TV Guide: Despite your D-list/outsider status, you've now won an Emmy, a GLAAD Award and been profiled in the New York Times. Are you feeling triumphant?
Kathy Griffin: Every time I get a laugh is a triumph, be it on TV, at a live show or at the supermarket. Oh, I forgot: I'm too famous now to go to the supermarket. Although that certainly hasn't stopped Britney Spears.
TV Guide: Reality TV has made you a household name.
Griffin: Totally. In the '90s [when Griffin appeared on Suddenly Susan], it was the era of the sitcom, and that's gone, buh-bye. The minute I caught wind of that I thought, "I'm a cockroach and I gotta survive this holocaust," so I just immediately got into the reality thing. I love reality, but I really hate when people say about my show, "Oh, it was so obviously staged when she did this or that." Because, like, say, with my mom, we couldn't stage her if we [bleeping] wanted to — that crazy old drunk is gonna say whatever the hell she wants.
TV Guide: Think she minds being called a "crazy old drunk"?
Griffin: My poor family is so beaten down by my act, they're just used to it. [Laughs] So my mom does this great thing where she tries to justify it by saying [dramatic sigh], "Well, if it'll help Kathleen's career, I guess I'll let her make those jokes."
TV Guide: I must say she holds her liquor well....
Griffin: She's 88 and she could drink you under the [bleeping] table! I'd love to see her in a shot contest with Amy Winehouse — she could school Amy in how to hold her booze.
TV Guide: As a self-confessed "publicity whore," what drives you?
Griffin: I have boundless ambition, because my mom used to always say, "If you're not careful you're gonna have to live in your car and eat dog food." [Laughs] So part of me is always like, "Yeah — this could all go away tomorrow." I mean, to be a 47-year-old female in this industry? I'm surprised I'm not playing the great-grandmother on Two and a Half Men, while Charlie Sheen gets laid by a [bleeping] Playmate every week.
TV Guide: What do you think of Denise Richards' show?
Griffin: Denise Richards can [bleep] my [bleep]! I film The D-List six days a week, 12 hours a day, six months of the year. We're on planes going from Missouri to Sydney to Bora-Bora, while I'm, like, performing in a maximum-security prison. But on her show, Denise Richards is trying to get her pig a mating partner? It's ridiculous! And when I saw she got the cover of TV Guide, I wanted to kill myself!
TV Guide: You work hard for the money! Like next week, D-List devotes the entire episode to your visit to the Walter Reed hospital.
Griffin: And I'm so proud of winning that battle with Bravo — they didn't want to make it a whole episode. But I'd found that those guys at the hospital — the majority were amputees — just have the sickest sense of humor and were so wanting to laugh and use humor to get through their situation, because that's how they deal. So I said to Bravo, "Go [bleep] yourselves — I'm not doing Frontline here, you know. I'll still be making a fool of myself and saying inappropriate things. But this'll be a window into what happens to these people that you're not gonna see on The [bleeping] Kardashians!"
TV Guide: Do you ever feel guilty about trashing other celebrities?
Griffin: Absolutely not, because, what can I tell you? The last time I saw Anna Nicole Smith, she said "hi" to me. [Laughs] See, a few celebrities have a sense of humor, and when they're nice to me that's awesome. However, there is no get-out-of-jail-free card with me. If they marry somebody they know for two weeks, have sex with Ashlee Simpson or go to rehab for, say, "depression," they're back in the act.
TV Guide: Right. So let's talk about Heather Locklear.
Griffin: [Conspiratorially] Here's what I'm thinking, and maybe it's evil, but if I could get myself admitted to the same rehab facility she's in and be her roommate, I'm pretty sure I could get some [bleeping] good material for my act.
TV Guide: You're shameless!
Griffin: Listen, I think Season 5 will just be called Bravo Tries to Kill Me. Because I believe that there is a conspiracy and it's headed by [my nemesis] Ryan Seacrest, Oprah Winfrey and Bravo. I believe those three forces are getting together and trying to kill me. And I don't care if that sounds paranoid, because if it does... then I'll get to go to rehab with Heather Locklear!
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