House
One might call House's patient this week the Human Taser. Carnell, a recent Princeton University grad of modest beginnings, is suffering from self-generated electric shocks. They're so bad that his sphincter is paralyzed and he poops himself. Holy crap, they showed that on TV? Shocking! Even more surprising is the fact that the cause of Carnell's malady is the radioactive key chain his father, Ken, gave him. A token to remind Carnell of his humble roots. The thing is, radioactive key chains are absolute no-nos as gifts. I'm going to stand firm on this one, especially with the holidays coming up. No matter how cute that nugget of metal from the salvage yard may look, leave it be. Sure you might be thinking, what do I get the Princeton grad who has everything? Remember this: A hunk of radioactive waste is not a cool gift. Now get thee to a Target and stop lying to your son about his mother's death.

So halfway through the show I got excited not just because we were going to meet Ma and Pa House, whom he was desperately trying to avoid, but also because I thought this would be the week without a tumor. I was wrong. They stuck one in the spinal cord real cute-like, but who cares? House has parents! Finally someone to tell him to go to his room. Alas, this fantasy went unfulfilled but House did get a dose of reality from dear old Dad and that was worth the price of admission.