There were a lot of dirty tricks on TV this week. Jo Reynolds (Daphne Zuniga) cajoled poor Riley into posing topless on Melrose Place. House and Foreman conducted an autopsy on a living person. Gossip Girl's Chuck kissed a guy because of Blair's deception. CSI: Miami's Eric Delko tricked us all by slinking off into the night with barely any explanation. Welcome to this week's Top Moments: Dirty Tricks Edition.
14. Best Reveal: We already knew that Desperate Housewives' Julie Mayer likes to date older men. (Remember guest star Steven Weber?) But it's still shocking to find out that the formerly innocent science nerd has a married lover, creepy dad Dominic "Nick" Bolen, who we see surreptitiously visiting her in the hospital.
13. Most Enlightening Reintroduction: Jo Reynolds (Daphne Zuniga) returns to Melrose Place to photograph newbie model Riley for a denim campaign. One problem: Jo's kind of a bitch now. The wide-eyed Riley tells Jo she admires the photographs she took in Darfur. Jo is nonplussed, then peeved to be working with an amateur, and changes the subject by insisting that Riley pose topless.
12. Most Shocking Surprise: On House, when a patient dies hours after Dr. House discharges him, the cranky doc wants to crack open the poor sap's chest to see what the heck happened. He and Foreman do so with an electric saw, but stop when the cadaver inexplicably starts bleeding. As they lean in to get a better look, the so-called corpse springs to life and screams bloody murder. Guess the EMTs really botched that call.
11. Best Confrontation: Grey's Anatomy's shining moment is a quiet, calm conversation between Derek Shepherd and the Chief in which Derek admonishes the Chief for allowing chaos to become the standard at Seattle Grace.
10. Best Kiss, Part I: Blair tricks Chuck into kissing Mr. Ellis so she can give the coveted freshman toast at NYU's parents' dinner on Gossip Girl. "You really think I never kissed a guy before?" Chuck asks, thinking his bi-curious overtures will fuel his lady's passions. Alas, what Chuck thought was a sex game was a game of another sort to the scheming B.
9. Best Redefinition of Ugly: Betty Suarez is a big-time magazine editor now, so it's time for a new fashion statement. On the Season 4 premiere of Ugly Betty, she unveils a new, pared-down look that tames the frizzy hair and keeps the clashing patterns under control. She still has braces and more eyebrow than Groucho Marx, but... baby steps, people!
8. Worst Luck in Love: On Dexter, just after Deb finally gives in to her feelings for Lundy and spends an intimate evening with him, gunshots sound, and they both fall to the ground. Girl can't catch a break.
7. Worst Swan Song: Eric Delko (Adam Rodriguez), a CSI: Miami staple for the entire series, decides he wants to leave the CSI unit — and Calleigh — all in the space of one episode. There's hardly time to tell us why and where he's going, so... he doesn't. Fans of the Calleigh-Eric romance are rightly outraged. We're supposed to believe that after all that pursuit he gives up just like that? Is this really the last we'll see of Delko?
6. Best Kiss, Part II: An orgiastic frenzy on Eastwick inspires a spontaneous kiss between Joanna (Lindsay Price) and Penny (Sara Rue). The next morning, Penny makes it clear that she's only into boys. But that's the least of Joanna's worries, as Penny is dating the mysterious new guy who will eventually kill Roxanne.
5. Saddest Departure: In what Jeff Probst calls his "scariest moment" on Survivor, Galu tribe leader Russell Swan collapses in the middle of a reward challenge and is taken out of the show. The normally stoic competitor cries upon hearing that he'll have to leave. "My family depends on me to be the strong one," he says.
4. Most Uncomfortable: Modern Family patriarch Jay asks his son, Mitch, and Mitch's boyfriend, Cameron, if they'd hit on him in "one of your bars." ("I know I'm not Erik Estrada or anything," Jay says.) Mitch demurs ("You are really close to ruining gay for me," he says), but Cameron offers him a hearty thumbs-up. Awk-ward!
3. Worst Lucky Charm: Dancing with the Stars pro Anna Demidova tells her partner, Michael Irvin, to imagine that he's holding a nickel between his buttocks in order to improve his posture for the paso doble. Irvin, not much for metaphors, actually clenches a coin during rehearsals, which he later presents to living punchline/judge Bruno Tonioli for inspiring him. "I don't know if that's the kind of tip he wants," snarks co-host Samantha Harris.
2. Most Troubling Assembly of Details: We suspend our disbelief for Glee's flights of fancy all the time. But please explain why, if Emma has asked Will for dancing lessons, he is serenading her with "The Thong Song." Emma is wearing her cousin's wedding dress standing completely still while Will flails like the Ghost of Spring Break Past? Not a very good teacher!
1. Best Discovery: In a Mad Men reveal three seasons in the making, Betty finally unlocks both Don's desk drawer and the mystery of her husband's secret life. Betty waits up all night to confront Don, who never arrives. Instead, she puts the box — and her true self — back in its place, keeping quiet and playing her part as a trophy wife. For now.