Our top moments of the week:
14. The Miracle of Breastfeeding, Part 1: On Beverly Hills Nannies, veteran "manny" Justin isn't prepared when stay-at-home mom Marika asks him to organize her breast milk by date and ounces in a "dead-body deep-freezer of milk." "Are you stocking up for the apocalypse?" Justin asks upon seeing it already halfway filled with his boss' breast-crements. Marika is offended that Justin is so squeamish about her hoard milk, but shouldn't she have been more concerned if he hadn't been?
13. Most Heartbreaking Diagnosis: It's bad enough when Divya discovers her father face-down and unconscious in their family pool on Royal Pains, but once a distraught Divya examines her father, she realizes that his injuries indicate that he fell from a significant height, perhaps indicating that he attempted suicide after his wife left him and his recent fight with Divya. As she recites the facts to Hank, she breaks down and says it's all her fault. If only HankMed could fix broken hearts...
12. Most Eco-Friendly Dance Routine: Paper or plastic? Fanny's students on Bunheads address this nagging question with an environmentally conscious dance that chronicles the battle between nature and "the forces of evil" (aka a supermarket cashier). Sadly, the hero, dressed hilariously as a canvas tote, enters too late to save nature from the overwhelming supply of non-renewable resources. As Truly tells Fanny afterwards, "When the eco-system broke down, so did I."
11. Best Laid Plans: Political Animals' Elaine Barrish has embraced being Secretary of State after losing the White House to President Garcetti. But after one hell of a day — in which she shows substantial vulnerability to her mortal enemy, journalist Susan Berg, about her son's attempted suicide — Elaine steels herself for a different journey. "Can you keep a secret, Clark?" she asks her Secret Service driver. "That's my job," he says. "I'm going to run for president again, and this time I'm gonna win," she says. Barrish 2012!
10. Best Meeting of the Minds: Talk-show bookers have the best senses of humor! Why else would former Speaker of the House and presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich share the Tonight Show couch with Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi? After exchanging pleasantries (he's never seen Jersey Shore), the two bond over both being New York Times bestselling authors before talk turns to Snooki's wedding and bachelor parties. "Did you have strippers [at yours]?" she asks Gingrich. "No," he promptly answers. "I feel like in some ways my life has been deprived now that I've listened to you."
9. Most Emotional Sequence: When U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords is shot by a crazed gunman, The Newsroom eschews showing us the actual drudgery of news reporting and instead launches into an incredibly overwrought, mostly silent montage of tense phone calls and copy-desk sprints. The whole thing is scored by Coldplay's maudlin "Fix You," (which TV producers love using), and the net effect is... melodramatic and schmaltzy. Stick with the dialogue, Sorkin. Words is your business.
8. The Miracle of Breastfeeding, Part 2: On Strange Sex, Jeff, a 34-year-old father of two gets aroused by nursing on his wife Michelle's breast milk. "I just latched on and the milk started flowing," he says. "I had to stop because otherwise I would have finished right then and there." (Yes, he means finished.) It turns out that, in addition to their 2-year-old and 8-month-old, Michelle's been nursing Jeff for a year-and-a-half, and she says she's willing to lactate for another 20 years for the sake of their sex life. Milk: It does a body good.
7. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back Award: In the final moments of White Collar's second episode, everything appears to be back to normal. Neal is back in New York at his old desk wearing his monitoring anklet. But don't break out the champagne just yet. Peter's trip to Cape Verde to help Neal has effectively gotten him kicked off of the white-collar unit. So he'll no longer be working with Neal, the man he ran halfway around the world to protect. At least Peter always has a backup career as a bartender!
6. Snappiest Comeback: On The Bachelorette Men Tell All special, Kalon gives a half-assed apology to Emily for having called her daughter Ricki "baggage." "I would like to apologize for the way things transpired," he says, most likely expecting her to accept. But Emily is a "West Virginia hood rat." "You, my dear," she starts sweetly, "should be a politician because that's the biggest load of sh-- I've ever heard." Emily 2, Kalon, 0.
5. We Hardly Knew Ya Award, Part 1: She secretly made a sex tape with John Ross and then lied about holding his girlfriend hostage. So we don't exactly feel bad for Dallas' Marta Del Sol, er, we mean con artist Veronica Martinez. But John Ross is still shocked and horrified to find her dead body lying on top of a car just moments after he fought with her in a high-rise hotel room. John Ross is prime suspect No. 1, but at least he doesn't have to worry about any more of those surprise videotapes?
4. Best Substitute: After scheduled Emmy nominations presenter Nick Offerman couldn't make it to L.A., Emmys host Jimmy Kimmel steps in to co-announce with Kerry Washington — and he does not disappoint. Dressed in head-to-toe pajamas ("This is from the Husky Baby Collection"), he snarks on the ungodly 5:40 a.m./PT announcement time, deadpanning: "This could be just as good at noon. Really."
3. Worst Talent Show: To let his fellow houseguests get to know him better, Big Brother's creepy nerd Ian decides to show them his special talent. The players gather around to watch as Ian dazzles them by... kicking himself in the face. "Anything that helps them see the fun side of me definitely helps me stay in this game longer," Ian reasons. However, his useless stunt fails to impress his coach Mike Boogie. "Hey America, please kick me in the face," he whines. Remember, kids: Don't try this at home — or on national TV.
2. Best Flash-Forward: Breaking Bad kicks off its fifth and final season with one hell of a look into the future. A shaggy-looking Walt — beard and all — orders breakfast at Denny's and rearranges the bacon to make the number "52" — for his 52nd birthday. (The series started on his 50th birthday.) But that is not even the most revealing part of the flash forward: He uses Skyler's maiden name Lambert as an alias and is pretending to be a New Hampshire resident. But he hasn't exactly changed. In the Denny's restroom, we see him purchase a large machine gun. What's he gonna do with the artillery? That remains to be seen.
1. We Hardly Knew Ya Award, Part 2: HBO crowed about snagging Christopher Meloni for his first post-SVU role, but his run on True Blood appears to comes to an abrupt end when Russell Edgington gets the upper hand on Roman and stakes him in the final moments of the episode. After playing macho cop Stabler for years, Meloni's portrayal of the Authority Guardian was maybe a little too subdued — so it's a shame that we never got to see Roman's rage. So... how soon before Stabler suits up again?
What were your top moments?