Lost
All right. We've all heard the theory that the castaways are atoning for their own sins. Well now that's out the window. Sayid's got no shame in his game, except for being a big ol' softy. Even as an "interrogator" for the Republican Guard, he let his childhood crush, Nadia, escape execution. And he was so sweet to that feral French woman who locked him up in her jungle compound. So was it a plague that offed her shipwrecked colleagues 16 years ago, or did she go bonkers? And what's with her warning about the survivors? "Watch them closely." Don't worry, Frenchie, we're on it. What we need help with is how the inscription on Nadia's picture — "You will find me in the next life, if not this one" — ties into polar bears, music boxes, comic books and rabbits. Oh, and Hurley's golf course? Inspired. Ditto for the writers finally giving us cause to like Sawyer. Of course, that'll come back to bite us if he's the long-rumored "major character" to go toes-up before season's end.

America's Next Top Model
8:06 Tyra Mail! "Expect to die." Nicole immediately fears her fuchsia locks are in for a jolt. Then goes back to being milquetoast in tacky eye shadow.
8:07 Oh, it's just acting class. With Taye Diggs!! Forget the blatant UPN plug, someone put Eva on a leash. Girl looks like she wants to get her groove back with Mr. Kevin Hill.
8:10 "You did yawr first scene with Taye Diggs. He's a good acta." New York theater coaches crack me up.
8:13 Yaya wins her fourth challenge, so it's off to luxury-class seating with Amanda while the others are stuck in coach for an endless flight to Tokyo. Poor models. Having to sit with people who are so normal. And literate.
8:25 Lost in Translation time! The girls try to film a Japanese soup commercial, which proves tough for Eva, who's probably still full from the eye-of-newt and hemlock CARE packages her coven's been sending.
8:41 Yaya spits out some Japanese gunk she's supposed to be hawking, offending an entire nation. Not to mention the Japanese.
8:50 Tyra forgets to call Nicole up for the panel's abuse, I mean evaluation.
8:52 "She's beyond blah," moans Janice Dickinson. It's alive! It's alive!
8:54 Goodbye, Nicole. We hardly knew you... were even on this show. Sorry.

Category 6: Day of Destruction
So it's like 45 minutes into Part 2 and all I'm getting is Dharma's Greg and Dianne Wiest chatting on the phone about rerouting power from other states to fix Chicago's blackout. And some thunder. Zzzzz. At least the effects are cool. True, the heavy winds and lightning are cheesy, but grizzled storm-chaser Randy Quaid looks exactly like Sloth from The Goonies!

That '70s Show
Oh. My. Eyes. Topher Grace in hot pants and sneaker skates. Bless his soul. This may be one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Takes me back to the days when Linda Blair's Roller Boogie was like, it. Good times. As was this episode. Who knew the aging sitcom had so much juice? Or that Grace would prove to be the cast member most likely to move beyond the bell-bottoms? I mean, Kutcher is goofy and all, but this guy totally kicks Ashton. Too bad the subplot about Hyde's surprise sister didn't. Love Tim Reid as his pop, but there is no way this uptight chick shares a genetic code with TV's 420 poster child and Venus Flytrap.

Category 6: Day of Destruction
OK, the St. Louis Gateway Arch has been destroyed, Thomas Gibson's kid has been shot by a wacko ex, Nancy McKeon's newsie is bellowing clich&#233s like Dan Rather on ginseng pills and the damn storm still hasn't hit Chi-town? This isn't a disaster movie. It's a disaster. St. Irwin Allen, deliver us.

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All
Since this is really just filler until next week's big finale, I'ma fill ya in on the good stuff. Krysta's still a scary hag. Jayne's meds are working, half the cast has fake boobs and Cindy is not an alien. In fact, anyone who can get dumped on national TV and still ask Byron if he wants to make out gets my vote for the next Bachelorette. As for the "surprise," who didn't know it was ousted also-ran Jay? All of you with your hands up, have someone slap you. Then send them over to Krysta's.

Category 6: Day of Destruction
Randy Quaid just whooped it up while flying into a cyclone funnel like it was Space Mountain. Please. Pepito and I have been through a tornado and trust us. It blows about as much as this TV-movie does.

Retrosexual
Being that the '80s were my formative years, I had to see what this tour of the decade's sexual mores had to say. Not gonna lie, I'm a little freaked. Turns out I have condom ads, Eddie Murphy Raw, Chippendales, thirtysomething and Samantha Foxx to thank for making a terminally single, potty-mouthed commitment-phobe suffering from Tipper Gore-textured shame issues. Which I guess is still better than the poor kids growing up today, with these torch-bearing Puritans who start speaking in tongues at the drop of Nicollette Sheridan's towel as role models. Now that is the real shame....