Our top moments of the week:
17. Craziest Crowd: This little British boy band called One Direction — perhaps you've heard of them? — appear on the Today show Tuesday in front of a record-breaking crowd to perform their hit "Live While We're Young" to throngs upon throngs of teenagers (and their very loving parents). Ironically, nobody can hear the performance they camped outside for four whole days to see over the cacophony of screams coming from the audience.
16. Lamest Twist: Top Chef brings back alums Stefan, C.J. and Josie to judge a Quickfire, but their work doesn't end there. After they name a winner, Padma Lakshmi announces that the three will join Season 10 as competitors. Yawn. Because this has never been done before on reality shows.
15. Best Undressing: On Suburgatory, Sheila accidentally walks in on her daughter's boyfriend, Malik, naked as he's getting out of the shower. She immediately makes things less awkward — or does she? — by telling him that she was "quite thorough" when she checked for ticks as a summer camp counselor and that she once sketched nude models in a life-drawing class. Malik then calms her fears by saying he has a white female doctor about Sheila's age and that he was born naked. Unfortunately, Lisa witnesses the incident and runs away screaming, but at least these two gave it their best shot, right?
14. Most Obvious Send-Up: It's no secret that The New Normal co-creator Ryan Murphy based the Bryan character on himself — hello, Bryan works on a show called Sing! — and he has more than a little fun poking at his own Glee cast. He tells an actor in a wheelchair to stop acting and walk. A sicky-sweet actress named Clea praises "Bry-Bry"'s video and they each declare that they heart each other. Gee, who on Earth could this be about?
13. Best Surrogate: Camille may not be Kristina's real mom, but she proves herself to be a darn good stand-in on Parenthood. As Kristina gets ready to begin chemotherapy, Camille brings her an old sweater her friend used to keep warm during treatment and reveals that Kristina will be the seventh person to use it during chemotherapy. Camille goes on to say that at first she thought Kristina was all wrong for her son — diss! — but then tells her she's never been so happy to be so wrong. The best part? The cancer sweater is real, so prepare to cry your eyes out even more!
12. Our Cup Runneth Over Award: Jess returns to the job market on New Girl, but unfortunately, one of her interviews happens to be during her time of the month — or as Jess calls it, her "menzies." Things take a turn for the worse when the interviewer shows Jess a picture of her tiny dog in a cup and Jess begins to tear up at the sight of the small pup. "Sorry, how did she fit in the cup? I just don't understand. Physically, how did she get so small?" Jess manages to compose herself until she learns that the dog died and then the tears really start flowing. Don't call us; we'll call you, Jess.
11. Most Impressive Deflection: What will Guy Fieri say about that scathing review from the New York Times of his new Times Square restaurant? That's the question on everyone's mind when the Food Network personality stops by the Today show Thursday. Instead of apologizing for the bad service and food, the chef points his finger at food critic Pete Wells, saying he has a "different agenda" and calling the review itself "ridiculous. ... To me it's impossible to come in and have a dining experience and have every single thing wrong unless you come in with a different agenda and you wanna sensationalize something," he tells Savannah Guthrie, who pointedly does not taste any of the food on camera. Slather that with Donkey Sauce and smoke it, Fieri!
10. Sweetest Speech: When Robin has trouble breaking up with Nick on How I Met Your Mother, Barney shows up at the aptly named dessert joint Splitsville to help out. "Robin and I are in love," he declares. "I'm a guy who's faked love his entire life. I thought love was something that idiots just thought they felt. ... This woman has a hold on my heart that I couldn't break if I wanted to. ... I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows." Of course, he insists afterward that it was a show to help her dump Nick and their near-kiss is predictably interrupted by a phone call. Guys, we know they get married, so stop dragging this out!
9. Sealed with a Kiss Award: When The Good Wife's Cary and Alicia go to the FCC to try to defend Theresa (Christina Ricci), a comedienne who exposed her breasts on TV in order to bring awareness to breast cancer, one of the members asks Theresa to pledge that she will never do something like that on TV again. Instead of giving a yes or no answer, she instead leans over and plants a big kiss on Cary in front of the FCC member and the rest of her counsel before she leaves the room. Sooooo, is that a yes or a no?
