3:46: CBS' Upfront starts in 15 minutes and I'm lost. Does anyone out there know how to get to Carnegie Hall!? Ba-dum-bum. 3:48: I've got an awesome seat right in the center. Some might say I have a birds-

eye view of the stage. Ba-dum-bum. 3:53: CBS is young and hip - and they've got a DJ spinning records in front of the stage to prove it! 3:57: You haven't lived until you've heard CBS' NFL theme song remixed with "We Will Rock You." 4:00: Showtime! Oooh, we're starting with a musical number! A reggae group is welcoming us with a song about the upfronts. 4:05: Ladies and gentleman, make way for King Les Moonves!! 4:10: "For the fifth year in a row, CBS is America's most watched network," Les proclaims. So humble, that one. 4:15: Moonves introduces a YouTube clip that a fan compiled featuring David Caruso's endless one-liners from CSI: Miami. Funny stuff. 4:16: Someone in row 12 smuggled a freakin' laptop in here! No fair! She should be forced to Blackberry-blog like me! (It's not easy.) 4:19: Obligatory highlight reel from the 2006-07 season. This is my favorite part. Really. 4:21: Nina Tassler takes the stage to introduce the network's "daring" new fall lineup. She's referring to that vampire detective, I think. 4:26: Starting with Monday night, Nina describes How I Met Your Mother as the show that "gets the assistants buzzing in the halls." Read between the lines, people. 4:35: New Monday sitcom Big Bang Theory is being billed by CBS as the season's "smartest new comedy." If you're an idiot. Seriously, this show looks heinous. 4:36: Onto Tuesday, NCIS is TV's "quietest" hit. That's funny. And I think you know why. 4:37: Jimmy Smits' Sopranos-esque family drama Cane looks so-so. Smits comes out onstage and describes himself as a "50-year-old upfront virgin." All those years on NYPD Blue and L.A. Law and he never attended an upfront? Hmmm.... 4:45: The new Wednesday reality show Kid Nation is like Deadwood-meets- Romper Room. Fun concept. But if I wanted to listen to a bunch of kids screaming and yelling I'd fly coach. 4:48: On to Thursday: Nina props up Survivor by tearing down time-slot rival Ugly Betty, claiming it's down 40 percent since its premiere. Hey, don't you go messin' with my Betty! 4:50: Close to Home's Friday night replacement Moonlight has bite. Ba-dum-bum. Nina refers to the show's star, Alex O'Loughlin, as "scary handsome." Get a room. 5:00: Viva Laughlin - it's Las Vegas-meets -Cop Rock! Exec producer Hugh Jackman is beamed in via satellite from Sydney, where he's shooting the new Baz Luhrmann film, Australia, with Nicole Kidman. Wow, that had to cost some serious moolah. 5:07: Mid-season soap Swingtown? Count. Me. In. 5:15: OMG, it's over! Wow, shortest upfront ever. 5:20: Headed to Tavern on the Green for the afterparty. Got questions for David Caruso? Now's your chance!!!