Our top moments of the week:
12. Shot Through the Gut Award: On House, the newly single doc has some fun with hookers and his hotel room service guy, Carnell, when he attempts to shoot an apple off one of his latest conquest's head, William Tell-style, with a bow and arrow. Despite Carnell's pleas to stop, House fires the arrow — into the girl's stomach, unleashing a pool of red liquid. No worries — the blood was fake, and the bow and arrow was rigged. Carnell, you just got punk'd!
11. Biggest Cry for Help: Steven Tyler has shown his unique appreciation for the English language since he first sat down at the American Idol judges' table, but, at this point, we're starting to worry. When he tries to applaud Karen Rodriguez for singing "Love Will Lead You Back" in English and Spanish, he instead compliments her on her "ethnic what-it-is-ness." How many millions of dollars does this show make again? And Fox can't afford a dictionary?
10. Land of the Lost Award: On The Amazing Race, the teams have nearly 12 hours to drive themselves to Narita Airport for a pre-booked flight. Everyone makes it there except for Kent and Vyxsin, who inexplicably drive in the opposite direction for seven hours. We'd forgive them if they didn't go on to run the most inept leg we've ever seen, between Vyxsin's Roadblock emotional breakdown and losing their passports — twice.
9. Best Flashback: To complement his "hottie body hump club" workout program, Jimmy Kimmel introduces his new "Jim-Miracle Diet," a "communigorging calorestriction system" where Kimmel basically pre-eats four-fifths of someone's food to reduce their caloric intake. The infomercial is another excuse for Kimmel to call in favors from his hot actress friends, like Heidi Klum and Zoe Saldana, but the best guest is Neil Patrick Harris, who pops up in a doctor's coat to explain the science of the diet while the Doogie Howser theme song plays in the background. Science can be fun!
8. Unfunniest Situation: Talk about a grenade. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino bombs hard during the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump, awkwardly delivering unfunny jokes ("Larry King is old" is as ancient as the guy himself) and misguided insults (Trump owns a lot of property and Snoop Dogg's ancestors had once been property). "You and me have a lot in common, buddy," Sorrentino tells Jeff Ross. "We're both from Jersey, and tonight's my first night doing comedy." "It's also your last night," Ross retorts. From Ross' mouth to God's ears.
7. Most Awkward Ice-Breaker: In the wake of his much publicized sex scandal, Tiger Woods had avoided the talk show circuit since 2009. So when he makes his big return on Late Night, Jimmy Fallon feels it is his duty to thank Woods for all the great comedy material. "I mean, balls, shafts, holes, foursomes. It really writes itself." Oh, so that's why Tiger cheated on his wife with those women. For the comedy!
6. A Time to Kill Award: The season finale of V turns into one huge bloodbath: Anna kills her own mother, Ryan's daughter kills him and Tyler is murdered by Lisa's new evil twin (so to speak). If that's not enough, Anna and Ryan's daughter blissed the entire world, leaving nearly all humans at a standstill. If the alien drama doesn't return for a third season, that's one helluva way to go out.
5. Best Use of Technology: In Parks and Recreation's spoof of Taiwan's animated news videos, the local TV station in Pawnee, Ind., creates a computer-animated video for their "Curse Watch" coverage of the Harvest Festival. The video shows Leslie Knope refuse a local Native American tribal leader who then dances in her office until ghosts rise from the ceiling and take over her body, turning her eyes red and her face into a dark skull. "Is that what happened?" the TV anchor asks. "That is exactly what happened," the tribal leader responds. Imagine if Leslie had actually done something offensive.
4. Best Fake Death: In the biggest and baddest stake since the days of Buffy, Prentiss gets impaled by Doyle in her final Criminal Minds episode, and we (and most of the BAU team) are led to believe she's dead. Alas, she's alive, kicking and still biting her nails, as JJ hands her new IDs and money in Paris to send her on her merry way. Now the question is: Will we ever see her again?
3. Most Insensitive: Yeah, Dionne Warwick has a war of words with booted Celebrity Apprentice wannabe Lisa Rinna, but her most callous moment comes when she dismisses Marlee Matlin's idea to create a children's book about deafness because kids are "not ready for that kind of diversity." She then proceeds to talk to the actress' interpreter, Jack Jason, instead of Matlin, who gives the crooner the deadliest of death stares. If looks could kill, indeed!
2. Best Long-Awaited Kiss: Blaine has been referred to as "Kurt's boyfriend" by the media since he first sang show tunes on Glee. Yet all we've seen is Blaine profess his love to a Gap employee and get his "world rocked" by Rachel Berry, all while Kurt lusts after his teenage dream. So when Blaine finally tells Kurt he realized "I've been looking for you forever" and kisses Kurt, it feels like the sweet reward for a long wait. What would be even sweeter? If they're named prom king and king.
1. Worst "I Love You": The Bachelor may have ended with Brad's romantic proposal to Emily, but the After the Final Rose special was anything but lovey-dovey. First, Emily says she was shocked to find out Brad had romantic moments with other women (uh, have you never seen this show?), causing them to temporarily split while the season was airing. Then, when Chris Harrison asks her if she would marry Brad today, she quickly snaps: "Right now in this instant, I love you, but no." What's that Bachelor track record look like again?
What were your top moments?