Our top moments of the week:
13. Biggest Buzzkill: When The Voice's Carson Daly asks Adam Levine for his opinion on Team Christina singer Jesse Campbell, Christina Aguilera is all too ready to come to her singer's defense and warns Adam not to criticize too harshly, saying, "Payback's a b----." Adam — who was only trying to compliment Jesse — is gobsmacked by Christina's reaction. Adding fuel to the fire, Christina calmly asks Jesse: "Aren't you glad that you have the only sober coach up here?" Irony!
12. Most Annoying Screaming Match: Wanna know what a Real Housewives reunion on speed looks like? Then check out the Watch What Happens Live All-Star Party. In a Real Housewives Battle Royale, Andy Cohen pits East Coast vs. West Coast, quizzing them on "their favorite two subjects — themselves and each other." Naturally, things quickly spiral out of control into a series of eardrum-bursting, indecipherable shrills that miffs even the usually good-natured Andy. "Calm down!" he orders. "You wanna know what it's like doing a reunion show? This is what it's like." But wait — it gets worse. Melissa Gorga and LuAnn de Lesseps follow by each giving live-ish performances of their respective singles "On Display" and "Money Can't Buy You Class." Warning: Have some earplugs handy before you watch any of these videos.
11. Green with Envy Award: On Desperate Housewives, Lynette enters the next phase of Operation Win Back Estranged Husband by baking Tom his favorite cake for his birthday: red velvet dyed green (an inside joke). However, when Tom's girlfriend Jane stops by, ostensibly to drop off the kids' books, but also to wave Tom's signed divorce papers in Lynette's face, Lynette — in a fit of rage — slathers green food icing on to Jane's immaculate white suit. That'll teach her to wear white after Labor Day.
10. Best Self-Sacrifice: On House of Lies, Jeannie knows the only way to stop the merger and save the pod is to reveal the Rainmaker's extensive sexual harassment at the company. But without sufficient evidence involving any of the Rainmaker's other bedfellows, Jeannie is forced to admit that she slept with the boss to get on the fast track to partnership. Her honesty motivates the other ladies to come forward, but it does a number on her dignity. Way to take one for the team.
9. Missed Connections Award: Just weeks after Penny's therapist tells her that she may have feelings for Dave on Happy Endings, the two exchange "I love you's" after her failed love connection with Chris (guest star Brian Austin Green). Later, while Penny and Chris jam out to Mandonna (Max's Madonna cover band), Dave and Alex watch, holding hands. Do we have a love triangle on our hands? Or are Dave and Penny better off with their new/old connections? Twist! It's the cliff-hanger! You'll have to wait until Season 3 to find out... if the show gets renewed, that is.
8. Weirdest Alibi: Nick finds himself the victim of his own promiscuity on New Girl when his one-night-stand from earlier in the week comes by to retrieve her scarf, only to discover Nick's latest conquest wearing said scarf. Since he's a horrible liar, Winston — in need of some peace and quiet — jumps in to tell both girls that he and Nick have been carrying on a secret affair and the two girls quickly exit. Guess three's a crowd?
7. Lamest Walkout: After clashing with Aubrey O'Day during Celebrity Apprentice's Walk with Walgreens task — and biting his tongue at such barbs as "Arsenio, you could be the person who took a walk away from the industry for a while" — project manager Arsenio Hall finally her calls out in the boardroom (and afterward) for her obnoxiousness and self-absorption. "Everything is you and 'I'," he says, while she squirms and cries. Aubrey can apparently only dish it out and not take it. While her team returns to the suite, Aubrey heads to the elevator, narrating, "I don't wanna be around all the negativity anymore. It's not the reason why I came here. The environment is so unhealthy and ugly. I just don't know if this is the right place for me." Spoiler alert: She stays.
6. Hottest Rear End(ing): When Amanda accidentally rear-ends another car, she gets a good look at a very nice rear end on GCB. The person Amanda hits is Carlene's younger brother, Luke, who is not wearing any pants or underwear because he spilled hot coffee on himself. (Okaaaay...) But that doesn't stop him from getting out of the car butt-naked to assess the damage — and giving single ladies everywhere new incentive to not obey traffic laws. Who knew a fender-bender could be so easy on the eyes?
5. Strangest Meltdown: Dancing with the Stars' storytelling week is arguably the weepiest, most exploitative two hours of television you'll ever see. We hear sob stories about losing loved ones, reuniting with long-lost children, overcoming injuries, fulfilling dreams against all odds, escaping Communist countries... and playing Stefan Urquelle? Yup, Jaleel White's most memorable year was when he played Urkel's ultra-suave ladies' man alter ego on Family Matters because people started treating him differently afterward. That may be true, but it's not exactly enough to warrant a breakdown. "That's my Mickey Mouse moment. ... I love entertaining people. ... I just wanted to complete this week," Jaleel sobs to Brooke Burke after his dance. Guess you do whatever you can to elicit sympathy after blowing up in your partner's face — and not denying that it happened.
4. Full Circle Award: One Tree Hill bids adieu after nine years by taking viewers to the past and future. Referencing an earlier scene in the episode, the final moment flashes-forward to a teenaged Jamie Scott, aka jersey No. 12 on the Ravens. He has surpassed his dad Nathan's all-time basketball scoring record at Tree Hill High, as proud parents Nathan and Haley and his sister Lydia; Brooke and Julian and their twins; Mouth and a pregnant Millicent; Quinn, Clay and their son Logan; Chase; Chris Keller; and reunited couple Skills and Bevin cheer him on during a game. And so the Scott tradition continues, even though we won't be able to see it.
3. Dreamiest Death: Trust the Spartacus: Vengeance finale to horrify us with deaths both graphically gory and bloodlessly implied. Four major cast members bite the Roman dust, including Gaius Claudius Glaber and Lucretia. And while the praetor fails miserably at sword-swallowing — meeting his end on Spartacus' blade — the deranged former domina takes fate into her own hands. After cutting Ilithyia's baby forcibly from the womb, Lucretia takes the child and tumbles, slowly, elegantly over a cliff in order to create a family in the afterlife with her dead husband Batiatus. That's just taking cradle-robbing to a whole other level.
2. Biggest Reveal: How will Mad Men deal with January Jones' pregnancy? Write it in? Hide her belly behind boxes? Nope! Instead, Matthew Weiner & Co. make Betty fat, lounging on the couch in what can only be described as a king-sized duvet and eating Bugles that are probably too small for her fingers. The former model packed on the pounds out of boredom and depression — not because of a suspected tumor that turns out to be benign. Still, the sight of a hefty Betty is particularly jarring, especially when her extra-large self gets out of the tub (the work of a body double). But now that her cancer scare's out of the way, maybe she should put down the sundaes and pick up some placenta pills?
1. Best Hail Mary: While trying to solve a case at a prison on Bones, Brennan goes into labor, natch. Booth does his best to get his baby mama to the hospital in time, but Brennan feels the baby coming and forces him to pull over at a tiny inn. But there's literally no room at the inn, so Bones delivers in the horse stable in the back — much like Jesus. Is this the producers' way of telling us the Bones baby was born via immaculate conception? After all, we never actually saw them do the nasty.
What were your top moments?