Our top moments of the week:
13. Worst Meltdown: The Power of Veto competition gives Zach one last chance to save himself in the Big Brother house and, as usual, he is over-confident. After failing to line up the comic books correctly, Zach throws a tantrum, stomping around, screaming and throwing props. "My mind is all jibble, jabble, joggle, jigga craggle. My game is just falling into shambles," he whines. And he's right. This fruit loop dingus' time was the longest out of all the competitors, save Victoria (who times-out the competition).
12. Worst Timing: After a romantic evening stroll, Roy asks Jamie whether she is taking the job back in her native New York on Reckless. She explains that she likes "people here," and Roy finally gets up the courage to kiss her. She (obviously) kisses back but then suddenly pulls away and tells him that they can't because her client Lee Anne's case has been reinstated, which means Jamie and Roy are on opposing sides ... again. We object!
11. Worst Blown Cover: Auggie's lady problem on Covert Affairs gets a bit more complicated after he convinces Hayley, who's still investigating the Chicago bombing, to keep her discovery of Annie's heart condition under wraps. But when Hayley heads over to his place later, she spies (heh) Auggie outside arguing with his fugitive ex Tash, who's taking off again. Judging by next week's preview, someone's secret is out in the open.
10. Best Pharaoh: Forget about walking like an Egyptian! On So You Think You Can Dance, Emilio channels one of the ancient kings with a Nappytabs hip-hop routine that shows what it's like to pop, tut, twerk and "get low" like an Egyptian. He also snake-charms his serpentine partner (all-star Jasmine) to come out and play, but in a cheeky role reversal ends up slithering his way into the snake basket with a risky move "that could've gone all kinds of wrong," according to Mary Murphy.
9. Best Hug: The Leftovers pauses the action once again to focus on a single character: This time it's Nora Durst during her trip to Manhattan for a conference. After hunting down a woman who is impersonating her and having a war of words with an author who wrote a bestseller about losing his family in the Sudden Departure, Nora is offered a chance meeting with none other than Holy Wayne. After he diagnoses Nora's adverse relationship with hope (and gives her one of his $1,000 healing hugs), Nora returns to her life, seemingly able to move and forget about the husband and two children she lost. Is Wayne for real? Who knows, but at least we got to see some people smile this week!
8. Worst Team Player: On Halt and Catch Fire's (series?) finale, Joe MacMillan offers a literal interpretation of the AMC drama's title. Despite selling enough units of the Cardiff Giant to make the company profitable, Joe still wrestles with his decision to strip out the machine's unique operating system. After failing to create an application to ship with the machine (and failing to reconcile with Cameron), Joe begrudgingly accepts that he's made just another IBM... or not. On the night of the launch party, Joe steals the truck containing the symbolic first shipment of the Giant, drives out into the middle of nowhere and sets the truck on fire. Even worse, dude forgot to bring marshmallows!
7. Worst Loss: You knew something bad was coming on Rizzoli & Isles after Jane gives her vest to Tasha, a teen who had witnessed a contract killing and was just shot by the hitman. Jane tracks him down and attacks him, but he proves to be too big and too strong for her, beating her up and punching the pregnant detective right in the belly. Korsak comes to the rescue right before he whacks her with a pipe, but, unfortunately, the damage has already has already been done.
6. Best Roar: In John Oliver's latest Last Week Tonight rant, he unleashes his claws when attacking the greed and inherent conflict of interest in native advertising. To drive his point home, he compares the practice to reluctantly enjoying a good Katy Perry song because "it still feels wrong." But the real magic happens when he starts reciting the lyrics to "Roar," accompanied by delightful cat-clawing gestures. He admits, "There's a 12-year-old girl inside me that's empowered by that song." And he ain't "lion"!
5. Best Reconciliation: It's been days since Sookie's boyfriend Alcide was murdered, but that may as well be years by True Blood's standards, at least when it comes to the time it takes bounce back from grief. After her great-great-fairy grandfather reveals that he can do nothing to save the ailing Bill, the vamp and Sookie reunite for one last romp in the sack before his inevitable death by Hep-V. We're still trying to figure out how the cure will find its way to Bill so he can recover, because he can't die, right? Right?!
4. Worst Denial: On the second part of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion, Ramona Singer stops being polite, but sadly, refuses to start getting real with Andy Cohen about her husband's rumored infidelity. When Countess LuAnn de Lesseps tries to offer her support after her own husband cheated on her several years ago, Singer simply replies, "It's allegations." However, Singer really loses it when Cohen tries to ask about whether Singer's friends have been there for her. "It's a personal matter. I want this closed down," she says tersely. "Stop it, Andy." Someone get this newly single lady a Pinot Grigio STAT!
3. Worst Treatment of a Prisoner: Marco Ruiz may have refrained from killing his son's murderer, David Tate on The Bridge, but their encounter likely leaves Tate wishing for death.Earlier in the episode,Tate has his left eye unceremoniously removed with what appears to be a pair of pliers in a prison attack. As he lies recuperating, Marco decides to spare his life, but isn't completely merciful.He instead tortures the serial killer by jamming his thumb into the bandage that's covering Tate's now-empty eye socket. Out, vile jelly indeed. As the camera zooms in on blood spurting out, we find ourselves envying Tate's inability to see.
2. Best New Job: Bill gives Doug a piece of his mind — and his fist — on Masters of Sex after Doug and their fellow doctors pull up for front-row seats (with Chinese food) to watch a woman masturbate for Bill's research project, which, of course, gets Bill fired. "By the time I'm off the telephone tomorrow morning, there's not going to be a single hospital in the Midwest that's going to let you so much as step through their doors," Doug says. Oh, but there is. Bill gets a new gig at Buell Green Hospital, a black hospital that is more than happy to hire Virginia as well. Historical spoiler alert: This didn't happen in real life, but we totally approve of this poetic license.
1. Best Name-Drop: Stephen Colbert has some issues with Hillary Clinton's memoir Hard Choices. "This book is 656 pages of shameless name-dropping," he complains on The Colbert Report (sample: "Here, Bono sits with me at the piano.") "There is no way on Earth one woman can be in so many places at once." Enter Clinton herself. "Now who's a name-dropper, Stephen?" she asks. The two engage in a brag-tastic game of name-dropping one-upmanship, in which we learn Hillz is tighter with Oprah than Colbert, despite their camping trip ("'O' is just what all her real friends call Oprah," she tells him.) Colbert thinks he has it won when he boasts about having done an entire show with President Bill Clinton." "I hate to break this to you, Stephen," she says. "But I've met him too."
What were your top moments?