Joey
Joey and Gina bonding over Michael's card-counting career in Vegas was disturbing. Even more disturbing: that I watched tonight's entire episode even though five minutes in I could predict how it was all going to turn out. Of course Joey was going to screw up by, um, screwing one of the beauty queens and of course their ditsy neighbor was going to blow their casino-scam cover. Why can't I break up with this show? I mean, I like the characters (and the actors who play them). And each week I tune in ready to have fun. Yet most of the time I just don't. Something is wrong here. Oh, and another question: Who are these people who can just exchange four words (like Joey and Miss Laughlin did) then — woo-hoo! — go jump into the sack? I'm just asking.

The new Stetson commercial
I think I've discovered the answer to my question. If one of "those people" is sexy Stetson-ified Matthew McConaughey and the other is a skinny version of me... I could go from zero to slut puppy in four words. Uh-huh. Sure could. Wait, Rochell... Lust is bad. Slut tendencies... not good.

Survivor: Vanuatu
Why is Eliza still here?!!!! Seriously, people. I'm getting a scary feeling in my stomach. Like that bug-eyed, back-stabbing you-know-what could win this thing. Please, reality-TV gods, don't let that happen. Please. But can we have a round of applause for dodge-the-bullet Scout? Because she's just the other side of the Eliza coin. Think about it: She has a bum knee, was a burden to her team in all of the early physical challenges, and doesn't do much better in the mental ones... Yet she's still here. Grandma is playing this game. OK?

The O.C.
Three random rants about tonight's "It's a new era" episode:
1. It was written by Regis Philbin's daughter J.J.. I don't know how I feel about that.
2. So Seth says of Summer, "She was my shortie last year but then she got served." Yeah. Um. Add that to the list of things that are funny but just wrong.
3. Y'all know I love me some Nicholas Gonzalez. But him plus Mischa Barton equals no chemistry. Their scene on the beach? Ridiculous! I mean, come on. How is it possible that they were both using those obvious eyeball techniques from the Benjamin McKenzie School of Eye Acting?

Mischa: What are you doing here? [She lets her alien doe eyes crawl up Nick's body.]
Nick: I was headed to your house. [He returns the eye crawl.] I thought I'd surprise you.
Mischa: So this means? [Pregnant pause. Confused eye.]
Nick: [Looks at her lips. Kisses.]I'm not sure exactly. [Looks at her nose. Her chin. The ground. Smiles.] I guess I'd better prepare myself for some drama, huh?
Mischa: [Looks in his eyes. Shakes head 'no' for emphasis.] You have no idea.

Life As We Know It
Too bad this show's end is near, because it's getting soapy-good. Tonight Dino and Jonathan found out about Ben's affair with Miss Young and proceeded to flip out. (So our friend's not gay. Woo-hoo!) Of course, Dino took it as an I-can't-be-the-last-one-to-have-sex blow to his ego and tried to get back at Jackie by planning to have sex with Zoe on his and Jackie's chemistry-lab desk. (Boys!) Speaking of Zoe, I'm scared of that girl. When Dino pushed her for sex she saw right through him and still pulled him into the handicapped bathroom like "Let's do this." Then after their coitus was interrupted and Dino only reluctantly agreed to take her to the school dance, Zoe rewarded him by suggesting they do it on one of his teacher's desks. What?! And, speaking of teachers, that Miss Young is a full-on, your-essays-are-due-tomorrow trip. Not only is she sleeping with Ben — one of her high-school students (hello!) — but she has the nerve to get jealous of one of his teenage classmates and try to flunk the girl because of it. Yeah, people. I cannot handle the women on this show. Actually, I think I might not be able to handle a lot of women on TV this season. Gabrielle Solis on Desperate Housewives is also mowing more than the lawn with her high-school-age gardener. And the other night, on a rerun of The Drew Carey Show, crazy big mama Mimi was getting all hot and heavy over the 14-year-old paperboy. Come on now. Pedophilia is always wrong. Just because women are doing the deed does not make it OK. It's good drama. But it is not OK.

The Apprentice
Enough already with the Trump property plugs. Last week The Donald hyped his plaza building for no reason. This week it was his hotel/tower and that monstrosity he's building in downtown Chicago. I can't even call Mosaic's reward a thinly veiled reality commercial for his condo units. Because there was no veil. It was straight-up Trump-Trump-Trump look-at-my-stuff. Speaking of stuff (and tacky transitions), Mosaic vamping up to sell candy bars was sleazy. But Ivana flashing her boy-cut bikini bottom was just sad. "If you buy one for $20 I'll drop my skirt," she told a man in an attempt to sell a candy bar. At first I was furious. What the?!?! But then I felt bad for her and how unfortunate it was that she thought she needed to degrade herself like that to make a buck. You know? I hate to side with Carolyn on anything, but she's right. You don't want the president of one of your companies dropping her pants every time things get tough. "I wouldn't hire a stripper," Trump said. And I'm going to throw up after I type this. But Trump has got a point.

ER
Hello. Boundaries! Considering the way they start their days, Nurse Sam's lucky her son only took a Maxim magazine to school. Did you not squirm during that opening bathroom scene? Mom's in the shower; Luka's standing at the sink and Son's taking a leak... all in the same bathroom at the same time. "What, you haven't seen a kid pee before?" the boy asks. If he's old enough to mouth off like that, he's old enough to not be in the bathroom while his mom's taking a shower.

Drawn Together
Speaking of pee... (and this is the last time today I'll use that transition. I promise.) I almost wet my pants, I laughed so hard during this show. In case you don't know what it is, Drawn Together is like an animated Surreal Life with these different famous cartoon-character types living in the same house. I don't get to watch it often. But tonight's ep (possibly a repeat, I'm not sure) messed with my mind. I taped it to show my friends. Because no one will believe me. From Toot (the Betty Boop one) and Xandir licking Ling-Ling's disappointment to get high to Princess Clara's "retarded-hot" cousin quoting I Am Sam reviews and Captain Hero and Spanky's twisted spin-the-bottle game with the "triple kiss," I couldn't handle it. It was hi-to the-larious. I don't know how they can get away with some of the stuff they were doing. On the for real: A lot of it was raunchy and wrong. Clearly, Comedy Central has no censors. And clearly whoever that Reid Harrison writer guy is... he's crazy. But in a cool, very adult way.