8. Biggest Mistake: Could James and Abba's Amazing Race get any worse? A week after losing their money, the rockers make a huge amateur blunder: They leave all of their bags — including their passports — in a cab, which takes off while they're doing the Roadblock. (Seriously, keep your passports on you at all time!) Their fate will be revealed next week, but they're the fourth team in the past eight seasons to lose their passports. A couple more of these and we can do a whole season of Racers who've lost their passport. Green-light it, CBS!
7. Best Battle: When Robert Pattinson stops by Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to promote The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn -- Part 2, Fallon challenges his guest to a Water War — aka a game of War where the winner gets to throw water on the loser. Pattinson proves he's game by first pouring water on his own crotch so it looks like he wet his pants. A soaked Pattinson soon declares, "This is my favorite talk show in America!" So how long before Pattinson gets cast on Smash opposite drink-throwing MVP Anjelica Houston?
6. Best Return: Cas is back! He's a little worse for wear, but at least he's here. Supernatural's favorite angel returns from Purgatory, but instead of coming home to happy faces, all Castiel gets is a whole lot of angst with a side of whine (classic Winchester brothers). Dean can't help but blame himself for leaving Cas down below, but as it turns out, Cas chose to stay in Purgatory! One thing he didn't choose though: informing on Sam and Dean for heaven. What exactly are they planning for the Winchesters? Whatever it is, we doubt it's any good.
5. Hindsight Is 20/20 Award: Who should've seen Gen. David Petraeus' "spyfall" coming? Jon Stewart! The Daily Show host reprimands himself for not picking up on the "innuendo after innuendo" Paula Broadwell dropped while she was promoting her biography of the former CIA director on his show in January. "The thing never crossed my f---ing mind!" Stewart exclaims after playing a mash-up of her comments. "I am the worst journalist in the world! For God's sake, the title of her book was All In. She may as well have called the book What's Got Two Thumbs and Is Banging His Biographer? This Guy." Don't be so tough on yourself, Jon. We should've seen it coming too — she did title a chapter "Anaconda."
4. Weirdest Interruption: On the The Walking Dead's first episode since Lori's death, Rick goes on a rampage through the prison slaughtering zombies when a randomly placed telephone rings! Who's on the other line? If the show does follow the comics, you can get a hint here. Creepy!
3. Weirdest Makeout Session: Increasingly frustrated by being left in the dark by both his CIA and terrorist handlers, Homeland's Brody takes respite at a weekend political fundraiser. But trouble follows him there, as he finds out his wife knows he killed Tom Walker and that his daughter hid the fact that she and Finn killed a woman in a hit-and-run. What's the only thing that can calm his nerves? A quick match of tonsil hockey with Carrie! But even that doesn't do the trick, as Brody begins to wonder if Carrie is playing him. "Two minutes with you and I feel good. How do you pull that off?" he asks. We think the better question is: How does she fill up cork boards so quickly?
2. Funniest Prank: It's hard to imagine anything scaring a 6-foot-5, 275-pound former football player, but Hayden Panettiere proves us wrong on Live! With Kelly and Michael. After sharing that she has two pet corn snakes, the Nashville star says that she brought one and tosses a snake at Michael Strahan. Strahan freaks out and runs around the studio screaming before falling to his knees. The good news? The snake is fake. Not that that does anything to assuage Strahan's terror. "Don't you dare do that! ... I almost had a heart attack," he says. "I'd rather have a 400-pound man try to run me over instead." At least he knows who might have concocted the prank: "Gelman, I know you were behind this." Time for revenge?
1. Most Chilling Unmasking: You just knew it was too easy when Dr. Thredson helped Lana sneak out of Briarcliff Manor and into his bachelor pad on American Horror Story: Asylum. That's because the good bad doctor is Bloody Face! And now he has Lana right where he wants her: chained in his murder house next to the rotting corpse of her lover Wendy. Don't worry, Lana's still alive — and has all her teeth — for now...
What were your top moments?