Low-Key Globes Still a High Time

If you think of Hollywood as high school, only with fewer zits and bigger allowances, then the Academy Awards ceremony is, in essence, graduation day. It's a stuffy affair where mooning is discouraged and a year's worth of hard work pays off for a select few in commencement to the next level — which, in this case, means getting added to Steven Spielberg's speed-dial rather than being admitted to Harvard. By contrast, the Golden Globes get-together is, for all practical purposes, prom night, an anything-goes keg party at which it truly doesn't matter whether you win or lose — it's all about how you play, period. In fact, until we couch potatoes start handicapping the Oscar nominees for our office pools, we're likelier to laugh together about which Golden Globe victor gave the best reaction shot than we are which one most deserved his or her statuette. And, of course, we vote on our class favorites. Based on last night's briskly-paced yet relatively low-key live broadcast of the 59th annual blowout, here are our picks for:

Most likely to moonlight as stand-up comics: Jennifer Garner and Harrison Ford. The Alias actress expressed her amazement that boss J.J. Abrams cast her as his series's lead by cracking, "I know I was good in Dude, Where's My Car?, but seriously!" Later, lifetime-achievement recipient Ford deadpanned, "Since I thought it might be a long night, I'll give you the short [version of my speech]: Thank you." (He also went on to reveal the long version: "Thank you very much.") Most likely to guest star on Crossing Over with John Edward: Judy Davis and James Franco. In their acceptance speeches, they both thanked the late greats that they portrayed, Judy Garland and James Dean, respectively. Most likely to need a hairdresser: Kate Winslet and Renée Zellweger. We don't insist that celluloid goddesses always look like they just stepped out of a salon, but, with their limp, uncombed tresses, these two looked like they had never set foot in one. What, are there no SuperCuts in Beverly Hills? Most likely to fire their hairdressers: Judy Davis and John Cameron Mitchell. Judging from her disastrous, choppy 'do, we could only assume that Davis's barber had discovered a terrible new use for those big Olive Garden salad bowls. Mitchell, meanwhile, sported a punk pompadour that even his wild-maned Hedwig and the Angry Inch character would have deemed too Sha Na Na. Most likely to fire their stylists: Sela Ward and Audrey Tautou. Clothes horse Ward tripped up by donning a freakish red gown that had — oopsie — two bikini tops. For her fashion faux pas, Amelie ingenue Tatou presented in what appeared to be a black shawl that had lost a fight with a lawnmower. Most likely to give their stylists a raise: Halle Berry and Carrie-Anne Moss. The Monster's Ball head turner looked absolutely scrumptious in a chocolate number that accentuated her killer curves, while The Matrix action figure kicked butt, figuratively speaking, in a knockout burgundy gown. Most likely to have heard the evening's best gossip: Robert Downey Jr. On approaching the mike to present, he teased, "Things were getting evil in the green room" — and, heaven knows, if there is one thing that the ex-convict ought to know about, it's evil. Most likely to have voted for herself: Helen Mirren. Until she realized what she was doing, the Gosford Park co-star applauded heartily when her own name was called as a contender. Most likely to go home and work on her poker face: Jennifer Aniston. Did she dislike the clip representing Friends for best comedy series, or what? When the camera cut to her immediately afterward, her sour puss suggested that her wine had turned into vinegar. Most likely to have retained a voice coach: Ryan Phillippe. In his turn at the dais, he affected a baritone that was so deep that, at first, we thought he was kidding. Guess it's never too late to finish up puberty. Most likely to get some nookie after the show: Charlie Sheen and James Franco. Once the Spin City funnyman's name was announced as a winner, fiancée Denise Richards whispered something in his ear that made him go, "Wow." Think about it — what makes a boy as naughty as Charlie Sheen go, "Wow"?! For his part, Franco wisely thanked "my girl Marla [Sokoloff, from The Practice] for putting up with so much." Most likely to have gotten some nookie during the show: Cameron Diaz and Jared Leto. Between awards, the lovebirds were spotted dashing to their seats. And, given our druthers, we'd prefer to think that they were canoodling, not sneaking out for cigarettes. Most likely to someday rival Tinseltown: England. True, there were enough Australians attending the 2002 bash that the powers that be refused to let them all sit together. "We would have been too rowdy," Nicole Kidman joked to Dick Clark between commercials. However, Great Britain also made a fine showing — and got the best punch lines of the three-hour back-slap. Shortly before Sir Ian McKellen dryly stated that he was "representing the very small group of British actors who are not in Gosford Park," the murder mystery's director, Robert Altman, introduced his ensemble thusly: "Everybody from Britain in this room, please stand up."