I'm back! Yeah, I know, you haven't seen me chatting at the Watercooler in a little while. I missed y'all, but I was busy covering Hollywood parties during the Television Critics Assoc. press tour for my "Party Boy" column. No worries, I'm all yours again.

By the way, just between us, I read the hate mail you sent whenever my Tuesday-night substitutes skipped Nip/Tuck. And I grinned at every one. Not that my colleagues didn't do a faboo job pinch-hitting — some of 'em are just squeamish about the plastic-surgery scenes. They gross me out, too, but this is still my fave summer show. Famke Janssen rules as Ava, the sinister life coach. In just one episode, she won Julia's confidence, seduced her 17-year-old son and used Matt's paternity secret to blackmail Christian for free botox shots! Then, there was that final "morning after" scene, when Ava's nude son (who looks about Matt's age) surprised Matt at the breakfast table. That notched up the O.T.T. (Over the Top) factor even higher. Famke's sexy teen-dream character is like Kelly LeBrock from Weird Science gone terribly wrong!

How interesting that Liz wants to be a late-in-life mommy — and agreed to accept a sperm donation from Christian. Too much. I'd say Jill Clayburgh's guest role as Bobbi Broderick was the most realistic thing about the show. Here's an aging empty-nester who hates something minor about her body (a slightly chubby tummy) and convinces herself that fixing it will somehow make her loneliness and self-esteem issues go away. Then, she gets mad at the doctor when she doesn't get "instant" satisfaction like on The Swan. I'll bet that's happening to lots of plastic-surgery patients these days. Series creator Ryan Murphy really wasn't kidding when he called Nip/Tuck a cautionary tale.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Why must Ty Pennington YELL so much?! I liked the house-sprucing they did for Sweet Alice — that elderly gospel songbird really was a sweetheart. But Ty's loud, fakey enthusiasm makes Ryan Seacrest's showboating look almost genuine. And Ty is way too old to pull off the teenage-boy hairdo and clothes. Don't front, you know I speak the truth.

Big Brother 5
Drew — the current Head of Household — is hot. However, his cheesy Supercuts haircut is not a plus. And about his dopey-sounding boys' club alliance, The Four Horsemen: Gimme a break! Also, like most of his BB5 housemates, Drew's poor mastery of basic grammar is a depressing statement about the U.S. educational system. If only he just didn't talk. Same goes for Jase, who's an ignorant, obnoxious doofus. It's so frustrating to listen to him spew malaprops — he makes Drew look positively erudite! All that said, Holly gets my award for...

Most Ig'nunt Reality Contestant of the Night
"I am not, like, a mastermind whatsoever!" — Holly, tearfully insisting that she isn't plotting to outwit the men, nor is she even clever enough to try. Sadly, the poor twit doesn't realize how right she is.

"That's hot": Fans of The Simple Life know this is what Paris and Nicole say whenever they're feeling turned on by something vaguely inappropriate. My pals had that moment when the BB5 housemates were eavesdropping on Scott and Drew in the bathroom via spy camera. Didja notice that Scott had his hand down the front of his boxer shorts (and was absent-mindedly handling his goods) throughout his whole conversation with Drew? First, we couldn't believe he was just standing there doing that. Then, we looked at each other and admitted it: "That's hot."

P.S. What's up with Goth girl Nakomis? I realize Jennifer isn't the most original moniker her mother could've chosen, but does that mean she needs to change her name to something weird and trade one clichéd, conformist identity (Boring Whitebread Girl) for another (Tattoo-Covered, Shaved-Head Girl)? I'm sad for her. She'll clearly need more than The Golden Power of Veto to exorcise her personal demons.

The Amazing Race
I love tonight's challenge in St. Petersburg, Russia: Block Five Hockey Shots or Drink One Vodka Shot. C'mon, it's reality TV, where practically everyone's a mess! You know they're gonna choose the booze! Wait, except for Brandon, who pretentiously refuses. Folks like him need to learn there's a difference between Christian piety (acting holier-than-thou religious, so you can feel superior to others) and genuine faith (following the teachings of Jesus without showing off about it). Meanwhile, what was wrong with Christie and Nicole? They had such a problem with eating the bowl of caviar! Sheesh, it's only fish eggs. Granted, caviar is a delicacy normally eaten in small portions. But still, this wasn't like a Fear Factor food challenge, where you'd have to eat something truly vile, like bugs or eyeballs. My man Chip came in and scarfed it down quickly, taking wife Kim to first place. They're a cool couple, unlike Brandon and Nicole, who are both way too wussy for reality TV. I was truly hoping they'd end up in last place, instead of Bob and Joyce. Damn!