Lost
I wanna have 10 of J.J. Abrams' babies. Dag, my head is still spinning from this wild ride. I mean, between the falling tail wing, seeing Alias's poor Greg Grunberg skinned alive, moody Matthew Fox sewing himself up and all the flashbacks, I don't know which end of the plane wreck is up, down or being attacked by some monster. And what the hell was that, anyway? A Sleestack on 'roids? They all may be in the land of the Lost, but I just found myself a new addiction.

Smallville
And now, it's time for Six Degrees of Superman!
Megababe Erica Durance blows into the fourth-season opener as Lois Lane, whose big-screen portrayer — and former tabloid headline — Margot Kidder, guest-stars as a doctor who helps Martha, played by Annette O'Toole, who was Lana Lang in Superman III, while TV's Lana is off romancing some guy in Paris, just like Brenda Walsh, who hooked up with Dean Cain, who played... that's right! You just know the folks at that staff meeting had too much fun, right? And speaking of fun, Clark flew! Thankfully, he also got his memory back after that mind-scrambling trip to Krypton. Now maybe he'll be able to remember that his unrequited sweetie is a dead end and get a little sumpin' sumpin' cookin' with the Daily Planet's future all-star. Now, that's what I'm talkin' about.

America's Next Top Model
Tyra Banks, I am so feelin' you about Diva Eva. Miss Nasty trots out the tears and embraces her broken inner child? Of course she deserves a spot in the top 14. We call that mess "good TV." The others, they OK, whatever. Liked the blind one, though her big announcement was a bit drama-queeny, and plus-size Toccara is just cool enough for me to get past the name. As for the others, they're gonna have to cut it out. Trust me. It was hard enough growing up with all The Omen jokes. Ain't no need to inspire someone to saddle their kid with a Norelle, YaYa or Jennapher. Not that they've got a chance, anyway. Leah's obviously why God made runways. Well, her and Tom Ford, but that's another story.

Veronica Mars
What fun. Buffy meets Nancy Drew. But instead of vamps, this quippy cutie's got to deal with cliquey high schoolers and cheating spouses. Which are about as demonic when you think about it. And though I'm totally digging Kristen Bell as the private-eye antiprom queen of Neptune, Calif.— as well as Enrico Colantoni as her sort-of-creepy pop — the date-rape plot and her mama's link to the Lily Kane murder prove that this is more than typical kids' stuff. Kudos to UPN for finally getting a scripted drama that's worth watching. Extra points for using the Streets as background music and quoting The Outsiders during the biker-prep showdown. Be cool, Sodapop. And stay gold, Miss Mars.

The Bachelor
"Chicks are as bad as dudes. They always pick the hot guy." — My roomie's boyfriend
OK, everyone who realized that Jay was doomed as soon as Chris Harrison announced that the ladies had to pick between the good-guy realtor and Shadoe Stevens' sexier look-alike Byron, raise your hand. Now, put it in front of your face, because Season 6 is gonna be a fright as long as wretched Krysta is around. And here I thought Kelly's French bulldog, Lola, would be the biggest bitch of the house. Ugh. Seriously, why do women go on these shows? They all come off as wimps, psychos or sluts, and that blond nightmare has all three in spades. Not to mention a few things that probably need a salve. Of course, I'll need to check with Bachelor fan extraordinaire Carie of Philadelphia about this, but I'm liking brunet Amanda. Then again, this is our first meeting. We'll have to wait to see which Kristis, Colleens and Trash, I mean, Trishes linger behind all the batting eyelashes and massive breasts. Let the binge drinking and backbiting begin!

Raise Your Voice Commercial
Hilary Duff, you are no Coco Hernandez and this is no Fame. So until you sing the body electric, how about shutting your mouth instead?

CSI: NY
Life — and death — lessons from the newest CSI in town:
1. Never accept a smoke from a New York cabbie — unless you're looking to light up some embalming-fluid-soaked tobacco laced with PCP. Then that's on you.
2. Brain hemorrhages — not pretty.
3. Melina Kanakarades — pretty. Her hair alone deserves its own opening credit.
4. Gary Sinise does dour better than almost anyone.
5. Mad Russian doctors experimenting on women out of basements in Queens are rarely doing "God's work."
6. When left in a coma by said mad Russian doctor, blink once for "No," stroke out for "He did it!!!!"
7. Law & Order has some serious competition.
Not gonna lie. This new one's a little grim. Hell, a lotta grim. And that's cool 'cause this franchise has always been sicker than your average cop show. Can it take L&O? Good question. It's got a great cast and tons of atmosphere. We'll find out soon enough. The good thing is, with so many Big Apple cops running around at this hour of the night, whichever one gets killed, the other can work the case. And I can get back to Rescue Me.