Lost
Boone's on his deathbed, but Locke saw the light. I hope whatever is in that hatch is worth it. I know that Locke's got all the reasons in the world to take out his issues on unsuspecting castaways looking for a father figure, considering that his own dad makes Jack's pop look saintlike in comparison, but still, this had better be good. And not just aliens like in that X-Files movie, either. And who knew that Swoosie Kurtz would manipulate her own son for cash? Doesn't she get royalties from Sisters? Even though Emily is crazy, she may be on to something with the whole immaculate conception thing, because by my math Swoosie is really only eight years older than her on-screen offspring. And her weird comments about his being special are pretty relevant too, considering that he randomly gains and loses the ability to walk and can stick sharp objects in his leg. That's special. Creepy, but special.

On the funny side of the island, love the good Dr. Shepherd not being quite so good. Teasing Sawyer and making him reveal his sexual history in front of Kate, getting him to imagine phantom smells and forcing him to wear soldered Harry Potter bifocals. Funny. But it didn't matter, Sawyer looks good no matter what... sorry, had to stop and wipe the drool off my chin. Also, I hope that Boone doesn't tell Charlie about the Virgin Mary heroin statues. I wouldn't want my sweet recovering hobbit to suffer a relapse. I sadly have to admit that the only reason I knew what a trebuchet was, and how to spell it, was due to that bad movie Timeline — which I saw for work, I swear! — OK, and I read the book, but I've always had a sneaking suspicion that wasting brain cells on Michael Crichton books at the beach would teach me more than what a Velociraptor is. Oh, and whoever found the razor for Jack? You have my undying gratitude! — Angel Cohn

Smallville
Again, a repeat, yes. And again, not caring. Not when we get an hour that has both the father-son freak show of Lionel and Luthor bantering about Daddy's so-called change of heartlessness and Lana toying with giving Jason the Lang-a-dang. Not to mention Chloe's confession about her Daily Planet internship dalliance. With Jimmy Olson! And here I thought he was the sexless wonder of Metropolis. Way to go, James! Actually, the whole episode seemed to be all about the nasty... and really, is there anything nastier than a Red Kryptonite-pumped Clark getting his mack on with that teleporting nutjob Alicia? I don't care how nice it was to see him hooking up with someone who knows his secret, when the chick has to trick you into ditching the flannel and (un)zipping off to Vegas for a quicky wedding, fly, don't run, back to Kansas. She's obviously still as obsessed with you as her creepy shrink is with her. Codependent much? Freak. Though had they actually gone through with their nearly nekked nups, we'd finally know if a certain someone is literally faster than a speeding bullet. So I guess we'll have to wait for prom night. 'Cause I'm hearing that the CK One has himself quite the hottie date. Older gal, allergic to Krypto, grows up to be Margot Kidder. You know who I'm talkin' about, fanboys and girls. Now, go, get back to Issue No. 1 of "Countdown to Infinite Crisis." We'll discuss later. But for now I just have to mention the One Tree Hill commercial! New episodes in April! Whoooooooohooooo!!!! Sorry, just scared Pepito the Wonder Chihuahua. But he has no idea how long I've been waiting for Nathan to get back together with Haley. Ohhh, yeah. I swear, teenage girl, right here, folks. So sad.— Damian J. Holbrook

Alias
Marshall Flinkman (Kevin Weisman) had quite the full day. Let's see: He traveled to Cuba; turned some old radio parts into a tracking device; dug Sydney out of a fresh grave; performed CPR; infiltrated the headquarters of an enemy agent; shot the aforementioned bad guy; cut an eye out of its socket and even sang to his little baby Mitchell. Whew! So much for leaving the tech genius in the background all the time. Imagine the actor getting that script: "Hey, Kev, you'll be working triple the amount of time you normally do, all right, buddy?"

Well, if you were wavering on buying a cell phone with a strong signal and built-in camera, this most likely pushed you right over. Because, if, for instance, you're ever buried alive with some dude who was just shot in the head, it appears this trusty gadget might come in handy.

Lastly, for no apparent reason, I loved this exchange between Marshall and Jack as he was giving him pointers on the ideal eye-removal procedure:
Jack: "You're going to need a digging instrument to assist with this."
Marshall: (searching through the dead guy's desk) "Uh, I got a spork!"
Jack: "What's a spork?"
Marshall: "It's like a half-spoon, half-fork. Will that do?"
Jack: "That will work." — Danny Spiegel

American Idol
Wait. One of these sing-along openers is going to be on a Red Cross CD? Well, I sort of feel bad for hating on them. Granted, they've all been crap-tastic, but at least it's for a good cause. The Crank Yankers-inspired Ford "Cool Like That" commercial, on the other hand, completely rocked. Now if only they'd run those fun little spots on non-Idol nights, I'd be spared the heartache of channel-surfing carpal tunnel. Anyway, it looks like 'Cooler reader Dawn and I were way off with our all-male bottom-three theory, seeing how only Anwar wound up alongside Nadia and the dearly departed Jessica. Even if this does clear the way for country powerhouse Carrie to pretty much sweep her way into the finals, we need to start getting rid of some of the guys. Starting with the one whose fans send me nasty letters. Oh, and that reminds me — my roomie is a woman, Lori. And she'd like to prove it to Josh Duhamel, if anyone can help us out, OK?

