Aiight, I'm gonna rile up my senior editor Tracy, but I can't stand Sawyer. I don't care if he's hot enough to pull off Southern-fried lines like "hold on a tick." Or has maintained an inspiring stubble for two weeks after the crash. Anyone who destroys families by sleeping with a chick and grifting her hubby is a tool! And a bit twisted. I mean, lying about hoarding Shannon's inhaler and enduring Sayid's bamboo-shoot torture, just for a kiss from Kate? Dude. She's cute, but come on. That said, I'm digging the little romance between Charlie and Claire. Obviously, one of them must die. Also obvious tonight are the literary clues piling up. To what, I have no idea, but we've got a Sawyer, as in Tom, a Boone, as in Daniel, and a Jack, as in maybe the beanstalk, I'm thinking. Throw in more talk of Watership Down and the kid's comic book from way back and...yeah, I still got nothin'. Man, I love this show.

America's Next Top Model
8:03 Is Tyra still talking about Cassie's eating disorder? Please. The girl's in denial and out of the running. Send her a cheesecake and get over it!
8:05 Yaya bashes the whole low-carb craze as "a gimmick." Big words coming from a little thing with the metabolism of a cheetah. Hate her.
8:15 The girls are ordered to put together a head-to-toe day look in 15 minutes at Manhattan's shopping nirvana, Century 21. This is a challenge? Come on. You know the damage I could do with that much time and someone else's dime? It ain't right.
8:33 Amanda looks amazing wearing a tarantula at this week's shoot. Live spiders are so the new Uggs.
8:48 Carb-aholic Yaya scores big time with the panel, even after ignoring the Afrocentric tips from some "celebrity stylist" who seems more a-hole than A-list.
8:53 OK, either I just had a stroke or Toccara was cut. Nah. Couldn't be. It's Ann who sucks. She was supposed to go. Wait. No. I need a moment....

Damian's Breakdown of the Night
NOOOOoooooooo!!!! Toccara was robbed! OH, MY GOD! Aaaagghhhh!!!

OK, I'm better now that I have this crack-up of a show. It's such a riot how there's always something freaky going on in this town and none of the kids ever thinks to tell their parents. Oh, look. Lana, Lois and Chloe are possessed by the spirits of three witches. And they're using their powers to... rip Clark's clothes off. Hmmm, maybe Martha doesn't need to know about this one. But Tom Welling might want to talk to the producers about getting a "special guest star" credit for his nipples, since they've been getting more airtime than John Schneider. And what's with all of TV's witches dressing like Vegas whores? All the ones I ever seem to meet need an exfoliant and stink of patchouli.

50 Most Wicked Women of Primetime
Um, The Facts of Life's Blair is No. 13? Who the hell's gonna be No. 1? Family's Sada Thompson?

The Bachelor
Wow. So Cindy got the boot. Interesting. I figured Tanya would be the one to (insert Chris Harrison voice here) "go home brokenhearted." Blondie was a good time. And she has a rack you could hang fruit baskets off of. Well, then it's Tanya and Mary for the final showdown. That should be a no-brainer. But let me tell you this, Mr. Byron Leatherface. First, get some sunblock. You look like a catcher's mitt. And second, if you break Mary's heart the way Bob Guiney did, it's my prayer that her buds Mark and Lisa hire a sitter so they can hunt you down and beat you within a inch of your crow's-feet.

50 Most Wicked Women of Primetime
Pheww. We've entered the Top 10 and The O.C.'s Julie Cooper comes in at seven. I can work with that. So what if Melinda Clarke is cohosting the countdown with Joan Collins? That Luke-doing, Marissa-committing, Jimmy-divorcing viper is a mink wrap away from becoming the Alexis Colby of Yogalates. Nice work, dragon lady. You too, Joanie. You deserve that top spot. Nobody can work shoulder pads and bitch slaps like you. Even at, what, 112? You look Dynastabulous!

The West Wing
Forget that naming press secretary C.J. the new chief of staff makes about as much sense as Bradley Whitford's Heat Miser haircut. Jimmy Smits rocks the White House! He could totally carry this show beyond the Martin Sheen presidency. In fact, he may do for Texas politicians what... you know, I still can't even joke about that.

All together, now: Ewwww. Some guy dies after self-inflicting a leg wound, gets a funky amputation, the leg is found miles away and I'm supposed to keep down my cold noodles in peanut sauce? Nuh-uh. Thankfully, the show isn't just a weight-loss tool. It's also educational. This week's wacky medical lesson — before being cut off by breaking news of Arafat's death — was on body-integrity disorder, which apparently causes folks to blame all their problems on a specific part of the body. Great. My friend Graham already thinks I could star in my own reality show, "Hypochondria House." Now I get to worry that my mouth is the reason I get into so much trouble. Oh, my god, my mom was right!