Our top moments of the week:
12. Always the Bridesmaid Award: Contrary to its theme song, Celebrity Apprentice is not all about "money, money, money." Although Clay Aiken outdraws Arsenio Hall, $301,500 to $167,100, in the final fundraising challenge and arguably has the more entertaining variety show, Donald Trump somewhat surprisingly hires Hall, preferring his PSA ad instead. "You're both amazing people," Trump says. "There is no loser tonight." Except for, of course, Aiken, who notches another close-but-no-cigar second place nine years after losing to Ruben Studdard on American Idol. Third time's the charm, Clay!
11. Most Heartfelt Flirting: On The Bachelorette, Emily and the men have a group date with several members of the Muppets (hello, Disney synergy!). The guys are tasked with singing, dancing or performing stand-up, but it's Emily who shines in her performance. During the opening act, Emily coyly flirts with Kermit the Frog (after she asks him to zip up her dress!), practically making the green little man turn red.
10. Funniest Meltdown: James Van Der Beek faces off with his Dancing with the Stars nemesis Dean Cain on Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 — but it's not on the parquet. Instead, The Beek completely loses it when he finds out that Cain has something larger than him: his dressing room. (What did you think we meant?) "This dressing room is suffocating me. I can practically touch the walls," he says, comically and forcefully stretching his arms out.
9. Most Unexpected Expectation: And a baby makes four? When Modern Family's Mitch and Cam learn that there is a newborn baby boy waiting for them to adopt in the Spanish-speaking border town Calexico, Calif., they recruit Gloria to come along. Her bilingualism does come in handy — especially when she has to break the news to them that the birth mother's grandmother wants to raise the boy. But someone is still getting a baby: Gloria wasn't suffering from car sickness earlier — she's pregnant!
8. Most Offensive Use Of a Sequins: American Idol's finales are famous for over-the-top stunts, including (but not limited to) explosives, pyrotechnics, confetti, smoke machines, strobe lights, and this year, more than ever before, sequins! Case in point: guest performer Fantasia Barrino. To put it kindly, the Idol alum isn't exactly in fighting shape, and the bare side-leg action does nothing but make us fearful of a seriously awkward wardrobe malfunction. Someone get her a new stylist, stat!
7. Separation Anxiety Award: The anti-climactic death of the Big Bad Dick Roman on Supernatural is a tad disappointing, but all is forgiven when Dean and Cas are revealed to be trapped in purgatory on the season finale. Being stuck in a world full of ravenous monsters is one thing, but Dean being separated from Sam? Inconceivable! The brothers have always been a little too codependent, and we can't wait to see how the Winchester boys fare on their own.
6. Most Awesome Reaction: It's anything but a laughing matter when Anderson Cooper welcomes "Human Barbie" Sarah Burge on his talk show — only to swiftly boot her from the stage. Why? Burge — who has had $800,000-plus worth of plastic surgery — gave her 8-year-old daughter breast implants and liposuction vouchers to be redeemed at age 18, and encourages her 15-year-old to get Botox to stop perspiration because, you know, that'd be better than for her to get "it off the Internet and administering it herself," she tells an increasingly disgusted Cooper. Ultimately, the normally mild-mannered newsman just can't take it anymore. "Um, I honestly have nothing more to talk to you about. I got to stop, sorry. I try to be really polite to all my guests, but I think you're dreadful and I honestly don't want to talk to you anymore," he tells Burge, who walks off stage with no complaints. "I regret having her on in the first place," Cooper says backstage, "and I regret how things ended." We don't!
5. Best Dance: As a die-hard Dancing with the Stars fan, Donald Driver knows the freestyle could win it all for him, so he asks Peta Murgatroyd to come up with a country-fried number — a spin on Drew Lachey and Cheryl Burke's legendary "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" routine. The result? A jaw-dropping and lively hoedown with an assist from Cowboy Troy and some requisite Green Bay Packers flavor. Donald finally earns his first 30 and goes on to win the Mirrorball trophy. Heavens to Murgatroyd indeed!
4. Worst Morning After: Like any good procedural, the detectives of Law & Order: SVU are usually able to close a case in one episode. However, the season finale's final moments indicate that things are just getting started in the war between two prominent escort services when Capt. Cragen mysteriously wakes up with blood on his hand. He soon realizes that the blood (probably) belongs to the dead prostitute lying next to him. Cragen's shock and horror gives new meaning to the phrase "waking up on the wrong side of the bed."
3. Most Explosive Finale: Emily loses a vicious soon-to-be-stepmother (or at least appears to), but gains back her real mother on the season finale of Revenge. After things end with Daniel and Jack, Emily's sole comfort is that her father's name will soon be cleared when Victoria testifies about the cover-up. Too bad Victoria's plane containing all the evidence against Grayson Global is blown up in a fiery explosion, which appears to kill Victoria. However, Nolan was able to back up some of the evidence, including a tape that shows Victoria saying that Emily's mother is actually alive. You mean someone could have been helping Ems out with her revenge-nda this whole time? Selfish!
2. Most Heartbreaking Fake-Out: "Going to the chapel and we're..." Nope, as it turns out Rachel and Finn end up at the train station instead of the local church on Glee's season finale. After both Kurt and Finn are rejected from their respective New York schools, Rachel decides to defer for a year and stay in Ohio to help them. But Finn knows that Rachel is too big of a star to stay behind and informs her that she is on the next train to New York and that she is going to start school in the fall. He then tells her that he's also leaving Ohio — but for Georgia, to join the Army and honor his father's legacy, which leaves the lovebirds no choice but to split. Rachel cries uncontrollably as Finn escorts her to the train, where the entire glee club is waiting to say goodbye to her. But the moment she steps off the train in the Big Apple, her sadness transforms into joy. We think she's gonna like it there.
1. Carpe Diem Award: House goes out the same way he came into our lives eight years ago: screwing with everyone. On the House series finale, the suicidal doc appears to have perished inside a burning building right in front of Wilson's and Foreman's eyes. But like his inspiration Sherlock Holmes' pseudo-death, it was all just a ruse. At his memorial service, Wilson gets a text — "SHUT UP YOU IDIOT" — from House himself, who later explains that he concocted the whole thing to be with his cancer-stricken BFF in his final days. "I'm dead, Wilson," he says. "How do you want to spend your last five months?" For starters, cruising off into the sunset on motorcycles. Thanks for the ride, House. It was never boring — and never lupus.
What were your top moments?