Our top moments of the week:
13. Worst 'Do: On Bethenny Ever After, Bethenny and Jason travel to his tiny Pennsylvania hometown, where she meets Brian, one of Jason's close friends. Brian, a die-hard Bon Jovi fan who is wearing an "I Heart Hot Moms" shirt, explains that he gets his hair bleached in Philadelphia to to look like his idol, Jon Bon Jovi. Bethenny speaks for all of us when she asks: "Brian drives 120 miles to get his hair done, and this is what [he comes] back with?"
12. Most Deceitful: After Mrs. Marin discovers that secret-houseguest-turned-boyfriend Caleb is living downstairs on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna and Caleb run away to the woods for the night, where they get bi-zay with unburdening Hanna of her pesky virginity. It's almost romantic, until we learn that Caleb is involved in a plot against Hanna.
11. Worst Tease: The sexual tension between Dan and Blair has been building for weeks (years, some Gossip Girl fans might argue). So when they decide to test their "secret friendship" with a kiss, we're all waiting with bated breath. They lean in, lips touch and... fade to black in a brutal cliff-hanger that would have outraged the actual Gossip Girl.
10. Best Back-Up Plan: Now that Jon Cryer has some free time on his hands (see Nos. 7 and 1), he takes a job as Ellen DeGeneres' receptionist ("I needed the work," he explains.) Cryer looks at his computer and groans, "What a train wreck," in a way that tells us he's not actually talking about Ellen's hectic schedule. Then again, maybe we've just had too much chocolate milk. Winning!
9. Hottest Distraction: For the first time in the history of the series, two humans appear to have had sex on V. After Hobbes promises to help Erica get her kid back from the Visitors, she thanks him with her definition of "bliss."
8. Most Self-Sacrificing: Though her BAU colleagues are coming closer to learning about her Interpol past with IRA baddie Ian Doyle (albeit with a very poor Irish accent) on Criminal Minds, Prentiss still refuses to tell them anything. Instead, while Hotch is delivering Doyle's profile, a teary-eyed Prentiss takes a final, poignant look at each of her team members before slipping out the door, certain that this punishment is only hers to bear.
7. Least Medically Sound Explanation, Part I: When Today's Jeff Rossen asks Charlie Sheen how he avoids slipping back into addiction, he says he doesn't need Alcoholics Anonymous because "it was written for normal people, people that aren't special, people that don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA." We're going to go out on a limb and assume that this is something not sold in stores, or in the history of mankind?
6. Most Deserving Blindside: Just when viewers think Survivor mega-villain Russell Hantz has manipulated yet another patsy into switching their vote, Julie fakes him out and forces a three-way tie. After the re-vote, Russell becomes the first person from his team sent to Redemption Island this season. Parting is such sweet sorrow, except when you're one of the most hated players in the history of the game. Then it's just good TV.
5. Best Foreshadowing: American Idol technically kicked off in January, but Pia Toscano gets the real competition started Wednesday with a moving rendition of the Pretenders' "I'll Stand by You." Steven Tyler gives her a standing ovation, but his nonsensical critique — "After Monday and Tuesday, even a week says WTF," he says — offering us a peek at the confusion and heartbreak ahead... for the audience.
4. Winning-est Impression: Who knew Jimmy Fallon had a Charlie Sheen impression up his sleeve? The Late Night host — who, now that we think about it, actually looks a lot like Sheen — does a spot-on take of the actor in a mock ad for a new cologne called Winning. (Duh!) In a haze of cigarette smoke and our favorite new Sheen solipsisms, Fallon also offers up some new bilingual (bi-winning?) material: "What's my real name? Carlos Estevez. ¿Cómo se dice 'winning'?"
3. Worst Timing: Trapped in a freezer storage unit on Castle and seemingly near death, Beckett decides it's time to tell the writer how she really feels about him in a moment far more intimate than their faux kiss: "I just want you to know how much I l—," she says, before passing out. So close, but yet so far — especially since Josh pops back in the picture to save the day. Sigh.
2. Best Send-Up: It's Toddlers & Tiaras... & Tom! In Jimmy Kimmel Live's hilarious spoof of the TLC series, Tom Hanks introduces his "daughter" Sophie (played by actress Nikki Hahn), who he's training for the Miss Ultimate Sexy Baby pageant. Between "sexy feet" training, Sophie's towering, Bratz doll-like hair, and a totally inappropriate rendition of Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me," the frighteningly accurate parody is, um, the "total package." Plus, we're kind of in awe of Hanks' impressive baton-twirling skills.
1. Least Medically Sound Explanation, Part II: By now, unless you've been living under a rock, everyone knows Charlie Sheen loves "winning." So, we guess it kind of makes sense that when ABC News' Andrea Canning asks him if he's bipolar, Sheen happily replies that he's "bi-winning." Can we also get some bi-test results to back up that bi-explanation?
What were your top moments of the week?