Our top moments of the week:
12. Most Sympathetic Plea: Resident One Tree Hill villain Dan Scott returns to town after his diner and home burn down. Dan tears up when he begs Haley to help him get back on his feet, and we actually feel bad for him for the first time ever. It may have taken nine seasons, but it looks like Dan Scott is finally back in our good graces... for now.
11. Funniest Hunger Strike: In preparation for his wedding, Castle's Ryan goes on a nine-day cleanse with his fiancée Jenny. The poor guy resists the urge to give in to solid foods until Esposito takes a tad too long eating a donut in front of him. "Do you have to be such a cliché? Stuffing your face with that th-th-thing?!" Ryan sneers. He proceeds to jump over Esposito to reach for the powdered confection, but sadly, Esposito finishes the donut and Ryan is left to explain himself. "He was flaunting that donut!" he says before apologizing and taking another swig of his green cleanse juice. Oh Ryan, nobody looks at the groom at a wedding, so why deprive yourself of all the donuts you can eat?
10. Most Cringeworthy Diss: David Cross has made no secret of his disdain for the Alvin and the Chipmunk films, but he takes things a little too far on Conan when he details how he was legally obligated to "spend a week on a cruise ship" dressed as a pelican for Chipwrecked — a move he claims came from an unnamed producer who has it out for him. "[The producer is] the personification of what people think about when they think negatively about Jews," Cross says, drawing nervous laughter from the audience as Conan promptly changes the subject. Hey, David? It's fine that you're doing the movies just for the money, but don't bite the hand that feeds you.
9. Cheating Death Award: When Renee gets the sneaking suspicion that Ben is cheating on her with Bree on Desperate Housewives, she barges into Bree's hotel room to confront her. Instead, she finds a despondent Bree, alone, with a gun, a bottle of booze and a suicide note on the table. Renee quickly susses out the situation and convinces Bree not to pull the trigger. For once, we're grateful that Renee is so paranoid, territorial and obnoxious.
8. Best Rise to the Occasion, Part I: On House of Lies' series premiere, Marty Kaan makes the best of a misunderstanding and invites a stripper to pretend to be his wife at an important business dinner with a potential client. Although she plays the part well, things spiral out of control quickly when his date ends up having sex with the client's wife in the restaurant bathroom. The client finds out, punches Marty in the face and storms out. But the next day, Marty so impresses the client's boss that he's hired anyway. Celebratory dinner, anyone?
7. Worst Skin-Baring: On The Bachelor, one woman's poor fashion choice is one man's gain. Blakeley, a VIP cocktail waitress, sports a tight, cleavage-baring jumper for a group date to a community-theater production, leaving very little to Ben's imagination (and likely scarring the kids in attendance). And because that's not enough skin, Blakeley wastes no time jumping into the pool with Ben and kissing him when they return home, sealing her chances at getting the group date rose. Next time, leave the kiddies out of it.
6. Most Painful Way to Turn Down a Proposal: What's the best way to apologize to your long-distance girlfriend for standing her up? If you're NCIS' Ray, you propose. "I love you. Now or never, Ziva David," he says. "Will you marry me?" Though Ziva doesn't immediately reply, she seriously considers becoming Mrs. CI-Ray — but then she learns that Ray once killed a Navy commander on U.S. soil. Because a simple "no" won't suffice at that point, she punches Ray in the face, putting us all one step closer to the elusive dream that is Tiva.
5. Best Rise to the Occasion, Part II: Today's weather report: cloudy with a chance of... penis? Noting the lack of snowfall in most of the U.S. compared to last year, Good Morning America weatherman Sam Champion illustrates the point further by outlining the snow-less northern part of the country. Which is fine — except his drawing resembles a certain part of the male anatomy. ("He so did not just do that," Robin Roberts says later.) What makes his gaffe even better? An oblivious Champion carries on with his forecast, reporting that a forthcoming arctic air may "last a little bit longer."
4. Worst Continuity: The dissolution of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' marriage kicks off on Keeping Up with the Kardashians when Kim nonchalantly confesses to her mom Kris Jenner in a dark car that she's not excited to return home from Dubai to her husband. "There's something in my relationship that I just feel, like, isn't right," she says. "Is this normal? Should I be feeling this way?" "No, Kim, it's not normal," mama Kris replies. You know what else doesn't feel right, Kim? How you're wearing the exact same outfit, makeup and nail polish coming out of a studio two months after this soul-baring heart-to-heart was supposedly shot halfway around the world. At least your mom changed into her Dubai outfit!
3. Best (and Bloodiest) Kept Secrets: Parks and Recreation didn't win any People's Choice Awards, but its pre-taped skit is totally winning. The cast shows off their hidden talents that include "wearing the hell out of a suit" (Aziz Ansari), smashing a laptop with a hammer (Adam Scott), making funny sounds with her mouth (Amy Poehler), growing a beard within seconds (Nick Offerman and Rashida Jones), making any woman fall in love with him (Rob Lowe) and, most hilariously, swallowing swords (Chris Pratt and Aubrey Plaza). "He's so relaxed," Plaza observes as she forces a blade down her on-screen hubby's throat. "Not after I tickle him though." Cue major blood splatter. Your turn, Aubrey.
2. Best Reveal We Should Have Seen Coming (But Totally Didn't): On Revenge, Emily takes down her latest victim — an author who crucified her father in a popular Hamptons society novel way back when — by burning down his house and taking all of the interview tapes for the book in question. However, Emily's victory lap comes to a screeching halt when she watches her father's interview and learns that Charlotte is his daughter, which makes her Emily's half-sister. Hey, at least she now has something else in common with her beau Daniel, who is also now Charlotte's half-sibling. Oh, wait, is that weird?
1. Most Delicious Display of Brotherly Love: After ?uestlove called out Tina Fey on Watch What Happens: Live for "never [being] nice" to her Philly brethren The Roots, it was obviously going to come up when the 30 Rock star dropped by Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. "I [saw it and] was like, 'What?! What is ?uest talking about?'" Fey says. "And I am from Philly, so I had a very Philly reaction. I was like, 'I'm gonna kick his ass. I'm gonna key his car, I'm gonna drag him behind a Wawa and we're gonna fight!" ?uest explains that it was a misunderstanding. But to ensure that it's all water under the bridge, Fey suggests they "do the Philly ritual — we have to bite the Hoagie of Forgiveness." With an assist from Fallon, the two bite into the gigantic sub, Lady and the Tramp-style ("With this hoagie, I thee friend," ?uest declares), and put their, uh, beef behind them. Now that's what you call swallowing your pride.
What were your top moments?
Top Moments: Late Night Settles a Beef and Revenge Gets Relative
Our top moments of the week: