Joey
So Joey's an understudy in three ridiculously different plays. And they all need him to perform tonight. Three? At once?! Riiiight. There are comical situations. And there's just stupid stuff. Also not working in tonight's episode... Joey's agent. She used to be annoying in a funny way. But tonight she was just annoying.

TV nerd note: Ross, I mean, David Schwimmer directed this episode!

The Day After Tomorrow DVD commercial
Oh, I'd forgotten the unintentional hilarity that was this summer blockbuster. When Dennis Quaid says, "Stay warm! I will come for you." I hear "Stay alive! I will find you." And I it makes me laugh every time.

Drew Carey's Green Screen Show
Let's face it: The WB's not even trying to get into the game with this one. I mean, really. Improv in front of a special-effects screen? It's a cool idea in theory... for a Saturday morning. But not on a Thursday night. Props to Drew Carey for getting this on the air, though. That pitch session must have been something.

Extreme Makeover
They closed up the tribal holes in Goth girl's ears. So what. Normally I'm thoroughly impressed by the procedures on these crazy nip-tuck makeover shows. But come on, now. They were just big holes. And girlfriend was already pretty under that Goth gear. Please. Call me Dr. Makeyoulookgood when you use skin from a girl's thighs and cartilage from her nose to create some ears. OK? Then we'll be talking.

Cool surgery vocab of the night: Liposelection. Apparently that's when they melt the fat instead of just sucking it out. What will they think of next?

Will & Grace
When Jack cried to Karen, "What am I going to do? People keep asking my opinion and I'm always wrong." I thought, ohmigod. Was he sitting next to me during those horrible edit meetings at Vibe? Seriously. Sometimes I think I am Jack. And he is me. Together we're this gay white man/straight black girl clich&#233.

Oh, and notice how I'm going to pretend that tonight's Will, Grace and crazy-neighbor Ned story line just didn't even happen. Life's just easier that way.

CSI
Alright, Grissom needs to chill. First he makes Catherine and Warrick slosh around the sewers. And he doesn't even consider drawing straws to see who gets the sucky assignment. He's the boss. It's a power move. I get it. After all, they needed to find out where the body came from and yada-yada. (Plus I needed to see Warrick all sopping wet. Yum! But I digress.) But then when Grissom asked Greg to fill the plastic baggie.... Even in jest that was a bit much. I mean, there's only so much a person should have to give for their job. And I'm thinking donating a solid waste specimen should never be a requirement. Poor Greg. All he wants is to be like Warrick and Sara and have the opportunity to almost have his head blown off in the field by some crazy family's pipe bombs.

Survivor: Vanuatu
The ladies won a black man. Negative slave/servant connotations aside, how can I be down? As a single, politically incorrect woman, I'm just saying.

The Apprentice
Four things:
1. The behind-the-scenes stuff at the QVC was fascinating. The fact that they have instantly updating data on how many people are calling/buying during each 12-minute segment was impressive. And creepy.

2. Did anyone else notice how those cheaply packaged "It Works!" things (or whatever they called them) looked and worked exactly like the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser pads that you can catch on sale for, like, $2.50 per four-pack?

3. The women were robbed. Pamela was set up. And Mr. Trump was wrong. Ten-dollar difference aside, Apex did a much better job than Mosaic. And the guys must know that.

4. I was waiting for John McEnroe to lose it. For real. He was one of the best tennis players in the world, yet the Mosaic men had him playing second fiddle to Anna Kournikova? That's humiliating. I mean, she was Enrique Iglesias' girlfriend, for goodness sake.

Life as We Know It
Newsflash: Modern teenage boys don't think about sex once every 15 seconds. No, that's not enough. They think about it, as Ben says, "once every five seconds." And they'll use every reverse-psychology mind game possible to get "it." Lord help today's high-school girls.

You know a lot of critics don't like this show about three lusty high-school boys. They said stuff like it's too self-serving, slick and blah-blah-blah. But screw them. (Sex pun intended.) I'm willing to give it a chance, if only to find out if Kelly Osbourne grows into her chubby character Deborah. Otherwise it will just seem like producers wasted the juiciest female role on the worst actress in the cast. Don't get me wrong. Kelly's not terrible. It's just that she's trying. So. Hard. Like the lead in a high-school play, you can see her "acting." "We were so [Gush. Headshake] close," Deborah tells Jonathan. "Now you won't even [Blink. Swallow. Pause.] look at me." Oh, honey. I feel for you. I also want you to deliver lines like that with a bit more credibility.