So here's the folly of scheduling two, count 'em, two Apprentices on your fall lineup, NBC. You're absolutely forcing us to realize how much better at this the Martha is than the Donald. Here's the breakdown after just one week. Martha's comfortable in front of the cameras; Trump still doesn't understand the concept of the microphone. (Dude, stop yelling. We can hear you.) Martha engages her teams in a challenging task well-suited to her multimedia empire; Trump conjures up an excuse to get the ladies into spandex pants so they can sell kickboxing classes on the street. Martha composes a thoughtful letter to her dismissee; Trump gives a wink-wink, nudge-nudge to George and Carolyn and then promptly hops in his chopper for a nighttime round of 18 holes on his solid-gold golf course. Or at least, that's what I'm convinced happens just as soon as the cameras stop rolling. Don't you see what's going on here, Donald? Fight for me. Martha's trying to steal my heart.

We're back to men versus women this season the ladies have dubbed themselves "Capital Edge," while the fellas are "Team Excel" (although I'm pretty sure they're not formally affiliated with Microsoft yet). The same-sex setup backfired big time for manic, mouthy scapegoat Melissa. You know what's not a good idea? Telling Carolyn (a woman, last time I checked) that you can't work with women because they're always intimidated by your beauty. Nice try, Pink Slip Omarosa called; she said you just don't have the kind of crazy it takes to make it in this Boardroom. Meanwhile, project manager Kristi dodged a bullet with a skillful combination of moxie and not-sucking-as-much-as-the-other-guy. "You should not be proud of yourself, because you did not do well," the Donald told her, which is apparently CEO-speak for "wipe that smirk off your face, Businesswoman Barbie, and bring it next week." She'd better, too, because next week? Lamborghinis. That's all I'm sayin'.