens the trunk to reveal the pair, much to Winston's shock and horror. Lesson learned: Next time you miss your girlfriend, just call her.
7. Saddest Reality: Michelle Duggar miscarried her 20th child, daughter Jubilee Shalom, at 17 weeks in December, and on the season finale of 19 Kids & Counting, she and husband Jim Bob share the instant they learned the heartbreaking news. "We can see the little heart there, but it's not moving," the doctor tells them. "I'm so sorry." "Both of our hearts just sank," Jim Bob narrates. "There was no heartbeat and we were both just devastated. Your whole world turns upside-down." Worse is when Michelle and Jim Bob have to break the news to their children, many of whom are expecting the big announcement to be the gender of the baby. No matter your feelings about their large family, you can't deny what a raw, devastating moment this is.
6. Most Ridiculous Performance: On Smash, Derek wants to put a contemporary spin on Marilyn Monroe, so he secretly instructs Karen, obedient as ever, to learn a new song, "Touch Me," written by Ryan Tedder, who guest-stars as himself. After wrangling Tom, Julia, Eileen and her do-gooder daughter Katie (guest star Grace Gummer), he unveils the routine (aka Marilyn: The OneRepublic Musical) — a bizarre, cringe-worthy, techno-electro-driven number that features Karen wearing a sheet and writhing around in a bed/cage/crib while masked dancers-as-paparazzi claw at her. Oh, and these "Tedder-penned" lyrics include — we are not kidding — "Come on, turn me on / Come on, be my Marlon Brando." Basically, it manages to do the impossible: For once, Ellis isn't the worst thing in the room.
5. Best Twist: On The Vampire Diaries, Klaus returns just as Damon and Stefan discover the one weapon that could kill him: a stake made from the last remaining white oak tree. But when Stefan kills Klaus' brother Finn first, it leads to the deaths of Sage and her friend Troy. Huh? Stefan soon realizes that killing the first member of a bloodline also kills anyone who stemmed from it. In other words: Killing all of those pesky Originals will wipe out the entire vampire race to which Damon and Stefan belong.
4. Best Stab in the Back Front: Alcatraz's season-long hunt for the man who killed Rebecca's partner — who also happens to be her ageless, time-traveling grandfather — finally comes to a head in the season finale with a Bullitt-inspired car chase that ends with Tommy and Rebecca coming face-to-face. Tommy, however, doesn't go quietly and stabs his own granddaughter in the gut — leaving her for dead in the street. Here's hoping that Rebecca's last breath isn't also the series'.
3. It's Kind of a Big Deal Award: Will Ferrell makes a surprise appearance on Conan as legendary San Diego news anchor Ron Burgundy. He plays some jazz flute, insults Conan O'Brien, compliments Andy Richter, and makes an "urgent and horrifying announcement." "I want to announce this to everyone here in the Americas," he tells the audience. "To my friends, in Spain, Turkey and the U.K., including England ... as of 0900 Mountain Time, Paramount Pictures and myself, Ronald Joseph Aaron Burgundy, have come to terms on a sequel for Anchorman." OK, but what about Whore Island?
2. Most Irrational Reaction: Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone. Months after telling him on Castle that she has no recollection of her shooting before confessing to her shrink that she remembers everything — including Castle's "I love you" — Beckett drops her big secret while interrogating a suspect who claims he had memory loss after a bombing. "You don't get to use that as an excuse," she says. "I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it." Unbeknownst to her, Castle sees the whole thing through a one-way mirror and is stunned and appalled. But instead of confronting Beckett, Castle gives her the cold shoulder, viewing her fib as disparaging of his feelings. "I feel like a fool," he tells his mom. Well, yeah, you should. Look, we get that you're hurt, but why would you jump to conclusions without even asking her why she lied? You do love her, right?
1. Cringe-iest Karaoke: Mad Men's much-anticipated fifth season returns with a two-hour episode that answers almost all of our burning questions. Don and Megan are married. Joan has a baby. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce is still afloat. What we didn't count on was Megan's ill-advised surprise 40th birthday party for Don. Even more ill-advised: Megan interrupts the party with a slinky song-and-dance to "Zou Bisou Bisou" that is only a couple notches below a French lap dance. Now we have a new burning question: How do we get that frickin' song out of our heads?
What were your top moments?