Lost
OK, who else is getting the willies from Locke? He's got a stash of knives, has Boone playing his bodyguard and seems to show up whenever there's a crisis. Saving Jack from falling off the cliff, "killing" the boar and now, helping Michael rescue Walt from a crazed polar bear. And let's not forget his black pupil in Claire's dream. Could we have some kind nut-job cult guy on our hands, trying to win everyone's loyalty? Think about it. And while you do, I'll mull over whether Walt's secret powers killed mommy, the sudden arrival of Shannon's softer side, this Black Rock twist and why ABC hates us so much. Running a repeat of Sayid's episode next week, just when the missing Miss Aussie finally shows up looking like who-did-it-and-ran. That's a damn shame. Oh, and that out-of-nowhere scene of Michael getting run down? Hello, shades of Felicity's stalker going face-first into a bus. Come on, J.J. Your WB roots are showing.

American Idol
Oh my God. Simon is a weightist! In 5 minutes flat, he tooled on four women for being plus-sized. Granted, three were triplets, but still, not cool. Especially from a guy who needs to move up at least one size in his Lycra shirts. For real, if I wanted to see nipples, I'd watch Smallville. That town is rotten with areola. And apparently, St. Louis is rotten with rotten voices, since only 32 out of like, the whole city moved on to Hollywood. Kudos to Cardinals vet Ozzie Smith's son and the impressive Carrie Underwood for making the cut. Hopefully, the rest of this year's picks will be as good so we'll all have something to sing about. Poorly, of course.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search
Since we all know it's no Top Model, why on earth would NBC slot this on a night where plane wrecks and vocal train wrecks are all the rage? Even if the remaining posers are skin-crawlingly sexy, it doesn't really matter, because nobody is watching them slink through those "cold as ice" photo shoots. Which, by the way, provided yet another dose of visible nipples. Oh well, could be worse. Though not for the ousted Krisi and Betti. Guess that'll teach them to bitch-bash Alicia for showing some spark in front of the lens. But it'll be all right, ladies. There's always porn.

Point Pleasant
So the Devil's daughter hangs out in South Jersey and makes people horny. I buy that. Having spent my share of weekends down the shore (as we say here on the East Coast), I've seen enough women in acid-wash throwing themselves at dudes who still think puka shells look good to know that evil grows in the Garden State's beachy regions. And don't even get me started on the Boardwalk fries. Anyway, maybe it's my soft spot for Satan's spawn — 35 years of Omen jokes here, kids — but I'm diggin' this occulty little sudser. Even if the mark of this beast isn't so much 666 as it is sex, sex, sex, there's a lot of potential here. It's like "Peyton Place Goes to Hell," with Grant Show's deputy Beelzebub hunting down/hungering for a bad seed with Carrie White's powers and Carrie Otis' lips. Plus, we get the underrated Richard Burgi, dewy lifeguards and two words that never need explanation: Dina. Meyers. Makes ya wanna sin.

Alias
Coolest opening EVER! You see that guy shatter into a million bits after he was shot? That's what I'm talking about! Sorry, but this show is so cool, I tend to dork out every now and then. Even if the main plot about a biochemical that freezes people from the inside out was a little too evil-geniusy for me, it's great to see Vaughn getting to do more than furrow his brow and shoot yearning glances at Syd. Now that he's bared his guilt-ridden soul to that missionary, maybe he and Syd can finally go from undercover to under the covers again. But I swear on Milo Rambaldi's grave, if Lauren Reed returns from the dead in any form whatsoever, I will... oh, who am I kidding? I'll probably wet myself if that shrew shows up again. This is bad.

Project Runway
You can't see it, but I am sitting here eating my words. All this time I've been all anti-Jay and here he goes, proving to be A) hilarious and B) talented. I should have known better. They grow 'em real good in Dallas, Pa. And while his S&M-inspired bathing suit may not actually work as evening wear, he rose to the challenge and had some fun with it. As did Austin. Mad props to his Esther Williams-ish gear. Almost makes up for his monster bouffant at the runway show. Whoa, nelly! And buh-bye, Alexandra. Copying Michael Kors' swimwear designs may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but so did parachute pants, OK?

Alone in the Dark ad
There's only one scientist in the world who can save mankind from killer aliens and it's... Tara Reid. Wait, is this a comedy?

Law & Order
Ooohhh. Sixteen people go toes-up and it's traced back to a bogus flu vaccine. Lovely. This won't give us hypochondriacs the night sweats or anything. I love that one of the suspects is named Mike Bass (just because I have a friend with the same name), but what I love more is that new ADA Alexandra Borgia is being played by As the World Turns vet Annie Parisse. Not only did she kick serious butt as Oakdale's resident psycho, she's also light-years more interesting than Selena Whateverhernamewas. And no, it's not because she was a lesbian either. It's because last week's bombshell made us laugh more than gasp. And only horror flicks starring Tara Reid as a scientist are supposed to do that.