Smallville
Chloe's alive! All right, we already knew that, but still, she's alive! As is Lionel, after that very, um, muscular prison-shower shiv. What is this, Oz? And since when did John Glover get all ripped? Jeesh. Between him, Welling, Jensen Ackles and John Schneider, it's like the town gets its water supply from the Ken Caminiti Reservoir. Then again, it's probably good that the guys have some sort of edge over these T2 metal mutants trying to kill Lois and her cousin. Very cool effects, by the way. But I have to say, some of my favorite bits are the human moments between Clark and company. Like when Lana tried to cushion the blow after he learned about her Parisienne lovah. Or Martha's so logical defense of Lex's curiosity about the Teen of Steel's affinity for "unusual" events. It's a nice reminder that even though he can fly, there're people around to keep him grounded. And really, we could all do with a few of them in our lives, right, superlawyer Mike M.? — DJH

The West Wing
Vinnick, you sly dog. Stealing the Democrats' thunder, not to mention their votes, by kissing Bartlett's ring in the process of accepting the presidential nomination — brilliant move, you bastard.

Too bad Charlie wasn't nearly so sly sneaking out of Zoey's bedroom in the middle of the night. Even worse that he bumped into his future father-in-law, who also happens to be the commander-in-chief and his boss. But the coup de grace was his attempt to cover up his marital ambitions by telling Bartlet that he wasn't really seeking his blessing because "we've been sleeping together for a while." Oh, real smooth, Charlie. About as smooth as CJ's subversive attempt to rescue the astronauts from the space station by leaking info to the press about a secret military space shuttle. Something tells me she just crossed a fine line in a big way. If she keeps messing with those military intelligence spooks, her future just might include a one-way rescue mission to the space station.

Political truism of the night: Toby, talking about the Republican Convention, "They're about as spontaneous as... I actually can't think of anything as unspontaneous as a Republican Convention."
As Larry the Cable Guy might say, "I don't care who you voted for — that's funny!" — Dan Roberts

Eyes
Now that's the way to end a series premiere! Get your audience invested in a central character, wrap him in a web of intrigue and deceit and then, just before the final frame, you put a bullet in him — Bam! Fade to black. I love it. Nonetheless, I already miss Eric Mabius. His cocky playboy-P.I. persona was kinda cool. But no worries, this cast has more than enough talent to make up for his absence. I'm especially fond of Rick Worth, who earned a bump to the top of my Favorite New Actors list for that sweet showdown where he put the fear of god into a skinhead. Very cool.

As for Harlan, he may be a little too smug and too slick for his own good, but then again, so is the whole show. Not surprising really, considering exec producer John McNamara is the man who gave us 2002's slick but silly flash-in-the-pan Fastlane. Not sure why, exactly, but this offering is much better. Could have something to do with a cast of characters chock-full of tragic flaws. The boss is bankrupt, his top investigator is recovering from a breakdown, three members of his team are involved in an adulterous love triangle, and another is busy killing her colleagues to keep them from spilling the beans about her being in bed with the competition.

If they continue to balance the snappy dialogue with just a touch of danger, and don't get too precious, I'll lend Eyes my eyeballs once a week. Who knows, maybe I'll finally be able to forgive Tim Daly for that expensive and unfortunate flop, The Fugitive. — DR

Channel Surfing
Note to the girls on Top Model, even if Michelle doesn't have scabies or a flesh-eating bacteria or anything gross like that, it is never a good idea to share makeup. So what were the producers thinking? Cover Girl surely would have given them extras for all the free product placement that they are getting. And Mr. Jay in old-man makeup? At least is hair looked better than ever... On Showdog Moms and Dads, an adorable gay couple dressing up the puppies, cute. Collecting sperm for future breeding, creepy but understandable. But Moira, who wanted to combine Showbiz Moms with Showdog Moms by grooming her son to be a handler? Wrong on so many levels, but it's still entertaining to watch a show on the once-classy Bravo that uses the word bitch constantly and has to bleep out a ton of sexual references... And while the fate of American Dreams is still somewhat uncertain, Matt Roush shares his heartfelt thoughts on the season finale.

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