Joey
Oh, Joey. I've been there. New town. New job. And you're having a hard time making new friends. I could have told you the party thing wouldn't work out. Ditto on the cool "my friends call me Jaybird" nickname. Nice try, though.

Will & Grace
So Janet "Ms. Jackson if You're Nasty" says, "You know, I feel this connection between Jackson and five. I don't know what that it is." Honey, that's called a lame joke. Just like this entire lame episode. Jack was in a crazy dance-off to be Damita Jo's backup dancer and still I laughed not once. W&G writers, what's wrong with you people? Seriously. It's almost like you're not even trying here.

The Elmo Commercial
You know Elmo's black, right? Not that I feel the need to claim a puppet or anything. I'm just saying that the man behind the little red guy (or is Elmo a girl?) is a brotha.

Back to Will & Grace
OK, off-your-game writer guys, you do get the prize for tonight's most romantic quote. "I want all of you," Will's boyfriend Vince says. "And I won't settle for less. When you know what you want, call me." Oh. The love in those words....

Survivor: Vanuatu
Hi. My name is Rochell. And I'm a perv. (And the group says, "Hi Rochell.") Why? Because I thought things about the guys during that get-a-little-closer beam-crossing reward challenge that I should not have been thinking. I'll admit it: I took it to a naughty, Queer as Folk place. I mean, how could I not? It was all close-up shots of muscled arm grabbing muscled arm. And every once in a while they'd dump a guy in the water. Then it was wet body against wet body... Oh. The men were losing. And forgive me, because I loved it. After that, the women lost the immunity challenge and got rid of sheep-farmer Dolly. But whatever. I'm still on Brady trying to cross that beam.

The Sears Commercial
The lady in the black poncho with the white stripe looks a lot like Synclaire — I mean, Kim Coles — from Living Single. Hey, Kim! I see you, baby. Shaking that hair....

CSI
Maglite? Check. Fingerprinting kit? Check. Thermal-vision glasses? Damn, I need to get me some of those.

My CSI geek kit aside, what's with opening the show with yet another crowded murder-in-a-club scene? I know it's Vegas and all, but you're starting to confuse a girl. On the for-real for real, I panicked when tonight's episode started and thought maybe it wasn't the season premiere, because I could have sworn I saw that exact same scene before. Was it on CSI: Miami? Hmmm.

The Apprentice
Yeah. So, um, Stacie J.'s out. No, she's not the one who made the women lose. (See send-us-over-budget Maria for that.) But still, "they" had to get rid of the pretty sistergirl. Claimed she was too crazy and that her suspicious crack-up during Task 1 frightened them. "I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy!" Stacie kept saying. And, just like Lyme-disease Irene from Real World: Seattle, every time she said it she sounded loony as a bird. Imagine having to say that, in all seriousness, in one of your company's staff meetings. "I'm not crazy." I almost feel bad for a girl. I say almost because I think her flip-out might have been — ahem — chemically induced. And I'm not talking about over-the-counter pharmaceuticals, either. But that's just me. Basically, to quote TV Guide editor Rich Sands, "It was not a good night to be black on a Mark Burnett show." True that.

The Cut
If you blinked, you probably missed the commercial/announcement saying that NBC's looking for wannabe fashion designers to troll for Tommy Hilfiger in a new reality show. Hmmm. I'm betting this show won't be half as fun as MTV's The Cut. You remember that one, don't you? It was hosted by late TLC member Lisa Lopes.

ER
They are trying to kill a girl. From the car crash in the Chicago River and Pratt not being able to save his passenger to Luka leaving the hospital — again! — to chase after whatshername to Carter and Kem (gulp) scattering their baby's ashes over Lake Michigan — oh, and Tonsil Guy choosing death by bleeding out through the mouth (!!!!!!) — Lord help me. I thought I was going to have a coronary. It was all so driving, so emotional, so manipulative. God, I love this show. The pace is ridiculous. And the layers. (The layers!) Even when it's bad, ER is still totally interactive viewing for me. It makes me yell ("Roll the windows down! Roll. The windows. Down!" "Damn power windows.") and it makes me snot-nosed, boo-hoo cry. And I'm no weeper. Like tonight, when Carter proposed again to postpartum Kem and she asked if they could talk about it when she got back, only we all know she's not coming back... I've got to stop right now. I need a moment.

Without a Trace
Poor Jack Malone (Anthony LaPaglia). He quit his job to do the dedicated-dad thing and follow his wife to Chicago only to find out she was just bluffing and wants a divorce. Too bad he can't do one of their trademark Day of Disappearance timelines on his own marriage to uncover where their love went. (OK?!) Now we've got to watch him mope around, trying to figure out how to steal back the job he gave to Vivian Johnson (Marianne Jean-Baptiste). Great.

But on to other things. I know I'm supposed to feel sorry for the blind girl, but she gets on my nerves too much for me to care. I'm all about her teacher. Now that's a strong woman. She gets kidnapped, the bad guys break her leg, rape and beat her, and she can still pull it together enough to tell blondie how to go for help and to talk the rapist guy out of dragging her along with him when he was on the run. I want that kind of inner strength. Not that I want to be damn near killed to get it or anything. But you know what I mean.