Joe Millionaire Cue some '70s pimp music cause butler Paul Hogan's a hustler, baby! And

David Smith is his new beyaatch. Poor David. He's so cute, so young, so "na&#239ve." It's almost not fair to send this bonafide, broke, cowboy into the house full of European gold diggers. Seriously. Did you see how the women acted when the host (why does this show need a host anyway?) said David was a "cowboy?" (She might as well have said "bum.") And how they changed their tune when she added that he just inherited $80 million? Some of them literally started singing the theme song to Dallas! Again I say: "Poor David." He's a good-looking man who says "Yes, sir," "No ma'am," and "Mom don't like you to wear spurs at the dinner table" — with no sense of irony. They are going to eat his bareback bull-riding butt alive. Oh, and what a butt it is... God bless America for growing bodies like his.Skin And God bless Jim — Hoosier-in-house! — Leonard for bringing a drama like this. In the first episode: The district attorney's son, Adam, and the pornographer's daughter, Jewel, meet at a party, fall in love at a diner, make out on the beach and consummate their forbidden relationship in Jewel's dad's McMansion — all while their parents fight it out on many, many levels. It's brilliant. And wrong for making me... a.) want to spoon the underage DJ Cotrona (who plays Adam). b.) like the filthy rich porn dad more than the working-class district attorney. c.) put my shallow lust aside to contemplate "What truly makes a person good?" d.) want to stop calling Ron Silver (aka the porn dad) a poor man's Andy Garcia.The DirecTV Commercial Speaking of Andy "Rochell-once-touched-his-hair" Garcia... he's doing a dramatic reading of a customer's "letter" in this spot. What?!Girlfriends OK: When Maya broke down in the car after learning none of her college credits would transfer and that she'd have to start all over as a freshman, I felt it. And then when William told crazy, lazy Lynn, "Sometimes people get knocked on their ass and they still find a way to get back up and keep going." Truer words are rarely spoken in prime time. Made me put down the Dutch Cocoa cookie I was eating and pick up my exercise bar. Half and Half Was that Isaac Washington (aka Ted Lange) hitting on Mona's mom?Las Vegas Nobody messes with James Caan's — er, Big Ed's — baby. What are you crazy? Mad daddy went from zero to you-find-that-sonofabitch-and-you-bring-him-to-me in about three seconds. "You didn't actually think I was going to kill him, did you?" he asked after taking the perp out to "a little spot in the desert." Well... No. But is it wrong that I wanted Big Ed to go to his bad place — that I thought it would really darken the drama if, say, what happened in the desert, stayed in the desert but really tainted Ed and Danny's relationship?CSI: Miami Three Things: 1.) Alexx, girl, please stop talking to the corpses. I know you care. But one day one of them is going to talk back, and that'll be all she wrote. 2.) Tonight was the night for blond daddy's girls. First Big Ed's Delinda got drugged on Vegas. Now Calleigh's helping her recovering alcoholic father. They could have kept it simple. Have the daughter save the dad. Instead "Lambchop" fed his zest and inadvertently helped him find a seat in a 14th street bar. That was a good storyline. 3.) It's official. Watching CSI is a Thomas family affair. My mother watches. My grandmother has watched. And tonight, I learned that my little sister watches, too. And she rarely watches anything that's not on Fox because she doesn't have cable and that's the channel that comes in clearest on her TV.Reno 911! I'm laughing so hard I can barely type. The deputies just caught this mullet-man doing the same thing to a pumpkin that that kid did to a pie in American Pie. I don't know if I can handle what comes next. Seriously, people: If you've never seen Comedy Central's fake reality cop show, you gotta catch the reruns.