Our top moments of the week:
13. Most Bitter Reminiscence: During an appearance on The Tonight Show, Madonna, a newly minted director, confesses that in her acting days, she really hated auditioning. "I really sucked at some," she says. when Jay Leno presses for details, she crosses her arms like a petulant child. "I'm not telling," she says. She does, however, offer a hint: "You audition for something, like, eight times ... It's like a kind of torture ... and I ended up not getting the part and that's not very pleasant. I have a voodoo doll of that director." We've got fifty bucks that says that she's talking about Chicago.
12. Weirdest Face-Off: The Real Housewives have always been known to fight rough (wig-pulling, table-flipping, etc.), but Sheree and Marlo's blowout takes a particularly weird turn when they argue about a party in Capetown. Marlo accuses Sheree of being poor and having to return everything she buys at Neiman Marcus (okay...?) and before you know it, both women are moving their heads from side to side and speaking in high-pitched gibberish. Sheesh, it's hard enough to understand what these women are saying when they speak English.
11. Best Reason for a Divorce: David Letterman grills Late Show guest Jennifer Lopez about her modern-day, Sonny-and-Cher-style relationship with estranged husband Marc Anthony, with whom she co-produces Q'Viva!, a reality show on Univision. "It's fun because we know each other so well and we really work well together," Lopez says. "But it has its moments. The same things that ... didn't really work sometimes come up." Letterman, who marked his 30th anniversary in late-night TV Wednesday, presses for examples. "Communication. You're talking and you don't agree on something, and then you're like, 'Oh, be quiet!' You'll see it on the show a little bit," Lopez says. "So Marc would say 'Be quiet!' to you?" Letterman asks. "No," J. Lo bashfully admits before bursting into laughter.
10. Best Check Mate: She makes desserts, she crochets and she wears a hat made entirely of ribbons. I think it's safe to say that New Girl's Jess is a "girly girl." But when her precocious, doe-eyed ways put her at odds with Nick's girlfriend, Julia, she tries her best to mend fences, until she realizes that no amount of twee baked goods is going to melt Julia's hard exterior. Instead, Jess owns her girlishness. "My checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch," she proclaims, a little too proudly. But seriously, who doesn't love baby farm animals?
9. Highest Times: If you've ever wanted to watch a 78-year-old woman get stoned, WE is the network for you! On Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best, Joan Rivers and a friend park in a nondescript cul-de-sac with her pal Lynne so she can smoke her weed — prescribed for "stress," duh — in a pipe named Louis XIII. The two get so high that Joan has to call Melissa to pick them up. But the high jinks don't end: They stop at a food truck for some munchies ("Look at that sky," Joan says. "You know how many people are looking at the same sky?") and, after Melissa puts them to bed, Joan and Lynne sneak out to the hot tub, jump in fully clothed and drink the pool water out of her high heels. When Melissa comes out to reprimand them, Joan pulls her daughter into the tub. "it's like Natalie Wood was in this pool," Joan cracks.
8. Best Dilemma: Fueled by her love for Finn and her devastation over not receiving a letter from her dream school, NYADA, Rachel accepts Finn's proposal on Glee. However, in the last few moments of the episode, her finals-acceptance letter arrives! But when Kurt asks Rachel if she's told Finn yet (completely unaware that he put a ring on it), Rachel stares blankly, leading us to believe she's reconsidering marital bliss. Don't worry, Rachel! There's already a master plan for a New York-based spin-off for you, Kurt and Finn, which means everything has to work out! Oh, wait...
7. The Perfect Storm (Out) Award: Alicia is subpoenaed to testify before a grand jury about allegations of Will bribing judges on The Good Wife and it gets ugly fast. Prosecutor Wendy Scott-Carr makes Alicia confess to carrying on a sexual relationship with Will in front of a room of strangers, as well as her estranged husband's second-in-command, Cary. But as soon as Wendy tries to connect the dots and insinuate that Alicia is successful at work because of her affair with Will, she stands up, tells Wendy she's out of control and leaves in the middle of her testimony, daring Wendy to arrest her. Don't make her get the baseball bat!
6. Naked Truth Award: On The Bachelor, Courtney, cunning as ever, isn't satisfied with sharing Ben on a group date, so she makes up her own rules and goes to his hotel room for a nightcap. While he appears surprised, Ben wastes no time inviting her in and uncorking a bottle of wine. But Courtney has another idea: skinny-dipping. "I'm going to rock your world," she tells him, as they strip down on the beach and run into the water. At least Ben's not worried about shrinkage.
5. Best Family Reunion: On The Vampire Diaries, a very angry Elijah decides to undagger his two brothers and sister, so that they outnumber Klaus and then abandon him. But just as the tears rolled down the Original's eyes, the final member of the family arrived — Esther, Klaus' mother — who had been locked away in a mysterious coffin. But instead of joining in on the resentment towards him, Esther says, "You are my son and I am here to forgive you. I want us to be a family again."
4. Worst Reason for a Divorce: What was the last straw in Kim Kardashian and Kris Humprhies' marriage? Closet space. Really. As they prepare to leave the Big Apple on the season finale of Kourtney and Kim Take New York, Kris tells her that he's going to ship his boxes to her house in L.A. Makes sense, right? Husband and wife living together. Not to Kim. She has "panic attacks" at the thought and tells him to just bring a bag. "If I was Kris, I would hate you," Kourtney tells her. "You're such a bitch." "It's true, Kim," Kris adds. "You're not ready for someone in your life." Kim cries mascara tears and sobs to her sisters and Scott Disick about how she wanted a fairy-tale wedding and cannot have Kris' stuff in her house. "You do realize you're married, right?" Scott logically asks. Hey, Kim, you do realize how ridiculous you're being to make Scott sound like the voice of reason, right?
3. Most Bittersweet Farewell: On the Chuck series finale, Sarah loses her memories of the last few years — coincidentally, the same span of time it took her to fall for and marry Chuck — through a spy-centric plot device (a faulty computer that uploaded into her brain). The series bypasses a huge action-packed ending and instead concludes with a kiss — a kiss that has all the magical potential of Sleeping Beauty's and Snow White's iconic smooches to wake Sarah from her amnesia. But before we can decide if this only-on-TV solution works, the screen fades to black , and Chuck is no more.
2. Best OMG Moment: Gossip Girl celebrates its 100th episode in true Upper East Side-style — an over-the-top royal wedding and not one, but two OMG cliff-hangers: First, Blair calls Dan — and not Chuck — to rescue her from her fairy tale-turned-nightmare nuptials. But then, there's a real jaw-dropper when Gossip Girl herself is revealed to be master manipulator Georgina! We're still sticking by our theory that Georgina is just a GG proxy, but considering her personal vendettas against the entire crew, that's one heck of a scary future.
1. Funniest Meltdown: It's her birthday and she'll cry if she wants to. During an appearance on Ellen, Kristen Bell recounts how her fiancé, Dax Shepard, surprised her on her birthday by hiring her favorite animal, a sloth, to attend the festivities. Let's roll the tape! Before he can even bring the tree-dwelling creature in, Bell — who cries if she's not "between a three and a seven on the emotional scale" — sensed its presence and, unable to manage her excitement like any true sloth lover, curls up in the fetal position and has a full-fledged (and hilarious) emotional meltdown. Ellen nearly re-creates the video magic when she pretends that she's going to bring out another sloth, which prompts the actress to tear up and hyperventilate. (Cold, Ellen!) Either way, good luck topping that this year, Dax.
What were your top moments?