Our top moments of the week:
14. Best Kiss: We've seen plenty of shirtless Stefan Salvatore shots on The Vampire Diaries, so it was about time we got not one, but two Damon shower scenes. At the end of the episode, Damon soaks in a bubble bath with his new lady Andie. In true vampire fashion, Damon grabs her for an intense kiss, and then nibbles on her neck until we see blood drip down her soaking wet back.
13. Biggest Loser and Gainer: We get that The Biggest Loser is not the best way for everyone to lose weight. But Don, if you're not feeling it, do everyone a favor and quit instead of throwing the weigh-in, not once, but twice. After his twin brother and fellow cop, Dan, got bounced when they both gained weight, Don puts on another 6 pounds so he too can get sent home to the family he missed so much. "It's a good strategic move," he says. Good riddance.
12. Worst Party Crashers: On Gossip Girl, Blair and Dan's scheming to push each other out of their internships at W magazine gets them both fired when they start a shoving match in front of their boss at a big party. You would think these Upper East Siders would have picked up some etiquette after attending high-fashion soirees every single week for four seasons. Think again.
11. Best Sycophant: Brian Williams may not want to join David Letterman in slamming Jay Leno, but Chris Elliott sure doesn't mind. The comedian — a former Late Night with David Letterman writer and performer — wastes no time blasting "Herman Munster with a neck job" on The Late Show because Leno had recently ambushed him for one of his "stupid" Jaywalking segments. "How am I supposed to know flour is the main ingredient in bread?" Elliott says to the visibly tickled host. "That show is for morons — it is not like your show."
10. Best Political Take Down: When a political flier falsely claims that Zach Florrick's girlfriend had an abortion on The Good Wife, campaign manager Eli Gold knows exactly who's to blame. Eli confronts Zach's old girlfriend and evil master manipulator Becca and slams her with his knowledge of her affair with a college-prep tutor. "I know, given your history, it's probably a new word for you," he instructs her, "but you say no."
9. Best Cameo: Two years after exiting the series, William Petersen's Gil Grissom returns to CSI for a brief video chat with "The Two Mrs. Grissoms." Sara spends most of the episode trying to convince her mother-in-law that the couple's long-distance relationship works for them, but Mama Grissom isn't wholly convinced until she interrupts Sara and Gil during a Skype conversation. The conversation somehow turns to Incan "sex pots," which, frankly, left us confused, but it was great to see Gil again, even if it wasn't in the flesh.
8. Most Stimulating: Who needs implants when you can buy the Top Charming Breast Stimulator? After seeing a hilarious, ultra-jiggly commercial for the vibrating inserts meant to increase breast size, Ellen DeGeneres decides to try them herself on her show. "They're moving around for sure," she says after sticking them inside her shirt. "Can you see anything? No? You can't see anything? Maybe I'm too firm."
7. Best Party Crasher: We see a new side of Adam Braverman on Parenthood when he and the boys crash Jasmine's engagement party. He's stoned (via an edible marijuana lollipop he mistakenly accepts from his boss), but between mouthfuls of crab cakes and some embarrassing dance moves, he still manages to give heartfelt words of wisdom to his sister, father and son.
6. Sweetest Speech: While there are plenty of touching moments during Brooke and Julian's wedding on One Tree Hill, Jamie Scott's best man speech, in which he tells the story of how Julian saved half of a token from a bumper car ride he took with his first crush, the precocious 7-year-old says, "Today, Julian gave me this token because he didn't need it anymore. He found his other half."
5. Worst Trip to the Doctor: There are some places that reality show camera crews shouldn't be allowed to film. Jersey Shore begs to differ as the cameras roll as Ronnie receives a rectal exam from his doctor. His pained facial expression haunts our dreams.
4. Naked Ambition Award: Kim Kardashian swears she's "over" doing nude photo shoots on Kourtney and Kim Take New York. So why did she pose for W magazine's annual art issue in nothing but silver paint? Because she was told an "artist is going to put, like, images of, like, architecture and buildings and like stuff on top of me." Alas, that did not happen, bringing her to tears when she sees the final spread. "You can see nipple, you can see my a-- crack. Oh my God, I'm more naked here than I was in Playboy!" she cries. "I am so f---ing mad right now. I am just never getting naked again!" Now let's not make promises we can't keep.
3. Best Way to Induce Labor: Providing the soundtrack for every milestone in Ellie and Awesome's lives (remember this?) on Chuck, Jeffster busts out the leather jackets and keytar to serenade Ellie, who's in labor, and other mothers-to-be in a maternity ward with... Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It." Awesome did ask for a push mix.
2. Craziest Sabotage: It would be far too cliché for Cynthia's family to simply object in the middle of the ceremony, so her mom and sister instead decide to hide her marriage license hours before her wedding on Real Housewives of Atlanta. Can't they just settle this like all Real Housewives arguments and simply claw each other's eyes out?
1. Best Closure: On The Bachelor, Brad takes Emily, whose late fiancé, Ricky, was a NASCAR driver, to a raceway in Las Vegas so that she can face her tragic past. After summoning the courage to get in the car, Emily takes one lap for Ricky and one for herself, proving that she's ready to move on.
What were your top moments?