Joey
Seriously now, Joey cannot be so busy he needs a personal assistant. But since he's got one, how much do you think he pays the guy? And does the assistant get some kind of bonus if he outdances the competition in a humiliating robot war? Hmmmmm.

The Pedigree commercial
I'm for doggies, too. Yet I still wonder how Pedigree can afford this high-profile time slot. Sure, ad time during Joey is probably way cheaper than it was during Friends, but it's still not bargain-basement cheap. Have the Pedigree peeps got it like that?

The Apprentice 3
My, how time flies. It seems like just yesterday I was beating my head out of boredom while watching The Apprentice 2 finale. And here I am again.
1. The high school group "makes more than three times" the college-educated group. Dayuum. Power to the student loan-free people!
2. But the "street" team could have been a bit more humble and not named their group Net Worth. That was cocky and a bit uncalled for. OK?
3. Kumbaya Danny must chill. For real. Quit whipping out the guitar, man. This is not American Idol.
4. By the way, what was wrong with the "Just Say Cheese" promotion idea? It was simple, but they totally could have worked that. They could've put down a red carpet, had fake paparazzi snapping pictures of passersby and yelled stuff like "Try the new blahblahblah burger and be a star!" It's corny, but it would've worked much better than trying to get New Yorkers to stop and throw a ball at a box. I'm just saying.
5. OK. This might make me crazy but... After that annoying guy asked Trump if he'd really paid off a couple's mortgage just because they stopped to help fix his limo's flat, I became obsessed with the story. It sounds too much like a rumor gone wild. Plus, the Donald hesitated before answering. No way it's true, right? So, I looked it up. And turns out that little anecdote is la mera verdad... or at least a brilliantly placed piece of propaganda. According to a Feb. 12, 1996, Forbes article (by Kate Bohner Lewis) the Donald and his wife really did hook up a couple that came to their rescue over the 1995 Christmas holiday. Apparently after the guy fixed the flat, Trump asked what he could do to repay him and the guy said, "Oh, just send my wife some flowers." Two weeks later the woman got a bouquet of orchids with a card reading "We paid off your mortgage, Marla and Donald." Of course I then became obsessed with finding the couple's name and couldn't find it. But 30 minutes and 542 articles later I did find a 1986 Los Angeles Times article (by Ann Herold) about another supposedly random Trump act of Christmas kindness. Only this time he helped organize a fundraiser to save Annabel Hill's farm. And the story sounds like a made-for-TV movie plot: The Hill family was about to lose their farm, so Annabel's husband killed himself, thinking his life insurance settlement would pay off the mortgage. But it didn't. (How could he not know about the no-suicide clause? Whatever.) So in comes do-gooder Donald. The story's a little too convenient, I know. But that's what I found.

The Burger King commercial
I'm not too ashamed to admit it: Cutting from the real boardroom to BK's fake one was pretty effective. It had me confused for a minute there.

The H&R Block commercial
Why is Rose from 227 helping Stacie get the maximum refund possible?

The O.C.
Oh, snap. Alex's ex is a girl! Let the setup for Marissa's upcoming sweeps-period lesbian fling begin. You'd think, though, that they would be a little more subtle about it. But no. Marissa sees Alex and Jodywhat'shername arguing at the Bait Shop and immediately gets an I-could-see-me-kissing-you look. Two hours later she's all but nuzzling her head in Alex's neck, like D.J. who? D.J. what? (Apparently that boy is gone and quickly forgotten.) It's all too soon, I say. Too soon! But, girl-on-girl action aside, I went back to liking Ryan — for a second! — tonight. First he naively pushed Lindsay to buddy up with Miss Teen Drunk, then he inappropriately went off on Marissa after his girl got trashed. (If only he'd accused Lindsay of smelling like Marissa... it would have made my week!) It was delicious teen boy drama. I just wish he hadn't apologized so quickly. It would have been tr&#232s int&#233resant to have Ryan avoid Marissa like the plague for a couple of episodes, treating her like the bad influence he thinks she is. But maybe that's just me. Oh, and one more thing, was the Bait Shop waitress ferrying martinis across the dance floor? Because it sure looked like it. And I could have sworn this was supposed to be a booze-free all-ages club.

Point Pleasant
All right, I get it. Point Pleasant is the new Sunnydale and the Hellmouth is in the bay that spit poor, confused Christina "I-just-might-be-the-Antichrist" Nickson out. But here's the deal: I'm finding it kind of hard to feel sorry for the devil's daughter. I mean, dang. Yes, the teen years are hell. But she's literally demon seed. On top of that, the girl's only been in town a few days, and already she's corrupting her lifeguard/savior Jesus... I mean, Jesse. Plus, dogs don't even like her. And you know what happens when the hounds growl at you. Priests get sacrificed on your adopted family's boat at the Point Pleasant boat parade. Speaking of priests, holy Thorn Birds, that Father Thomas is hot. See, now I've gone and lusted after a man of God. Thanks, Christina.

ER
Mary from 227's grandson died. What?! I didn't even know she had a grandson. Ooops. My bad. The doctors screwed up. Apparently it was a different black boy in blue tennis shoes that died. Not to beat a dead racehorse or anything, but isn't it about time some white teens suffered from gunshot wounds on this show? And, despite how it may seem, I really don't have a race chip on my shoulder. I'm just saying it would be nice if ER surprised us a little. Switched it up. The black and Latino kids don't always have to be the ones who get shot.

Celebrity Fit Club
Quote of the night: "Cheese really sets a sandwich off." True words, Ralphie. True words.

I Love the '90s: Part Deux
Ah, they're on 1996... the year of The Crocodile Hunter, the Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson videotape, Tupac's "California Love" (as Ben Stein says in his "pimpest tracks of 1996" rant, "West, west ya'll!") and William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet. Hey, hey, hey a pox on both your houses if you make fun of that Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes film. That was the movie! Well worth the humiliating hour I spent in line with a bunch of 15-year-old DiCapri-ettes. But, come on now. Was '96 really that long ago? Ohmigod it was... Six. Seven. Eight. Nine years ago! And I still say "all that," "whatever," and "duh." Ugh. That's depressing. I need a drink. (Darn those Bacardi and Smirnoff commercials!)