Our top moments of the week:
15. Silence Is Golden Award: On New Girl, Jess asks Nick why he doesn't like Paul (guest star Justin Long), her fellow schoolteacher crush who's over for Thanksgiving, and he says it doesn't matter because he's not the one who has to have sex with him. Jess replies that she wants "to have sex with him big time" and "take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie." Hopefully, Paul actually wants some of that pumpkin pie or else dessert is going to be really awkward.
14. Worst Cuisine Crime: Pressed for time and money, Keith commits a cardinal sin and purchases pre-cooked shrimp for his team on Top Chef. (To be fair, teammate Chris says "whatever, get it" when asked to weigh in.) Still, anyone who's ever seen the show and has half a brain knows that that's not going to fly (it doesn't; he was axed). This is a cooking show, so we're pretty sure the judges are going to want you to, you know, actually cook.
13. Worst Step Down the Rabbit Hole: On Desperate Housewives, Bree's ex, Chuck, tells the ladies that he's thisclose to linking them to Alejandro's disappearance. Bree subsequently loses her entire support system because Gaby and Susan are mad that she didn't tell them about Chuck's investigation, so she goes home and turns to a dangerous old friend — alcohol — and quickly gulps down a big glass of white wine. Sure, some of Bree's alcoholic adventures were funny back in the day (remember the dressing room in Season 2?), but this is a recipe for disaster.
12. No Happily Ever After Award: Once Upon a Time has taken several liberties with the fairytale characters we've come to know and love, but none so much as with the Fairy Godmother, who was so close to making all of Cinderella's dreams come true. Instead, within seconds of her appearance on screen, Rumpelstiltskin turns her to dust, proving that the ABC series is not going to be shy about trampling all over Disney tradition.
11. Lowest Blow: Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog play Password with Martin Short and Michael Stipe, respectively, on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Adorable, right? What could possibly go wrong? Well, things take an unfortunate and awkward turn when our favorite porcine diva figures out what the clues "eggs," "rasher" and "crisp" refer to. "Oh, no!" she cries. "It's not... bacon?! ... Sometimes winning is not fun." (FYI: Kermit is not allowed to say "bacon.") Not cool, show, not cool! Is that any way to treat your guest — especially an international superstar like Miss Piggy? But Miss Piggy does get a make-out session with Martin out of the game. And we know how much she loves to make her Kermie jealous...
10. Worst Slap: The Braverman family loves meddling, but when grandpa Zeke tells Julia and Joel that Sydney is a sore loser on Parenthood, they don't buy it — that is, until Joel beats Sydney by a wide margin at Candyland and his dearest daughter shrieks that her dad is a cheater, up-ends the board and slaps her dad across the face when he tries to pick her up. Princess Lolly and Gloppy the Chocolate Monster would not approve.
9. The Getting-Too-Real Award: Sure, they're called The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but things in the 90210 usually stay fairly superficial — except when a tea party somehow morphs into an intervention about Taylor's abusive husband, Russell (who committed suicide in August after she filed for divorce and accused him of hitting her). Taylor tries to make the argument about Lisa when Camille says they've been trying to protect her "because we don't say that he hits you, because we don't say that he broke your jaw." For once, we wish the cameras weren't rolling for that conversation.
8. Worst Response: After he protects her from an unexpected shooting, Cary tries his best to figure out what exactly Kalinda is after on The Good Wife (Dana Lodge? Information on another case?), but she insists that he thinks of her as too manipulative. As she innocently wipes blood from his ear to show she means well, he kisses her softly and asks her what they're doing. "I have no idea," she replies, prompting Cary to walk away without a word.
7. Best Seal of Approval: When Jay reluctantly lets Phil, a former masseur, massage his bum back on Modern Family, he is so soothed by Phil's magic touch that he blurts out the three words that Phil has longed to hear from him: "I love you." Jay immediately regrets it, but Phil is already out the door with excitement. It turns out, however, that Phil never heard Jay's declaration of love, but rather had received a text from two colleagues asking him to start a new real estate agency with them. Knowing he can't deal with big decisions, Phil asks for advice from Jay, who tells him to do it — and utters four equally positive words: "I'd gamble on you."
6. Most Bitter: And here we thought Maksim Chmerkovskiy was the one with a 'tude on Dancing with the Stars. Annoyed with the judges for giving them a 21 for their first dance, Hope Solo tells Maks, "F--- them! I don't even wanna look at them," as they walk toward the judges' table for their second critique. What happened to good sportsmanship, Hope? Or does that only apply in soccer? Good thing they got eliminated — now you never have to look at the judges again!
5. Most Intriguing Twist: Things couldn't be going more swimmingly during Brody and Carrie's weekend away on Homeland — they bond and have sober sex! — until a slip-up forces her to admit that she spied on him and that she thinks Abu Nazir turned him. Brody tells her, among other things, that Abu Nazir told him to kill Tom Walker, the other soldier who disappeared with him. Peeved that Carrie still thinks he flipped, Brody leaves — just as Carrie gets a call from Saul, who tells her that Aileen has ID'd the real POW who turned: Tom Walker, who is very much alive. So is Brody really a good guy? And what is Tom Walker up to?
4. Cruelest Change of Heart: After sleeping together on How I Met Your Mother, Robin and Barney agree to break up with Kevin and Nora, and meet at MacLaren's to start anew. Barney dumps Nora with her parents in the next room. Cold? Yes. But that's nothing compared to Robin opting to stay with Kevin and then bringing him to MacLaren's, shocking Barney to the core. (Uh, why not give him a heads-up, Robin?!) Barney's puppy-dog face is devastating enough, but then we watch as he cleans up her rose pedal-strewn, candlelit bedroom he had set up in anticipation of their reunion. We know you suck at love, Robin, but in the words of Kanye, how could you be so heartless? Weren't you the one pining for Barney? At this rate, you don't deserve him.
3. Best Slap: Despite her love for Brittany, Santana has gone to great lengths to keep her homosexuality a secret on Glee (she dated Karofsky, for gosh sakes). But after bullying Finn, he retaliates by hitting her where it hurts. He calls her a "coward" for not being honest and open. Things go from bad to worse when someone overhears their conversation and outs Santana in a statewide campaign commercial. With tears streaming down her face, Santana slaps Finn across the face. Don't mess with Lima Heights-adjacent, Hudson.
2. Rudest Awakening: After her friends attempt at an intervention fail on Private Practice, Amelia and her new fiancé Ryan decide to get clean together — after one more drug trip. Ryan overdoses, of course, sending Amelia straight into rehab. Let's hope it sticks this time.
1. Best Evisceration: Jon Stewart criticizes former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky on The Daily Show for giving an ill-advised interview on Rock Center with Brian Williams about the sexual abuse charges he's facing. When Bob Costas asks if he's sexually attracted to young boys, Sandusky repeats the question and for about 20 second, fumbles his way to finally saying no. "Everyone knows the only time you repeat a question is when you're guilty!" Stewart says. "You can't even bring yourself to lie emphatically." Stewart then points out that Sandusky should've been able to coordinate a better defense, oh, say 20 years ago. "You could've called the 'prevent me' defense," he says. "When the ball snaps, pull everybody to prevent you from moving 50 yards within a kid!"
What were your top moments?